ROSE HOUSE—After a series of dangerous public opinion polls demonstrated that Cornell’s three non-STEM colleges contributed “absolutely nothing positive to society,” the trio of management schools decided to set their differences aside to form a giant super-mech with the strength to defeat any plebes who stand in their way. “People usually think, ‘Oh, ILR, they’re…
BAKER LAB—Chemistry students were overcome by sheer terror Monday morning as they entered Baker 200, which had been transformed into a haunted house by changing absolutely nothing. Stepping through the foreboding double doors, students were confronted by the same sights, sounds, and scents as those of any ordinary chem lecture, but only in the context…
October the 14th Today was a cruel day. I was dutifully making my way across Campus Road, soon to be greeted by a delectable submarine sandwich from Mattin’s Cafe, when I found myself viciously hoodwinked by a local ne’er-do-well. As I reached the end of the crosswalk, the Duffield doors called out to me, summoning…
IVES HALL—ILR student Jason Schodd ’23 made major strides in his academic career this week after his bold inquiry into whether or not the academic year had yet begun. Although he has yet to attend class, Schodd’s newfound drive for excellence should allow him to rise above the middle of the pack among his classmates….
STEWART AVENUE– It was a seemingly ordinary Saturday night when I boarded a TCAT near the Williams Lot, wearing my mask (per policy). The bus was filled with hordes of drunk freshmen who decided against making the long trek back up the hill. The night took a turn, however, when I realized just how debaucherous…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD–While homecoming weekend is an exciting time for all students, surely no one is anticipating it more than Casey Gable ‘25, a football player who derives sexual gratification from being publicly humiliated. “I love it when the whole stadium has their eyes on me in my tight little shorts,” groaned Gable, already sweating through…
COMSTOCK HALL—Biology Major Jay Kottlier ‘26 was left awestruck in his BIOG 1500 laboratory meeting this week following his successful utilization of a pipette. Upon witnessing the device move a small quantity of liquid from one container to another, Kottlier reported being filled with an immense certainty that mankind would soon bring about its own…
Olin and Uris, a pair of twin freshmen in the Dyson School, were found to be blissfully unaware of their Cornell legacy. “People keep saying how cute it is that our parents named us after their alma mater, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t go here,” commented Uris, bending to pick a singular blade of…
ARTS QUAD–“Wow! Isn’t she so beautiful?” says a salivating Fredirck Wiles ‘25 over Caroline Naderi ‘24, who has been assigned to be the face of the “ground-breaking, barrier-smashing, revolutionary club,” as she has just been granted permission to exit her storage closet.Engineering project teams across campus have been concerned about their ratio, and the Cornell…
NORTH CAMPUS–Cornell Housing and Residential Life left many students hot and bothered this Monday after announcing that all residents of air conditioned dorms would be issued a complimentary monocle and butler to distinguish them from the uncooled masses. “Although Cornell has a proud 150-year history of prioritizing privileged students at the expense of their disadvantaged…
