NORTH CAMPUS—Cornellians are privileged to have access to such a wide variety of unique opportunities, and new students are always eager to take advantage of the multitude of offerings. Many freshmen have already forged new friendships through the abundance of extracurriculars that this university provides. Tragically, the dream college life has not materialized for one…
BEBE LAKE—As winter approaches, many creatures encounter difficulty securing a mate for the season—Cornell students included. A new study from the Cornell Behavioral Ecology Department investigated the mate-seeking strategy of the highly elusive (and highly exclusive) Spoiled bratae, colloquially known as rich students. “I was thrilled to be invited to Cornell to complete my research…
If ever I were to tell a student that I wished they had a larger chest, plumper butt, or more attractive proportions, I would immediately be met outside Barton Hall by an angry mob with pitchforks. So why, I ask, do you think it’s okay to wish that my curves were bigger, wider, or more…
LYNAH RINK—When Charlie Yu ‘26 bought his ticket to the 2023 Cornell-Harvard men’s ice hockey game, he didn’t realize how much of a commitment it would be. But two days after the game’s conclusion, the stands remained empty save for the lone sophomore’s silent vigil as he waited for the perfect conditions to toss his…
ARTS QUAD—Police surrounded Klarman Hall today in the biggest organized crime bust in Cornell’s history. The tens of attendees at The Dons’ third annual a cappella performance were shocked as officers stormed the stage and started making arrests instead of beatboxing. The big bust was made in part due to the bravery of one particularly…
OLIN LIBRARY—I’ll say it. I am sick and tired of these so-called STEM majors complaining about their fucking “prelims”, “research,” and the “general horror that is being pre-med.” Quite frankly, if “studying for the MCAT” were so important, you wouldn’t be interrupting my (very much needed) afternoon public Poptropica session. As I was sitting on…
COLLEGETOWN—Amongst the Halloween revelers, ghosts, goblins, and ghouls at this year’s Halloween festivities stood a group of costumes so outrageous that passersby were seen running and screaming from the scene. “There- there was a Josh Allen, a Travis Kelce, a Tom Brady, and a Lamar Jackson,” said a still shaking Fernando Robertson ’26. Now normally…
URIS LIBRARY– Sasha Wilken ‘24 is truly embracing the aesthetics of dark academia by donning a tweed blazer while she sobs over her 324 pages of reading due Friday. “I’ve always loved looking at dark academia fashion and pictures on pinterest, but now that I have no time to do that, I have found a…
STATLER HALL–Many were gripped by shock and awe today as what looked to be a procession of animated undead corpses made their way across central campus. Upon further investigation by campus officials, it seemed that the would-be arbiters of Armageddon turned out to be attending an investment banking information session. A witness to the ghastly…
STATLER HOTEL—Three things in life are certain: death, taxes, and a Hotelie informing unsuspecting, regular people of their “major” completely unprompted. One pair of hotel students has taken this fact to a new level, rethinking the societal norm of oversharing. “We like to practice our craft in interesting ways; just last week I organized my…
