LIBE CAFÉ—As hordes of malicious fork thieves seek to empty the coffers of Libe Café, the awe-inspiring Lord Barista, guardian of the utensils, stands at the ready to defend what’s left of the library’s plasticware. “Sorry, we can only give you a fork if you buy a salad, or sushi, or something like that,” the…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Introduction to American Government professor Don Goodin has magnanimously introduced a policy of no required books, instead providing thousands of pages of online reading that must be printed. The generosity has not gone unnoticed by students. “Professor Goodin really gets that some students just can’t afford all the books,” said Nanette Warner ‘22….
ENGINEERING QUADRANGLE—To celebrate the construction of the third computer science building, Cornell administration officially changed its motto from the inclusive “Any Person, Any Study” to the more accurate “Any Person, Computer Science.” Administrators claim that this better captures the current student body’s preferences. “We’re not stopping here,” said a spokesperson for the administration, detailing plans…
Cornell Transportation Services has announced that ခြ will be the symbol for the newest parking restrictions on campus. “We felt that ခြ would be an excellent opportunity to provide more people the right to park on campus. If you see a parking zone with ခြ, it means you can park there between 2:00AM – 5:59AM…
SAGE CHAPEL—After schmoozing with Goldman Sachs recruiter Meredith Hook at a company information session last Thursday, Zackary Chase ‘20 found himself in a marriage engagement, rather than landing a prestigious job as he originally intended. “When I handed her my resume and she saw my 2.79 GPA, I thought I was done for,” said Chase,…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Dozens of students were left bewildered today when they received a Slack message from an unmarked sender. “Hey everyone! Super excited to meet everyone from clubfest at our first GBody on Tuesday, Dec 10th at 7pm!” Many were planning to leave the Slack; however, the message went on to tell the unsuspecting recipients…
COLLEGETOWN—A new gastro-judicial establishment is coming to Ithaca! Justice Felix Frankfurter, co-founder of the Big Red Food Court, said he and partner Warren E. Burger are opening the food court to address a recent rash of culinary litigation. “Brown v. Cutting Board, Lawrence v. Tex-Mex, Miranda v. Arizona Iced Tea, and Worcestershire v. Georgia are…
THURSTON AVENUE—In light of accusations that Cornell discriminates against students who disclose mental health struggles in their college applications, students and administrators were excited to finally have a parsimonious explanation for the school’s well-known gaiety. “Friends at other schools always ask me why students at Cornell seem so happy and satisfied with life, and I’ve…
Oh, what’s that? Did I go abroad? Oh yes, I studied abroad. Where was I? Well, my home base was Seville, but like, I traveled EVERY weekend. What was my favorite city? I mean, that’s such an unfair question. Deciding between strolling down the Champs-Élysées in Paris or taking in the Trevi Fountain in Rome…
FLATIRON DISTRICT, NYC — After weeks of isolation, Sam Traynor ’19, who was finally reunited with his Cornell friends for a night of debauchery, neglected to tell everyone his parents say ‘hi.’ “How’s that Jimmy, Johnny, boy doing? The engineer. Tell that sharp young gentleman I say hi,” Mr. Traynor said of the 20 year…
