Tuesday, October 27, 2026
Unemployed “Arts Quad Kid” Thinking About Reading on Law School Quad
Cornell Dairy Cows to Get Representative on Student Assembly
Anthropology Student’s Question Clearly Influenced By Episode of Ancient Aliens
“And If By Accident, We Should Ever Pass On The Street, Please Don’t Recognize Me,” Orientation Leader Gives Final Piece Of Advice

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OP-ED: Friend Who Studies Info Sci Thinks I Know What That Means
Cornell Union Busting Allegations Assuaged by 4–1 Hockey Loss
Cornell Rallies Around Bhangra Group After Learning they Exist
Cornell Dining Offers Refund in Form of Single Day 100,000 Calorie Buffet

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Headlines

New Study Determines that Becky is, in Fact, a Bitch

OP-ED: Lindsay and I Went to Wegmans Together, So We’re Definitely Getting Married

OP-ED: My Hand Brushed Against Another Student’s In Okenshields, Should I Get Married Or Contact Traced?

Inconsiderate Asshole With No Concept of Personal Space Sits Within 5 Seats of You in Lecture Hall

OP-ED: Looks Like the Anti-Semitic Club Is Off to a Rocky Fucking Start

Free Ice Cream, All Day Recess and 10 Other Totally Legitimate Campaign Promises From Your Favorite SA Candidate

Polycule Sex Cult Still Calling Itself “Co-Op”

Dyson Student Superglues Self to Corporate Executive in Desperate Bid to Make Connections in the Business World

Narc Cannabis Professor Won’t Let His Students Get Even a Little High

Cornell Runs out of NetIDs

Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

Nooz Staff02 mins

ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…

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Rulloff’s to Reclose Thursday

Nooz Staff01 mins

COLLEGETOWN – Following the exciting news of the reopening of Rulloff’s, new owner Gregar Brous announced today that the Collegetown establishment would promptly close again on Thursday. “We already have a lot on our plate with Collegetown Bagels and Agava. You didn’t really think we were bringing back Rulloff’s forever, did you?” said Brous, while…

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Update: German Language Dept. Tries to Overtake Russian Language Dept. but is Stopped by the Ithaca Winter

Nooz Staff01 mins

Yesterday, CU Nooz reported that the German Languages department was seeking to take over the Polish department’s office space despite rampant protest from the English dept. Although the German Language department successfully occupied Polish Dept. space, they were soon rebuffed from entering Russian dept. space due to “lack of proper heating.” German Language dept. chair…

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Eureka! Cornell Republicans Successfully Construct 3rd Woman To Complete Group Photos

Nooz Staff02 mins

BAKER LABORATORY—“It’s ALIVE! It’s ALLLIVVVEEE!” echoed throughout the halls of Baker Lab Wednesday morning as Cornell Republicans celebrated their one and only victory this week. “As Republicans, inclusion is really important to us,” explained Cornell Republican President Benjamin Bigot ‘24. “I should clarify: the optics of inclusion are important to us. Actually spending time with…

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