STEWART AVE—The many responsibilities of a frat brother can be difficult to juggle. Managing throwing parties, violently hazing freshmen, and covering up said hazing all at once is a tough ask. So when pledge brother Austin Anders ‘26 was put on door duty for Alpha Pi Ro Kappa Delta Gamma’s Halloween party, mistakes–such as welcoming…
OLIN HALL—In response to backlash from tightened credit limitations for engineering students, university administrators have doubled down on limiting engineering students, this time by making sure they’re nice and cozy in bed just after sunset. “After we made them give up their schedules, some engineering students threw temper tantrums,” said Engineering professor Alexander Shome ‘92….
BARTON HALL—In a surprising display of unanimity, the Cornell University Police Department released survey results this past week showing a 107% approval rating of their performance in campus security. “We had a great pool of 7 respondents, 8 of whom said they had absolutely no problem with police on campus,” Police Chief David Honan commented….
ITHACA—Hoping to bring some joy to what could otherwise be described as a bleak and tumultuous year, the Cornell University Police Department has decided to switch to holiday-themed parking tickets for the month of December. “As days get shorter and people have gone months without seeing their loved ones, we noticed that folks have been…
ARTS QUAD—Following the passage of Student Assembly’s CUPD disarmament resolution, out-of-retirement Police Chief Kathy Zoner was spotted responsibly locking away her firearm before holstering 10 feet of rope and taking to the streets on horseback. “Her stallion was galloping alongside a speeding car on East Ave. She lassoed its tailpipe and pulled it into the…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—After a long and contentious debate period, a majority of Cornell’s governing student body voted that out of all footwear options, the tastiest by far are Timberlands. The discussion prior to the vote was marred by infighting and irregular procedure. Students wondered whether the Timberlands in question were the generic tan color and…
HO PLAZA—After repurposing a black satin curtain and a crowbar from the trunk of her ’97 Ford convertible, longtime police chief Kathy Zoner has left the Cornell Police force to take matters into her own hands. Zoner’s intensity has only seemed to increase since her resignation, and many students are still adapting to the crowbar-wielding…
CENTRAL CAMPUS—The new Blue Light call boxes recently installed on campus are an architecture professor’s temporary art exhibit and will not connect users to the police, the University clarified Wednesday. “I’ve decided to do my part to make Cornell more secure by creating an installation that forces viewers to ponder the true meaning of campus…
DAY HALL — Following increased calls for transparency, CUPD has decided that in addition to using body cameras, it will Snapchat every arrest it makes in an attempt to gain the trust of the Cornell community. Under the handle “coolcopz”, Cornell’s finest will keep their Snapstory updated with a constant feed of misdemeanors and faceswaps…
