Friday, September 11, 2026
Mama’s Cleverest Boy Stumped by Strange Clothes-Washing Machine
Cornell Republican Sheds Red Nose and Polka Dot Romper, Slinks into Suit for Rare ClubFest Metamorphosis
English Department Receives $12 Grant
Level B ‘Underage Tuesdays’ Sees Commercial Success, Legal Ramifications

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Mama’s Cleverest Boy Stumped by Strange Clothes-Washing Machine
Cornell Republican Sheds Red Nose and Polka Dot Romper, Slinks into Suit for Rare ClubFest Metamorphosis
English Department Receives $12 Grant
Level B ‘Underage Tuesdays’ Sees Commercial Success, Legal Ramifications

CU Nooz

Random Nooz
Headlines

Mama’s Cleverest Boy Stumped by Strange Clothes-Washing Machine

Cornell Republican Sheds Red Nose and Polka Dot Romper, Slinks into Suit for Rare ClubFest Metamorphosis

English Department Receives $12 Grant

Level B ‘Underage Tuesdays’ Sees Commercial Success, Legal Ramifications

Birder Actually Not Sure About That One

Professor Spices Up Syllabus With Jokes Like “Attendance is Mandatory”

Outfit Shabby Enough to Do Work in Math Library Today

Super Seniors Devastated to Learn of “No Game” in Freshman Dorms

Worst Guy You Know Looking For Manic Pixie Tylenol Users

Wasian Student Association To Host Mixer

Cornell

Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats

Nooz Staff02 mins

LOW RISE SEVEN—The University Housing Department faced criticism this past week for their rapid action regarding rodents in Ganędagǫ: Hall as they continued to ignore the rampant infestation of bloodsucking vampire bats throughout Low Rise 7. The host of flighted mammals have reportedly occupied the dilapidated residence hall for several months without any university intervention….

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OP-ED: I Came To Cornell To Find A Husband But All I Got Was A World-Class Education

Nooz Staff03 mins

Many a year ago, when I still had about me the sprightly air of youth, I had felt myself most fortunate to have secured entrance into a finishing school where I was to polish those homemaking topics which are appropriate to the instruction of a young lady: pianoforte, embroidery, multivariate calculus, continental philosophy, organic chemistry,…

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Boris Tsang / Sun Photography Editor

Women’s Hockey Team Members Send Congratulations From Beijing Olympics as Men’s Hockey Team Wins First Game in 3 Weeks

Nooz Staff01 mins

BEIJING—Following the Men’s Hockey Team’s first win on Saturday in the past six games, the Women’s Hockey Team was quick to send their congratulations all the way from the Beijing Winter Olympics. “It’s so heartwarming to see Cornell’s premier athletic team make a comeback like this,” said three-time Olympic gold-medalist and former Cornell Women’s team…

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Coach David Archer Assures Cornell Football Team They Just Barely Missed Playing in Super Bowl This Year

Nooz Staff02 mins

SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Addressing his confused and disappointed team, football coach David Archer ‘05 told the Big Red that they were “really, really close” to making the Super Bowl this year. “When the guys heard there was a big game going on this weekend, they seemed pretty heartbroken that they hadn’t been invited,” said Archer. “I wanted…

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Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1

Nooz Staff02 mins

COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling…

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Club E-Board Locked In Vicious, Week-Long Debate Over Which Shade of Red Merch Should Be

Nooz Staff02 mins

After weeks of tumultuous, passionate and near-violent discussion, the Executive Board of Cornell’s Student Macrame Initiative has failed to reach consensus on the color of official club merchandise. “It would be absolutely unethical to allow any merch to be ordered in this shade of red,” Vice President of Outreach James London explained. “First of all,…

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Shocking! White Guy Wearing A “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” Shirt Isn’t Technically Doing Anything Wrong

Nooz Staff02 mins

Last Monday, Jackson Carter ‘25 surprised his introductory Physics zoom lecture with an inspiring new T-shirt choice: one of the “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” shirts given out by the College of Engineering. “At first, I wondered why this idiot had his camera on in a 300 person lecture,” classmate Samantha O’Neill ‘25…

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Neil Young Spotify Removal Devastates Population of Male Philosophy Students Who Can’t Get It Up Without a Whispery Old Man Voice on Their Sex Playlists

Nooz Staff02 mins

ITHACA CAMPUS—In an event tantamount to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, Spotify’s sudden removal of Neil Young’s discography has annihilated the sex playlists of men across the philosophy department. “Without Neil Young, I might as well give up sex,” complained Dorian Lancaster ‘23 between drags of his cigarette. “Sure, women are great, but…

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