Freshman Year

Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

LOW RISE SEVEN—The University Housing Department faced criticism this past week for their rapid action regarding rodents in Ganędagǫ: Hall as they continued to ignore the rampant infestation of bloodsucking vampire bats throughout Low Rise 7. The host of flighted mammals have reportedly occupied the dilapidated residence hall for several months without any university intervention….

“Halloweekend Was A Movie” Says Freshman Who Saw Two Girls Kiss

Nooz Staff4 years ago02 mins

NORTH CAMPUS—Halloween weekend, typically a staple of Cornell student culture, returned in full force after COVID-19 decimated last year’s celebrations. For many students, this was their first chance to experience a true, in-person Halloween at Cornell. After weeks of building excitement, students were eager for the big weekend to arrive and early reports indicate that…

Cornell Riot Police Deploy Freshman Dorm Smell Against Maskless Monday Protestors

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

DAY HALL 一 Student protestors participating in the first Maskless Monday protest against Cornell’s masking policy were met by the repulsive aroma of a sweaty, virginal freshman’s dorm room as CUPD Riot Police sought to disperse the protest. “At first I didn’t know what scents were hitting my bare, uncovered nose,” said Chasten Miles ‘25….

Freshman Loses The Few Friends He Has By Pronouncing Gracías “Grathías” In Introductory Spanish Class

Nooz Staff5 years ago02 mins

ZOOM—Charlie Richmond ‘24 unsuccessfully attempted to impress his SPAN 1101: General Spanish I professor with a refined pronunciation of “grathías” on the first day of class. “At first I thought that the other students would be intimidated by my obvious natural proficiency for Spanish,” Richmond explained, “but then I remembered my most recent trip to…

Parents Who Said College Would Be “The Best Four Years of Your Life” Conveniently Quiet Now

Nooz Staff5 years ago02 mins

Los Angeles—After a completely dry semester spent playing Among Us and aimlessly staring at the ceiling of his dorm lounge, Trent Jackson ’24 began listing the names of the lying adults who told him college would be “the best four years” of his life. “My dad used to tell me his college stories: frats, bars,…

Panicked Student Relieved After Googling “Is Urine Burning A COVID Symptom?”

Nooz Staff5 years ago03 mins

MORRISTOWN, NJ—An immense feeling of relief washed over Anthony Moses ’23 after his routine trip to the restroom suddenly became the subject of intense research on the symptoms of the COVID-19 virus, in fear that he had contracted the deadly disease after experiencing a burning sensation as he urinated. “It was terrifying,” remarked Moses before…

Freshman Departs Campus For Winter Break With Box Of Condoms Still Unopened

Nooz Staff5 years ago02 mins

DONLON HALL—Per sources close to the situation, the bulk-sized box of condoms purchased in August by freshman Isaac Moore at a Costco remained completely unused at the onset of winter break three months later. “When I first moved in, he showed me the box of rubbers almost immediately and asked me if I thought he’d…

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Student Surprised to Find that Nintendo DS Isn’t as Fun as She Remembers

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

RYE, NY—Bored and nostalgic junior Nancy Alcott ‘21 recently excavated her room to find her old Nintendo DS rolled up inside a Justin Timberlake poster, only to be disappointed in the nonexistent taste of her six year old self. “I had so much fun playing with it on long car rides and plane trips, but…

Medieval Literature FWS Sets New Record With 62 Minutes of Unbroken Silence After Question

Nooz Staff6 years ago03 mins

ROCKFORD, IL—Area graduate student and instructor of MEDVL 1101: Middle English Poetry, Carlos Galarraga, has reportedly achieved a record-setting sixty-two minute period of silence after asking a question about a recent reading to his first-year writing seminar. “It got a little awkward in there for a bit, but I believe it’s really important to let…

Student Drops Boyfriend After Realizing He’s as Much Work as a 3 Credit Course

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago03 mins

BEDROOM—As the drop deadline quickly approaches and her virtual classes begin to pile on work, Sara Gomez ‘21, has been tempted to cut down on her commitments by dropping her time consuming boyfriend. “I’m taking Linear Algebra, Organic Chemistry, Computational Genomics, Electromagnetism, and my boyfriend Jack,” she explained. After Zooming with academic advisors, and going…

“What Are You Talking About? Slope Day Just Happened”: Administration Tries New Tactic After Failing to Source Replacement Artist

Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

Circle of Elders Regales Freshmen With Stories of the Before-Times When the Clocktower Was Free

Girl Power! Group of Girlies Take Elevator Up to 7th Floor of Olin

EDITORIAL | Nooz Will Endorse You For Student Assembly, Dependent On How Willing You Are To Push Our Interests

“Hi, Mind If We Ask You a Quick Question?” Admitted Student’s Family Member Somehow Inside of Your Room

Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats

“Halloweekend Was A Movie” Says Freshman Who Saw Two Girls Kiss

Cornell Riot Police Deploy Freshman Dorm Smell Against Maskless Monday Protestors

Freshman Loses The Few Friends He Has By Pronouncing Gracías “Grathías” In Introductory Spanish Class

Parents Who Said College Would Be “The Best Four Years of Your Life” Conveniently Quiet Now

Panicked Student Relieved After Googling “Is Urine Burning A COVID Symptom?”

Freshman Departs Campus For Winter Break With Box Of Condoms Still Unopened

Student Surprised to Find that Nintendo DS Isn’t as Fun as She Remembers

Medieval Literature FWS Sets New Record With 62 Minutes of Unbroken Silence After Question

Student Drops Boyfriend After Realizing He’s as Much Work as a 3 Credit Course