Ithaca NY—After many of her friends returned to campus from their marvelous spring break adventures around the globe, one pathetic student actually enjoyed her time staying in Ithaca over the break. Even though she never drank the finest wines or had passionate flings with the hottest men the world had to offer, Sarah Waller ‘21…
COLLEGETOWN PLAZA—After weeks of anticipation for being able to complain to everyone she talks to about the upcoming Slope Day artist, EDM fan Tina Neves ‘20 was devastated to learn the concert will be headlined by Steve Aoki, an artist she is actually excited to see. “I can’t fucking believe the Slope Day Committee screwed…
COLLEGETOWN—After four of the most invigorating days of his life, Angelo Larusso ‘20 has returned to a snowy Ithaca campus a new man. “My perspective completely changed over the nearly three-quarters of a week I was away,” Larusso said, his face now illuminated by a sun-kissed glow and his hair a millimeter longer. “The snow,…
COLLEGETOWN—After months of putting in absolutely no effort to secure an internship for the summer, Tanmay Anand ’21 was relieved that he finally landed a coveted Job Opportunity. “I still haven’t gotten around to actually apply anywhere, so I’m guessing some recruiter found my Linkedin and emailed me thinking I’d be a perfect fit,” Anand…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Bryn Russell ‘21 got out of bed early this morning so she could have time to drink the coffee provided for Slope Day volunteers before the festivities began. “I’ve been pounding back espresso shots since 6am,” said Russell. “I want to make sure I’m amped and ready to go by the time I…
CORNELL HEALTH—On Wednesday, Cornell Health officials released a statement to the university suggesting that students contract flu now to get it out of their system before prelim season. “We just think that you might as well get that out of your way before the semester really picks up,” says Kathy Grammer, Cornell Health official. “I…
WEST CAMPUS—Following revelations that a campus fraternity conducted a contest in which new members racked up points based on having sexual intercourse, Cornell fraternities are starting to worry they might not be seen as models of tolerance and respect on campus. “I’ve always thought of us as pioneers when it comes to promoting open-mindedness and…
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA—After reading some articles about January’s armed robberies across Ithaca, my mom is reportedly pretty afraid that the thief may threaten my safety at Cornell. “Hey, I’m checking in to make sure you’re doing okay,” my mom texted me last Sunday, presumably worried that the criminal may break into my apartment and attempt…
NORTH CAMPUS—Following fifteen days of relying on her newfound mentor for advice and guidance, Alexis Li ‘21 reportedly still hasn’t realized the knowledgeable student she always sees around North also first arrived on campus one month ago. “Ever since we met at Nasties, which is a popular upperclassman spot, the Dan Man has made me…
SOMEWHERE IN THE BAHAMAS—After citing an excessive influx of emails full of trivial complaints, Ithaca landlords stated that they will continue their $80 million heist in plain sight and there’s nothing you can do about it. “I do occasionally get questioned by tenants who demand to know dumb stuff like why they haven’t gotten their…
