NORTH CAMPUS – Upon parking the family’s light blue Town & Country near Mews Hall, the mother of incoming freshman Tricia Duvan ’20 was reportedly, great, already crying over the idea of leaving her only daughter in this new and strange college environment without her mother by her side. “Oh, my sweet, sweet daughter! Just…
Upon pecking through their shells and scanning the campus around them, twelve newly hatched freshmen imprinted on the first Cornellian they saw, junior Ellen Hayes, convincing themselves that she was their mother. “I’m too young for this responsibility,” Hayes said. “When they followed me into lecture, they all just stood there, staring at me, expecting…
STUDENT CENTER — Thousands of members of the class of 2020 attempted to enroll in the 10:10 lecture of Introductory Macroeconomics this morning, however they found it filled up too quickly and oh boo hoo you sad fucks, you didn’t get a class you wanted. “Now that I’ve been locked out of one class for…
NORTH CAMPUS — Amidst growing concerns of insufficient student housing, Cornell has announced that a new spatial dimension will be constructed on North Campus to accommodate the incoming class of 2020. “We used to have to force triples and quads in some of the high rises, but recent advances in technology mean that we can fit…
THE COMMONS — Campus nerds Colleen Eiderman ’19 and Emily Mehta ’19, who forgot their fake ID’s at their apartment, attempted to use a Jedi Mind trick on the unsuspecting Moonies bouncer. “These are not the ID’s you’re looking for,” said the inebriated Eiderman, as she waved her hand across the bouncer’s face and Mehta…
TRIPHAMMER ROAD — A coalition of fraternities has purchased a tanker truck of beer to be shared among Cornell’s frats during pledge season. This unprecedented effort will save thousands of dollars on the millions of gallons of beer that the frats collectively purchase during the semester. “I know this is sorta making history, and it…
ITHACA SKATE PARK — Finally, at the end of her first semester at Cornell, President Elizabeth Garrett is settling in and making new friends with some burnouts from Ithaca High School. “These guys get me, you know?” said Garrett on the halfpipe of the Ithaca skate park, “I feel like I can finally reinvent my…
OXLEY EQUESTRIAN CENTER— White, upper-class freshman Rebecca Larson has recently been feeling intense anxiety about fitting in with her white, upper-class teammates on Cornell’s horseback riding team. “I feel like I won’t fit in here because I’m so different. For one thing, my stable at home was smaller than this place,” she said, grooming her…
Freshmen Candidates: Dale Barbaria — Barbaria’s high school yearbook awarded this engineering student from New Rochelle the title “Most Likely To Be A Student Assembly Representative At Cornell University” Nelson Billington — From Washington D.C., Billington promises that, if elected Freshman Representative, he will use his new position to impress girls. Marissa…
DONLON HALL – After questioning numerous people and going through all plausible culprits in his head, Donlon resident Greg Parker ’19 claimed he was still clueless as to who could have left the clump of hair he found in the shower on the third floor. “Nobody on this floor has long blond hair, and yet…
