Campus Squirrel Contemplates Digging 1,500 Small Holes

TOWER ROAD — Speedily rubbing its paws together and darting its tail this way and that, an indecisive campus squirrel reportedly contemplated whether or not to dig over one thousand small holes in the ground.

“Those woodchips over there look pretty easy to move around. I could probably dig a few holes by that tree too, and stick my head inside of each just for a bit,” the squirrel considered, eyeing a row of evergreens.

“If I make one hole, then I could make another one next to it. Then, I would have two holes, perhaps more.” The squirrel considered how far apart the holes should be and if one hole might smell more than the others.

The squirrel was later seen sprinting across the intersection at East Avenue to get a better idea of the lay of the land.

Squirrel Watching Club Neglects Duties as Squirrels Rampage Through Campus

HO PLAZA — The Cornell campus was on high alert at 11 p.m. last night when a horde of squirrels went into a frenzy through campus after the Squirrel Watching Club neglected its duties during finals week to watch squirrels for radical behavior.

“We acknowledge our shortcomings, and we apologize,” said Elizabeth Harvey ’16, president of Squirrel Watching Club, in a statement released to the public after coming under significant fire for their failure. “We’re the ones in charge of keeping the squirrels in line, so we need to do a better job.”

The club’s statement blamed a sleepy freshman for falling asleep during his squirrel watching shift, and assured students that from now on, the Squirrel Watchers training will be stricter, and coffee will become mandatory during night watch shifts.

“It was awful,” said Fred Carmichael ’17. “I was just walking to Uris when a squirrel leapt on my back, realized I wasn’t a nut, then jumped back into the swarm of fuzzy woodland creatures that were taking up the wall of Willard Straight.”

The shortcomings of the Squirrel Watching club are horrendous, but one can only really place blame on the Squirrel Watcher Watchers Club for not watching the Squirrel Watching club closely enough.