The Cornell University Class of 2024 are the only undergraduate students on campus old enough to remember being kicked out of their dorms due to the pandemic, let back in again, kicked off again, and then let back in again, and finally kicked off one final time. Any proper senior send-off allows graduating students to…
Cornell’s Chemistry Department was up in arms this past week due to the unprecedented decision of one unusually generous professor to offer her students an extra credit opportunity. “We in the Chem Department are committed to the unquenchable desire to watch our students writhe and despair in the hellish academic cesspools that we call classes,”…
DAY HALL — A recent report by the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights, which named Cornell the university with the highest number of active Title IX investigations, has landed atop a growing heap of Title IX emails in the university’s spam folder. “Initially, I was pleasantly surprised by how bare the Cornell…
In light of several high profile hazing incidents, leaders of Pan-Hel, IFC and MLGC organizations have moved to educate new members through a unique and creative forum: a musical. The musical will include both original and classic songs in order educate new members on the dangers of hazing at Cornell. Greg Michaelson, the associate creative…
Last Monday, Jackson Carter ‘25 surprised his introductory Physics zoom lecture with an inspiring new T-shirt choice: one of the “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” shirts given out by the College of Engineering. “At first, I wondered why this idiot had his camera on in a 300 person lecture,” classmate Samantha O’Neill ‘25…
ITHACA, NY — A desperate panic broke out across campus today when a strange orange-yellow disc appeared in the sky. The appearance was marked by a change in the sky as well, as it turned an odd blue color, upsetting students who had grown accustomed to its normal, grey-black color. Students sought support from one…
If you don’t know the answer, just white out the question. You can’t answer a question that isn’t there. If you are worrying about passing your finals, don’t. In 80 years you’ll die poor and alone. No one will remember that you failed Comm Law or that you even existed! The most important thing to…
BAKER LAB — Students looking to get their PE requirement out of the way quickly have a new option: trekking to the third floor of Baker Lab. While most students opt to casually bowl twice a week to fulfill the University’s Physical Education requirement, those willing to challenge themselves can instead choose to conquer the…
Graduating at the top of her class from Pebble Hill high school in 2012, Janice Ward, a sophomore in Cornell’s mechanical engineering program, had her choice of collegiate destinations. “ I was looking at Brown, and the University of Michigan, but ultimately I just felt the most comfortable here.” said Ward in her repulsive College…
DAY HALL—Though union organizers had hoped to share their demands with President Pollack at a meeting earlier this week, they were instead gifted with the president’s own sage wisdom. Pulling from her personal experience in the workforce, Pollack advised the group to simply seek out the coffee serving equivalent of Ryan Lombardi and “have him…
