TOMPKINS COUNTY — Hundreds of dustbowl farmers in the greater Tompkins County area are rejoicing at the coming of the rain, after months of drought brought no crops to their land. “Madge! Madge, get out here, you’re not gonna believe this!” cried Ernest Young, finally seeing the thick storm clouds form overhead and drop a…
HUMAN ECOLOGY BUILDING—Local Fiber Science & Apparel Design major Daphne Gladden ’23 is reportedly excited to wow her family by graduating with a degree from Cornell University’s proposed College of Public Policy. “When I told my family that I wanted to study fashion design at a “Human Ecology” school, my parents weren’t thrilled,” explained Gladden….
LONG ISLAND—To fill the void caused by missing out on the valuable hands-on hospitality training he so desperately needs, Bronson Winchester ’23 has been leaving a mint or chocolate on his parents pillow every night before they go to bed. “While my parents are relaxing and watching TV unawares, I just meander over to their…
TRILLIUM— After observing lines of dejected students struggling to adapt to the new self-serve salad station at Trillium, former salad tosser Rita Jenkins finally felt appreciated for her lunch-assembling expertise. “Students shouldn’t feel so frustrated when trying to serve themselves for the first time,” commented the seasoned craftsman. “Everyone knows that using plastic tongs to…
HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Cornell administration has received several complaints from students enrolled in PE1560 Introductory Self Defense after instructor John Ladin broke into their respective homes on Sunday night in an unorthodox final assessment that students describe as a “harrowing ambush executed by a gleeful psychopath.” “How am I possibly supposed to evaluate my students’ self-defense…
GATES HALL — After an increasing number of students confused by the process of unsubscribing to an e-list, the Department of Computer Science faculty have announced plans to offer CS 0900: Leaving Listservs in the Digital Age. “More and more students of the Cornell community are beginning to realize that part of having a fulfilling…
What is supposed to be a routine bathroom visit quickly turns into a nightmare whenever the automatic toilet begins flushing of its own volition. At its core, this is a question of man vs. machine. We are in a time of widespread uncertainty and hesitation regarding the role of artificial intelligence in our society. Yet,…
GREATER TRI-STATE AREA — After a particularly tense Thanksgiving dinner peppered with snide remarks, Jane Davidson ’19 was surprised by the kindness prompted by the last slice of pumpkin pie. “I got riled up when Janey rolled up our damn driveway with her blue Prius and Hillary 2016 sticker,” said Davidson’s ultra conservative grandfather as…
COOK HOUSE—Last night, after an hour or so of tossing and turning, Noelle Keyes ‘28 got out of bed to turn the thermostat down, only to find that her roommate, ልጎጮቹቹ ርዐረዪጎጋፏቹ ’28 of El Infierno, California, had set the temperature to a toasty 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit. Although she turned it down to a more…
The bench outside of RPCC brings back many memories for the class of 1974, after which it has been dedicated. Here, alumni of ’74 share their stories: Daniel Dykeman- “I remember from my days at Cornell that there were just so many benches on Cornell’s campus, but by far that one was my favorite. It…
