For years, Cornell University has instituted reckless, unempathetic, totalitarian rule over its students. From old-school behavioral codes to more modern restrictions on dining plans and housing, every aspect of our lives are controlled by Martha’s cackling cabal of campus administrators. Yet one mandate has gone unprotested, undiscussed, and the sheeple refuse to address it in…
CLARA DICKSON HALL—After having met so many people since arriving at college, Michelle Taylor ‘22 is reportedly dying to return to her hometown this Fall Break and tell her parents all about the new college friends who won’t be a part of her life in two months’ time. “I’m so excited to tell them about…
DAY HALL—After pulling an all-nighter and taking two prelims this week, the exhausted University has decided to just cancel class because it didn’t do the reading. “Usually I just squeeze out some state-of-the-art bullshit for participation credit, but fuck it—I’m so done with this semester,” said the University while getting ready to go out for…
BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil. “I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last…
ITHACA, NY and EDUCATION CITY, QATAR—Amid controversies surrounding the 2022 World Cup, Cornell University President Martha Pollack defended the university’s Weill Cornell Medicine-Qatar satellite campus. Hailing the Gulf state as “the world’s most progressive petro-monarchy,” Pollack appealed to Cornell’s values. “In the words of our founder, we will always strive to do the greatest good….
RAND HALL – The University Construction Crew is having trouble beginning construction on the broken back wall, as they usually do not deal with such small scale projects and are hesitant to start a project that does not involve two years of development and planning. “We’re pretty confused by this one, to be honest. We’ve…
My dearest Cornell community—you see us wandering about campus in our finest nightgowns, draped dramatically over the lavatories, or reclining in our sumptuous beds that do nothing to alleviate our physical agonies, but do you truly care about us? Lately I have been witness to a dangerous trend, one that puts my entire community at…
COLLEGETOWN—Generously showing solidarity with small businesses, student Max Eagen ‘21 proudly donated to the latest GoFundMe to save Collegetown’s original restaurants. He also has yet to repay his roommate for brunch. “At first I just thought he was short on cash, which is totally fine,” said roommate Daniel Nakamura ‘21. “But then I got a…
TRENTON, NJ — At his cousins’ house for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday night, President Skorton’s parents allegedly pressured him to “get a real job” and “stop living in fantasy land.” The 65 year-old reportedly got into a heated argument with his mother, Jane, and his father, Richard, about his future before dismissing them altogether and asking…
This article is sponsored by Yamatai: tryouts are Monday 9/16 and Tuesday 9/17 at 9:30 PM in Lincoln Hall B20. Go to https://www.facebook.com/events/353736792179613/ for more information BARTON HALL—As Cornell Backgammon Club Vice President Jonas Zhao ‘21 gave a sincere pitch to a freshman last Sunday at Clubfest, he realized that he was simply no match…
