TEAGLE HALL—In the wake of yet another painful defeat for the football team, Cornell Athletic Director Andy Noel announced that in order to lessen the crippling weight of expectations, the university would be renaming its mascot from Touchdown to Field Goal, effective immediately. “Like all of our varsity teams, Big Red Football has a proud…
STEWART AVENUE—In a landmark moment for environmental lobbyists, the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation officially moved to protect the invariably flooded Beta Phi Tau house basement as a critical wetland habitat. “It was almost like a dream come true when our surveyors stumbled across this swamp, nearly untouched despite its close proximity to…
CORNELL HEALTH—In a surprising display of thoughtfulness from Cornell’s mental health services, CAPS has begun to suggest that overwhelmed students take a year off in between every lecture. “We see so many kids needlessly stressing out about their grades, and the pandemic, and literally everything else,” says counselor Matthew Greene. “It’s a good idea for…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A recent lack of extremely public meltdowns within Cornell’s student government has led many students to wonder what dumb shit they are getting into this semester. “I don’t know what to think,” admitted John Hawkinson ‘23. “I haven’t heard anything about them this year, and that kind of scares me. Like, did 30…
BAILEY HALL—After completing a grueling organic chemistry prelim, students confirmed it wouldn’t have been so bad if some selfish asshole hadn’t been sobbing uncontrollably the whole time. “I couldn’t believe what a dick the guy sitting in front of me was,” Elena Martinez ‘24 said of the bawler. “How is anyone supposed to focus on…
MALOTT HALL一Students in MUSIC 2212: History of Classical Composition were left panting in anticipation after Dr. Gregory Schreier announced that he would not release the practice prelim until the day before the exam as punishment for being very, very naughty. “In my class, if you want the practice exam, you have to earn it,” said…
NORTH CAMPUS—Halloween weekend, typically a staple of Cornell student culture, returned in full force after COVID-19 decimated last year’s celebrations. For many students, this was their first chance to experience a true, in-person Halloween at Cornell. After weeks of building excitement, students were eager for the big weekend to arrive and early reports indicate that…
BAILEY HALL—The hills are alive with the sound of music, and so are those who attended the 127th annual charity concert hosted by Before Nine, one of Cornell’s elite a capella groups. As with every year previous, all proceeds raised by the performance will go directly to the pockets of those who need it most—the…
DAY HALL—President Martha Pollack has drawn scrutiny across campus this weekend after details have emerged that link the president to a high-stakes dog fighting ring. Although early reports had indicated that Pollack is someone of a regular at the fights, the true extent of her involvement is only just beginning to be revealed. “Oh yeah,…
LOW RISE 6—In response to mounting requests since O-Week to stop the pileup of impressively profuse and wiry pubes festooning his floor’s toilet seats and shower stalls, RA Matthew Booker ‘22 has decided to launch “all out war” against Low Rise 6’s “hairy little shitgoblins.” “These little shits have had it too good for too…
