Cornell

Neil Young Spotify Removal Devastates Population of Male Philosophy Students Who Can’t Get It Up Without a Whispery Old Man Voice on Their Sex Playlists

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

ITHACA CAMPUS—In an event tantamount to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, Spotify’s sudden removal of Neil Young’s discography has annihilated the sex playlists of men across the philosophy department. “Without Neil Young, I might as well give up sex,” complained Dorian Lancaster ‘23 between drags of his cigarette. “Sure, women are great, but…

Rush Chairs Note Increased Difficulty in Determining Wealth via Zoom

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

TRIPHAMMER ROAD—Online rush originally seemed a lot easier to coordinate for recruitment chairs, until they realized just how difficult it was to determine the familial wealth of each and every potential new member over video. “It used to be so easy to spot the Canada Geese amongst the other ducks, like a gold coin amongst…

Cornell Introduces New “Sluggish Tests” That Provide Results in 15 Days

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—Students across campus have been left in suspense after administration announced that Ithaca campus residents are now required to take “sluggish tests” that produce results in fifteen days. “Sluggish tests are the perfect diagnostic tool for this stage of the pandemic,” attested President Pollack via email. “In a mere fifteen days, they inform students…

Cornell Dining Ranked Tenth in the Nation with Rusty’s Cafe, Fifth in the Nation Without

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

ITHACA, NY—Once again, Cornell students can proudly claim they have access to one of the best dining programs across the nation. The university marked a special case for the Princeton Review’s Great Campus Food ranking list, qualifying as tenth in the nation with the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe and fifth in the nation without. A…

“Jingle Bells, This Professor Smells” Writes Student In Devastating Christmas-Themed Course Evaluation

Nooz Staff4 years ago4 years ago03 mins

IVES HALL—Professor Parker Wallace was taken aback early Monday morning when he received an email that each student in his Introduction To Organizational Behavior class had already completed their anonymous online course evaluation. Spending a few minutes perusing their comments over a cup of coffee, Wallace reached the very last without any notable criticisms. It…

Class Highbrow Taking Notes with Quill and Ink

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

ROCKEFELLER HALL––In an astonishing feat of academic prowess during his FWS class last Monday, Finley Bamford-Schermerhorn ‘25 inscribed his notes using a quill and ink set. As if his writing instrument didn’t automatically secure his status as the intellectual heavyweight of the group, Bamford-Schermerhorn proceeded to share a comment that included the word “elucidate” three…

Professor Six Chapters Behind in Lecture Going to Put All That Shit in Final Anyways

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

ROCKEFELLER HALL—After a semester in which the bulk of the material was pushed to the last few days of class, Professor James Kent ‘88 has decided the best solution is to just assume all his students know it anyways and put it all in the final exam. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t get to this…

OP-ED: My Favorite Part of Thanksgiving? When We Fill The Turkey’s Turkussy With Other Foods, Of Course!

Nooz Staff4 years ago06 mins

NEW JERSEY — Thanksgiving holiday traditions are a warm way to kick off the season for families across the nation, and I personally cannot wait for this week’s festivities. From watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade to watching some football between helpings, families everywhere have their own little traditions that bring them together and help…

Residually Warm Olin Seat Reminder of Comforting Embrace of Womb

Nooz Staff4 years ago04 mins

OLIN LIBRARY—At the end of his stressful prelim season, Mark Velazquez ‘24 was finally able to snag one of the first floor desks at Olin to get some dreaded work done, only to make a bittersweet observation of the womb-like warmth left by the seat’s prior occupant. “I remembered what it was like to be…

Transferable Skills Not Transferable, Not Skills

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

NEW YORK CITY—Despite a well-established pipeline from the Sage School of Philosophy to the absolute dregs of society, Winston Chan ‘21 has found his post-graduate transition to be difficult upon the discovery that his so-called “transferable skills” were neither transferable, nor skills. “As a philosophy major at Cornell, I was sure I developed the shaky…

“It’s 6 O’clock Somewhere”: Upperclassman Begs to Not Pay Bus Fare

CTB Declares War on Qahwah House, Fires 300 Espresso Shots

Wikipedia Page of Esteemed Professor Currently Flunking You Not Even, Like, That Long

“These Hands Don’t Haze!” Says Frat President Who Used Legs to Kick Shit Out of Pledges

Half-Assed Discussion Post Setting Dangerous Precedent For Rest of Semester

Local Jester Actually Prefers Fool’s Spring

Neil Young Spotify Removal Devastates Population of Male Philosophy Students Who Can’t Get It Up Without a Whispery Old Man Voice on Their Sex Playlists

Rush Chairs Note Increased Difficulty in Determining Wealth via Zoom

Cornell Introduces New “Sluggish Tests” That Provide Results in 15 Days

Cornell Dining Ranked Tenth in the Nation with Rusty’s Cafe, Fifth in the Nation Without

“Jingle Bells, This Professor Smells” Writes Student In Devastating Christmas-Themed Course Evaluation

Class Highbrow Taking Notes with Quill and Ink

Professor Six Chapters Behind in Lecture Going to Put All That Shit in Final Anyways

OP-ED: My Favorite Part of Thanksgiving? When We Fill The Turkey’s Turkussy With Other Foods, Of Course!

Residually Warm Olin Seat Reminder of Comforting Embrace of Womb

Transferable Skills Not Transferable, Not Skills