ENGINEERING QUAD—With a new class of bright-eyed first-years settling into Cornell, the University’s many student organizations are seizing new recruitment opportunities. Project team members, in particular, have pounced at the chance to contact human life, move their limbs, get fresh air, et. cetera. “Hey! Do you share your life, too?” asked Dalia Good ‘26, an…
AMAZON RAINFOREST, BRAZIL—Tragedy struck the IFC last week when five students failed to return from the organization’s annual mission to collect the increasingly scarce jungle juice. “While we mourn the loss of our fellow brothers, we know their tragedy was not in vain. Each cooler we fill with the sweet jungle nectar this semester will…
ITHACA, N.Y. – Thousands of Cornell students were disappointed to hear who the new headliner for Slope Day 2014 would be. Although popular in many areas of the country, students have deemed the headliner “sucky,” “fake,” and “a piece of shit.” When asked about the level of talent in recent Slope Day acts, Drew Livingston…
STOCKING HALL—Despite having several prominent research groups and dozens of noteworthy undergraduates, the Cornell Food Science department continues to emphasize the almost 60 year old invention of the chicken nugget. “We stake our pride on Professor Robert C. Baker’s work so many years ago to develop one of America’s most prized forms of poultry consumption,”…
ITHACA, NY- After a rigorous inspection, the City of Ithaca Health Department is mandating that Level B change it’s name to Level C, citing “serious health concerns.” “We don’t want to deceive the Ithaca public into a false sense of security,” said Bob Palmer, one of Ithaca’s foremost health inspectors. “People should know what they’re…
ITHACA, NY — Inspired by the plans for the “Gateway to the Arts Quad,” pictured, planned to be completed by 2015, President David Skorton has outlined a plan to cover the entirety of Cornell’s central campus in a glass dome to create “the atrium to end all atriums.” “Look,” Skorton said as he shuffled architectural…
COLLEGETOWN – Following graduation and the departure of the majority of students from the Cornell campus, residents at 531 East State Street have been seen idly walking around their incredibly disgusting house, curious as to which person would be the first to start cleaning. “Our lease ends this weekend, and the house is pretty gross,…
Thanksgiving is a day in which friends and family give their thanks for all that they are grateful for. This year, I plan on expressing a huge thank you to God for gifting me with an invaluable asset: a succulent, sizable, stank-ass pussy. When forging me from his flesh, God decided to direct any weight…
ITHACA, NY — Matthew Bernstein ‘15 has been suffering from an alcohol withdrawal headache all day, a headache which he has mistakenly attributed to too little sleep. “Man, my head’s pounding today. I definitely need to get to bed earlier today,” said Bernstein, unable to connect the dots between the fact he’s been drunk every…
ARLINGTON, VA—Due to continued downsizing of the federal government, the Department of War has begun taking over many duties of the Department of Education. In their latest collaborative effort, the recent Iran endeavour has served to increase Americans’ waterway knowledge, along with whatever the Department of War wanted to accomplish. Iran was chosen in accordance…
