MORRISON HALL—As admitted students excitedly rove around campus, eager to learn more about their future home of four years, their families are left with nothing to do except pester the innocent passersby with unanswerable questions. These family members are dedicated to their pursuit, stopping current students anywhere they possibly can, at any and all hours…
BLOOMINGTON, IN– After reading a Cornell Daily Sun article that he did not agree with, 45-year-old alum David Waller ‘96 dauntlessly decided to express his discontent in the publication’s comment section. Turning on the caps button on his keyboard, Waller lamented his alma mater’s fall from grace when it comes to political discourse around campus….
CORNELL CAMPUS – Following the results of the 2016 presidential election, much to the chagrin and disappointment of a large portion of the overly liberal Cornell campus, reports indicate that many students are far too sad to masturbate and will likely stay that way until tomorrow or Friday at the latest. “The outcome of this…
COLLEGETOWN–While reuniting with friends is exciting for most returning students, the new school year has presented Marta Bailey ‘24 with a unique predicament: how to inform her friends that her so-called hot girl summer began and ended in the Cleveland Olive Garden. “It just seemed like a lot of work,” said Bailey, who had promised…
COLLEGETOWN—Last week, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Four days ago, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Two days ago, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Yesterday, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. The most recent addition, Not Your Average Boba Cafe, is located next to a boba cafe, and underneath…
HO PLAZA—During an impromptu press conference on the steps of Willard Straight Hall, the Student Activities Funding Commission (SAFC) casually reminded all student organizations that it would sure be a shame if something were to happen to their “precious funding” during the upcoming 2020-2022 Byline funding cycle. “I mean, hey, times are tight around here……
In a move as predictable as the changing of the seasons or frats violating COVID protocols, Cornell’s switch to in-person instruction has been celebrated by students who will once again be complaining about the class format in 48 hours, tops. “I can’t wait to be back on campus and moving around instead of sitting in…
ITHACA- A recent analysis of the Gettysburg Address – currently being held in Cornell’s Rare Manuscripts Collection – has revealed new and insightful evidence regarding the document’s origins. In reviewing the text, PhD candidates Derek Riley and Emily Yang found several revisions and notes written in the document’s margins. Speaking with Nooz, Yang explained “the…
COLLEGETOWN—Over the course of four years at a university, many students must eventually confront the terrifying reality that they’ll make a “friend” with their same name that sticks around. Such panic set in for Kate McCarthy ‘25 after being introduced to a friend of a friend at Collegetown Bagels. “I played it cool at first,”…
ITHACA, NY- Earlier this week, Harvard Student Eldo Kim was apprehended for his attempt to defer a final exam by calling in a bomb threat to several campus buildings. Perhaps a silver lining to this reckless and selfish act lies in the comfort felt by thousands of Cornell Students, who could now confirm their intellectual…
