“These COVID Restrictions Are Tyrannical,” Complain Frats While Spitting Directly Into Each Other’s Mouths

COLLEGETOWN—As Cornell announced a new list of COVID-19 restrictions, campus fraternities voiced concern about the new rules as only Greek life can: through dramatic gestures that almost certainly make the issue worse. “This is a matter of principle,” commented Zeta Gamma president James Mendelson ‘22. “We checked, and there is nothing in the rules that…

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Cornell Clubs Strike Down Eviction Moratorium for Alumni Lingering in Group Chats

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—With the inception of the Fall 2021 semester, Cornell clubs have lifted their controversial policy allowing recent alumni to remain in group chats despite no longer qualifying as official members.   “While there is no question that the Covid-19 pandemic has made it difficult for new graduates to explore new opportunities, that does…

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Orientation Leaders and High School Friends Compete to Be Ghosted Fastest by Incoming Freshmen

NORTH CAMPUS—A week after sending their closest friends off to new lives as college students, the high school friends of incoming freshmen found themselves in a race against Cornell’s orientation leaders to determine who could be ignored sooner by the campus’ newest residents. “I’m honestly off to a great start,” commented NYU freshman Dave Nichols….

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