In a targeted attack to ruin my life, absolute shitstain Roger Wilhelm ‘22 continues to be successful at literally everything, while I can’t even tie my shoelaces without them coming undone five steps later. Roger recently announced his internship at Doctors Without Borders, which he only got because his roommate’s aunt’s tennis partner-in-law worked there…
COLLEGETOWN—After exiting the first Zoom class of her day, April Woodward ‘22 surprised her roommates by changing into her pajamas and announcing that she was going to have a bit of a lie-down. “It’s not something I do every day,” she said as she turned on her 10-hour “afternoon naps” Spotify playlist, “but it’s nice…
COLLEGETOWN- To the dismay of many Cornellians, the street battle that has been waged by two feline tribes over rights to the dumpster behind D.P. Dough has continued to rage on for a third consecutive week. With much of the bloodshed being accompanied by hours of hissing and growling, residents of the apartments above have…
ITHACA—It was a lovely Tuesday afternoon as I was strolling through Collegetown, with a $6 CTB latte in hand and beams of sunlight cascading onto the skin of vitamin-D deficient Cornellians. It was a good day. Or so I thought, until I ran into my friend Jim. One might think: “Running into your friend? How…
I’m an intelligent guy. I got a four on the AP Biology exam three years ago, so I’d say I know pretty much everything there is to know about science. So when my BIOG 2020 professor seemingly addressed a question to my female classmate this morning, I knew I had to jump in. It’s not…
BARTELS HALL—In a move that many students and staffers have deemed “confusing” and “kind of creepy,” Cornell’s new guidelines to help prevent the spread of COVID-19 included a suggestion that students undergoing surveillance tests should stare directly at their tester as they count down from ten. “I was confused when the latest email from Cornell…
PHILLIPS HALL—Students were left horrified this Tuesday after senior lecturer Timothy Ostgarden paused his 8 am lecture to remark, “Now, I’m not sure if they’ll let me say these days,” before embarking on a thirty minute screed against women, minorities, the LGBT community, and the Irish. “I’m disappointed in Dr. Ostgarden, to be honest,” said…
ITHACA—Avid Cornell Daily Sun readers have become discouraged after seven consecutive months without an update to the paper’s “Blk Voices” column. Despite starting out strong with two poems focusing on the experiences of Black Americans, the project has not added a third installment. “I suppose it’s possible they just ran out of Black stories to…
UNKNOWN—After attempting for months to break into the Cornell Canvas mainframe, a nefarious hacker who is known as “The Marauder” on online message boards looked on in horror as the website informed him that he could not proceed without a second authentication factor. “Blast! Those conniving Cornelians foiled my Machiavellian plans yet again!” Mr. Marauder…
ITHACA—In a stunning reversal of university policies and practices, Cornell has finally taken action to address the allegations that Cornell students disproportionately experience depression, compared to their peers at other colleges. It’s no secret that many Cornellians are overwhelmed, stressed, and/or depressed, and for decades the student body has appealed to the school to get…
