MILSTEIN HALL—Milstein Hall has become a popular spot for Cornell’s skateboarding community of roughly 100 people who own a skateboard and about 6 or 7 skateboarders. Tuesday evening, one member of the former group took the sidewalk to get in some practice. “I hope no one saw that,” said Max Rodriguez ‘27, whose skateboard broke…
PORTLAND, OR—When Professor Hazan of HD 3620: Human Bonding asked the 700-person lecture if there were any questions before wrapping up, BDSM fanatic Ryan Homans ‘23 asked why they have yet to cover the “kinky stuff” in the course curriculum. “We’re already half-way through the semester and we haven’t even discussed the most basic topics…
After a recent vote by the Board of Trustees, the Cornell Administration will undergo a shutdown effective October 7th at 2 p.m. The administration urges students to continue their academic experience normally. It is suspected that the shutdown resulted from the board’s year long attempt to deadlock the Skorton administration out of finalizing changes to…
LIBE SLOPE — Calling upon three years of hardened experience in the field, Senior Liam McKlevern spent the afternoon burying a bottle of sunscreen in the slope in preparation for Slope Day. “Most novices think they can just hit the slope with a single layer of SPF 35,” reported McKlevern, leaning up against his shovel….
In a statement released last Monday, The Cornell Lab of Ornithology announced that its researchers have learned everything there is to know about birds and would be shutting down all operations indefinitely. “Birds are very simple creatures. We know that their hollow bones and feathers help them fly, and that they use their beaks to…
ITHACA, NY-Recent evidence supports the long reigning claim that The Cornell Daily Sun is, in fact, run by an evil race of mutant lizard people. The office of the Sun has been reported closed from December 6th, until January 19th, the coldest period of the year, during which time a cold-blooded species (such as lizard…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Future captains of industry in discussion section 312 of ECON 1110 made massive academic headway last week after finally learning the value of a quarter. The super sleuths were finally able to ‘make cents’ out of the cryptic coins whose meaning had long evaded them. “It’s really important to me that I take…
BARTON HALL—In a surprising display of unanimity, the Cornell University Police Department released survey results this past week showing a 107% approval rating of their performance in campus security. “We had a great pool of 7 respondents, 8 of whom said they had absolutely no problem with police on campus,” Police Chief David Honan commented….
As an undergraduate Cornell student, I was overjoyed to receive an email from “OpaVote Voting Link.” I thought, “Finally! I get to use my voice for something that matters: a referendum to decide the best of K-Pop icon PSY’s songs!” It came as an absolute surprise; I’m on all the PSY forums, how had I…
Why, you should be absolutely chuffed to bits! Your sneaky link has given you a new steamy confirmation of their desires for you in the form of a SMS message: “G-893496 is your Google verification code.” You know it is them. It just has to be them. They have tried to obscure their identity from…
