ITHACA – Drew Teegen, a history major graduating this May, recently announced that he has found employment as a factory worker in Victorian era England. The senior plans on beginning his employment in July of 1844. “Through my history classes at Cornell, I’ve learned a number of highly marketable skills,” explained Teegan. “Including an in-depth…
OLIN LIBRARY—Cornell students have the luxury of enjoying a wide range of study spaces, from campus cafes to comfy lounges. Despite this breadth of options, on Tuesday, one Harry Potter ass motherfucker opted to study under the Olin Library stairs. While his peers scrolled on their iPads in plush couches just feet away from this…
NORTH CAMPUS—In a bewildering display of competency on its construction sites, Cornell’s very own incomprehensible labyrinth has begun to take shape in the center of North Campus. While the creation of the impossible structure has been detrimental to student’s sleep schedules, with some freshmen complaining of ominous chanting and bulldozer noises at three in the…
ITHACA, NY – Student Faculty Chair Thomas Andersen announced yesterday that Cornell plans to expand its Net-Print service to include 3D printing by the end of next year. The plans have already been met with both praise and skepticism. As of press time, the futuristic printing service would cost $90 per cubic foot. “Cornell knows…
Graduating at the top of her class from Pebble Hill high school in 2012, Janice Ward, a sophomore in Cornell’s mechanical engineering program, had her choice of collegiate destinations. “ I was looking at Brown, and the University of Michigan, but ultimately I just felt the most comfortable here.” said Ward in her repulsive College…
WASHINGTON, DC—President Donald Trump’s Department of Education and Elon Musk’s so-called “Department of Government Efficiency” (DOGE) have reportedly made inquiries into Cornell University’s activities and funding as part of a broader attack on academia. During an Oval Office press conference on higher education, Trump thumbed through a briefing on Cornell and remarked, “Wow, everything’s computer.”…
KENNEDY HALL- The professors of Cornell gathered today to discuss the issue of copied homework on campus, and concluded that the best way to ensure the originality of one’s answers was to underline the words “No Copying” that can be found at the top of any assigned homework sheet. “We make it very clear that…
Update: In response to receiving a cease and desist letter from Coach USA’s assistant general counsel demanding CU Nooz remove the “libelous article concerning Shortline’s bus services as well as libelous comments attributed to representatives of Shortline”, this article has been updated to reflect that the student did not, in fact, spend the entirety of…
BINGHAMTON, NY— This Thanksgiving break, Gwen Swanson ’20 basked in praise from relatives gathered together for Thanksgiving, trying to ignore the fact that she is failing CS 1110: Introduction to Computing Using Python. “Our little Gwenny is always so brilliant and hardworking and a true renaissance woman,” said Swanson’s great-aunt Bertha. “Where else are you…
