Professor, I have a question. I need it answered right away, or else I won’t be able to focus. Is this particular topic going to be on the exam? Look, I know you’re teaching it to us right now. But see, here’s the problem: it’s really hard. This stuff you’re teaching us is not easy…
EDDY STREET— With Miyake, a beloved Japanese restaurant, recently closing its doors, members of the Collegetown community are reportedly saddened by the loss, but enthusiastic for new diversity in the C-town food landscape —in the form of Masita, a new Asian restaurant. “I was actually, like, super scared,” commented Abigail Jimenez ‘21. “With Miyake closing,…
ITHACA, NY – Various sources from the Engineering Quad have noted that Jared Wasserman, a sophomore computer science major with a 1.7 GPA, prefers group projects over any other type of class evaluation, yet can’t put his finger on precisely why. “You know, I just am not sure what it is. It might be the flexibility…
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve always liked getting COVID tested. I love the tickle I feel in the back of my sinus when I shove that obnoxiously long cotton swab up my nose, I love feeling the slippery snot exit my nostril when I pull out the cotton swab, and…
NORTH CAMPUS — Legacy admit Ella Anderson ‘20 has accused her roommate Stephanie Park ‘20 of being a “brat” for making up her mold allergies to live in Mews Hall, the newest dorm on North Campus, instead of leveraging powerful alumni connections. “Who would go so far as to petition the student housing office to…
LOW RISES – In what has been widely regarded as a violation of students’ rights, the Cornell administration has decided to demolish the Low Rise dorms in anticipation of Cornell Days this weekend to improve first-impressions prospective students have of North Campus. “We just want to make sure visitors get the best possible experience and…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—During a government discussion section last week, one student, Courtney Howe ‘29, took a large step towards actualizing her humanity by saying her first words. The comment shook the classroom, which had become accustomed to Howe silently sitting in the furthest left corner of the room. “I agree,” she said, rocking in her…
Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun DUFFIELD HALL— Clearly knowing jack shit about its audience, the Solar Cross Society just advertised anti-semitism to a campus full of Jews. Way to start recruitment on the worst fucking foot! In a student body that’s 59.3% non-white and 21% Jewish, who do these idiotic dumbass half-wits think they…
MCGRAW TOWER—In response to a complete absence of student concern, Cornell administration announced this morning that there was absolutely no chance of McGraw Tower toppling down atop Ho Plaza before tumbling down the slope. The statement assured that such an event, which would transform the university’s iconic clocktower into a musical human steamroller, certainly would…
DICKSON HALL—A valiant shampoo bottle let out its final squirt today after a long, slippery battle against grime and grease. As the unsuspecting user applied the usual squeeze, the room filled with a weak, sputtering sound. What trickled out was not the rich, satisfying lather once cherished, but a thin, defeated dribble—a pathetic, watery remnant…
