ITHACA- On today’s wintry November morning, Poppa Skorton rose at the crack of dawn, blurry eyed and grim, ready to perform a deed he knew he wouldn’t soon forget. Today was the day pap Davie would take Red Rover out behind the Big Red Barn and bring the sweet creature’s suffering to an end. “I…
ITHACA, NY — Inspired by the plans for the “Gateway to the Arts Quad,” pictured, planned to be completed by 2015, President David Skorton has outlined a plan to cover the entirety of Cornell’s central campus in a glass dome to create “the atrium to end all atriums.” “Look,” Skorton said as he shuffled architectural…
ITHACA, NY – Last Tuesday, Freshman Human Development Major, Julia Bowers ‘17, confided to her twitter followers that she may have regrets towards attending school so far north. She tweeted, “28 degrees in October!? I should have just gone to Duke. #cornellproblems #LayersOnLayersonLayers #CantPee” A current resident of Richmond, Virginia, Bowers confided that she “might…
The bench outside of RPCC brings back many memories for the class of 1974, after which it has been dedicated. Here, alumni of ’74 share their stories: Daniel Dykeman- “I remember from my days at Cornell that there were just so many benches on Cornell’s campus, but by far that one was my favorite. It…
Racial tensions peaked on Saturday as a minority student thought it would be funny to dress up as a white person for Halloween. The student, who wishes to remain anonymous, has received threats from the majority community. Photos from Facebook reveal that the student, dressed in beige khakis, brown loafers, and a v-neck sweater pulled…
ITHACA- Last Thursday, the Cornell campus erupted into chaos after McGraw Clocktower played “Rains of Castamere” over chimes. The song, widely associated with The Red Wedding, a horrific slaughter-fest in the hit HBO Series, “Game of Thrones,” could be heard all throughout campus. “I was just studying in the 7th Floor Stacks of Olin Library…
ITHACA- Bratslavian student Bohuslav Grergonsk is reportedly very excited to spend his first American Halloween at Cornell. Bohuslav told CU Nooz that he planned to “make good costume of the Breaking Bad or Miley Montanas” in order to share his love of American culture with his fellow classmates. Bohuslav was also hopeful to “do treating…
ITHACA – In response to faltering WiFi signals throughout campus, especially in high-traffic locations like Trillium and Statler, Cornell University has decided to hire local Ithaca residents to circulate buildings holding local hot-spot routers. This plan was coordinated with Mayor Svante Myrick in response to students’ anger over lack of Internet service and Myrick’s desire…
ITHACA, NY – Yesterday, freshman Pre-Law Jacob McPherson sat in Olin 5th floor stacks unassumingly, contemplating taking the single 60 milligram dose of Adderall that he bought on Saturday night from a member of a fraternity on campus. After weighing the pros and cons, McPherson decided to ingest the study drug for the first time,…
ITHACA – Last night University President David Skorton traded in his suit and tie for a tuxedo and tray of free samples in order to promote his new collegetown dining establishment, an Ithaca branch of the Morton’s Steakhouse chain. Proudly standing outside the restaurant, located at the corner of College and Dryden, Skorton gleefully delivered…
