CU Nooz – Page 65

Photo credit: Annie Wang/Sun File Photo via Cornell Daily Sun

SA Elections Rocked by Controversy in Transparent Attempt to Emulate Real-Life Democracy

Nooz Staff5 years ago03 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—While some attribute the mismanaged Student Assembly election and subsequent re-vote to sheer ineptitude, many critics have identified the undergraduate governing body’s utter ballot-bungling as an attempt to replicate the workings of real-life democracy. In a nine-paragraph essay published to the Cornell Subreddit, election-truther George Blast ‘21 levied pointed accusations against the Assembly….

Area Nudist Has Change of Heart After Cornell Fashion Show

Nooz Staff8 years ago03 mins

Photo from the Cornell Daily Sun BARTON HALL—After a turbulent runway performance from the Cornell Fashion Collective’s talented designers, local Ithaca nudist Trevor Climpman found himself having a change of heart about his decision to abandon all forms of clothing. “The outfits were just so beautiful that it made me want to not have my…

University Encourages Students to Express Creativity Through Snow Genitalia

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago03 mins

ITHACA, NY – With the impending snowstorm, the university has expressed excitement over all the potential student-built snow sculptures they hope to see tomorrow. Officials said, “Every year we always get the same few students trying to be funny and building a giant snow penis. We hope this year is different and students tap into…

After Polo Coach’s Ousting, Croquet Coach Shaking in his Boots

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

OXLEY EQUESTRIAN CENTER—After Cornell’s massively successful polo coach was mysteriously retired, Cornell athletics has been speculating about who might be next; the very decorated croquet coach Victor Swarthmore ‘79 in particular has been shaking in his patent leather boots. Indeed, the croquet team’s famously prestigious reputation, like polo’s, might not be enough to save him…

Okenshields Employees Unsure How to Handle Everybody Crying Into Their Salads

Nooz Staff9 years ago01 mins

OKENSHIELDS – Citing multiple instances of muffled sobbing, exasperated gasps, and flat out bawling, Okenshields employees are reportedly unsure how to deal with most patrons crying directly into their make-your-own salads. “Um, I mean I just kind of refill the spinach when it gets pretty low, but I feel like I should definitely be doing…

OP-ED: And I Would’ve Gotten Away With It Too If It Weren’t for Those Darn Research Ethics

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

By Former Professor Brian Wansink After years of being a legendary celebrity in the world of food science research, I was still at the top of my game here at Cornell, basking in the glory of my decades of hard work. Sure, I fudged a few numbers here and there, and may or may not…

“It’s Been the Best Four Years of My Life!” Admitted Student Tour Guides Notably Excluded From Freedom of Speech Protections

Nooz Staff2 years ago1 year ago03 mins

HO PLAZA—Hundreds of admitted students accepted to the class of 2028 flooded Ithaca last week for admitted students weekend, hoping to get a real sense of student life, academic workload, and average student hotness. But unfortunately for them, as the “Freedom of Expression” theme year incites discussion of robust free speech and academic liberty across…

E-Scooter Going Right, No, Left, No—

Nooz Staff1 month ago03 mins

CRADIT FARM DRIVE—Since the start of the semester, students across campus have been terrorized by remorseless, bloodthirsty, and cruel individuals: E-Scooter riders. No roadway or path is safe from them. Last Thursday, Gloria Alvarado ‘28 was the latest victim. After a long day of being manhandled by chemistry homework, Alvarado was walking back to her…

Americans Defeat Fascism by Putting On Greatest Talent Show This Nation Has Ever Seen

Nooz Staff2 months ago1 month ago03 mins

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Millions of Americans joined No Kings protests across the country on Saturday to demonstrate nonviolently against the Trump administration. While record-breaking turnouts from Ithaca to the nation’s capital were one encouraging sign of growing anti-fascist coalition, even more impressive was participants’ fervent desire to put on the greatest talent show this nation has ever…

Op-Ed: If Warren Hall Existed, I Would Know Where it Was

Nooz Staff3 years ago3 years ago04 mins

Where is Warren Hall? What is Warren Hall? Why would I, a second semester senior in the prestigious College of Industrial and Labor Relations at Cornell University, an Ivy League university of the highest caliber (higher, even, than the frauds at Columbia), know where such a trivial, such an irrelevant, such a ridiculous building be…

Student Accidentally Calls On-Campus Interviewer “Mom”

Student With Distant Memory of Overhearing Parents Say “We’re Proud Of Arson” Embarks On Epic Journey To Win Dad’s Love

Fatass Inducted Into Dining Hall of Fame

BREAKING: Study Week Cancelled Due to Snow

Angsty Student Body Clearly Has Study Period

Op-Ed: I Don’t Have Anxiety I Just Have the Bestest Heart that Beats the Fastest Forever

SA Elections Rocked by Controversy in Transparent Attempt to Emulate Real-Life Democracy

Area Nudist Has Change of Heart After Cornell Fashion Show

University Encourages Students to Express Creativity Through Snow Genitalia

After Polo Coach’s Ousting, Croquet Coach Shaking in his Boots

Okenshields Employees Unsure How to Handle Everybody Crying Into Their Salads

OP-ED: And I Would’ve Gotten Away With It Too If It Weren’t for Those Darn Research Ethics

“It’s Been the Best Four Years of My Life!” Admitted Student Tour Guides Notably Excluded From Freedom of Speech Protections

E-Scooter Going Right, No, Left, No—

Americans Defeat Fascism by Putting On Greatest Talent Show This Nation Has Ever Seen

Op-Ed: If Warren Hall Existed, I Would Know Where it Was