COLLEGETOWN – With the new school year beginning, seniors across the Cornell campus have been described as being “fully prepared” and “excited” for the final few fun months of their life. “Wow, the past three years have gone by in a flash. But now I’m ready to have a great senior year, maybe take a…
MCGRAW HALL—Attempting to spread the holiday spirit, Professor Robert Jones wrote a greeting on the board before lecture this Wednesday that completely butchered the spelling of Chanukah. “I think Professor Jones remembered only the first and last letters and just filled in the rest by using, like, a random-letter generator or something,” said Jonah Goldfarb…
BROOKLYN, NY – In a thrilling turn of events, Jake Glassner ‘14 drove home from Cornell University to metropolitan New York City area in a record-breaking time of 3:06, taking a gold medal home to his parents and his country. “I’ve trained my whole life for this,” said Glassner. “Ever since my family drove up…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—In a beginning-of-the-semester email sent out to students this week, Arts & Sciences Dean Ray Jayawardhana strongly cautioned against affiliating with the college’s new reverse psychology major. “This major is only for mature, grown-up students that want to work hard, but you all little 13th and 14th graders couldn’t handle all those big-boy…
PLUM TREE —Though it’s quiet in the empty restaurant this morning, Jamie Takahashi, Plum Tree owner, knows it’s the calm before the storm. “We are a restaurant haunted by its past and preparing for its future. Formal season is about to begin and unless we’re ready, we’ll be obliterated.” “Every year, Collegetown restaurants face an…
JESSUP FIELD—On Tuesday night, the hotly anticipated Cornell 2022 Intramural Outdoor Soccer League championship game—which was also the first game of the season—came to an underwhelming close. Team SOCCr, a ragtag group of CHEM2070 all-star students, put up a valiant effort but ultimately lost their chance at the glory that comes with intramural excellence. “We…
COLLEGETOWN—In the era of cinematic universes and album series, it can be difficult to find an attraction that is a standalone, original body of work. Each week it would seem a new follow-up to something emerges onto the scene and staying in the loop has only become more challenging. Franchises have dominated our culture, from…
Hey Cornell Daily Sun, You’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a perfectly natural problem that happens to every publication with a functional web presence. You just couldn’t get it up. Look, we get it, you had a long day, you’re under a lot of stress from all that reporting you’ve been doing, and…
LIBE SLOPE—As the leaves turn golden brown and the sun starts setting lower and lower, many Cornellians herald the change to fall with sweaters and long-sleeve shirts. Yet, for local dumbass Frank Dylan ‘27, it seems that winter is already here. Reports indicate that the clueless idiot was spotted climbing the slope in a thick…
NORTH CAMPUS–In the wake of budget cuts and reprioritization, the one psychiatrist in charge of caring for Cornell’s entire student population has found themselves overwhelmed and unaware of whom they can talk to in a crisis. “Look, there are 25,000 students at this university, and they need adequate mental healthcare,” stated Dr. James Skinner, hand…
