Yesterday, Lindsay and I went grocery shopping at Wegmans together, so clearly we are in an incredibly serious relationship. When I first met her, I had no idea we would end up being soulmates. We were doing childish things like kissing in private, talking about things that weren’t us, and living independent lives. But now,…
LINDEN STREET—While Saint Patrick’s Day festivities are beloved by students with excessively bright green shirts and the Irish alike, for kleptomaniac and short king Barry Finnegan ‘25, it presents an opportunity like no other: a large mob of drunk darty-ers. Dressed as a leprechaun, the young Irish student spends the holiday shambling in a sewer…
DAY HALL— After under two years as president of Cornell University, Martha Pollack has solved every major problem facing the 24,000-student, 3,000-faculty member university and is now taking on IBM as a member of its Board of Directors. “When I came here in 2017, this place was a real dump,” said President Pollack. “But then…
PHILLIPS HALL—Tensions skyrocketed this Tuesday after a third member of the Reserve Officers’ Training Corps forcibly added themselves to the CS1110 Discussion 213 roster. Though a peaceful resolution seemed to be near, the arrival of Cadet Benjamin Peterson ‘25 signals a drastic shift in the ongoing conflict. “There is absolutely no cause for concern at…
Like many other seniors this year, I too have taken part in the job safari, but unlike others I have caught the elusive career lion. Yes, I have become the champion of the hunt, and I will thusly begin my life in New York City with the rest of the Cornellian pack at one of…
HOLLISTER HALL—Last Wednesday, CUPD discovered the letters stolen from the Cornell University sign on the third floor of Hollister Hall after being tipped off by an anonymous Engineering student who was distressed by the strange geometric symbols. “We figured literacy would be a good industry skill to work on before the upperclassmen join the workforce,”…
UNITED FLIGHT 4390—Ornithology enthusiast Sam Harriman ‘27 got a real treat Thursday as his flight to Newark encountered a large flock of geese. The gaggle crossed the airplane’s path shortly after takeoff from Ithaca Tompkins International Airport. Harriman, an active member of the Cornell Birding Club, eagerly grabbed his binoculars and peered out the window….
KENNEDY HALL—BIOEE 1780 lecture was cut short yesterday afternoon after a series of peculiar events transpired in the lecture hall. Students streamed out in near silence, stunned at what they had witnessed: a large anthropomorphized sea bass, throbbing and thrashing on stage after being thrown by Felix Ichthyus ‘26 from the third row. When asked…
ITHACA- In a surprise announcement Thursday, Slope Day Programming Board named the McGraw Tower Chimes as the headliner for this year’s concert. “I love the Chimes. I listen to them all the time. I hope they play Here Comes the Sun,” said sophomore Amanda Augustin, who conceded that she would be happy if she could…
DAY HALL—Writing that the University “now understands exactly which costs are non-essential,” Martha Pollack sent an email to faculty on Monday stating that after being unprepared for the 2007 financial crash, this time Cornell knows to go straight to cutting salaries for professors, lecturers, and researchers. “I won’t lie, my predecessors were caught off guard…
