October the 14th Today was a cruel day. I was dutifully making my way across Campus Road, soon to be greeted by a delectable submarine sandwich from Mattin’s Cafe, when I found myself viciously hoodwinked by a local ne’er-do-well. As I reached the end of the crosswalk, the Duffield doors called out to me, summoning…
DUFFIELD HALL–Adorable! Proud onlookers report that Benny DeCosta ‘23 looked as cute as a button in his big boy suit today as he prepared for his interview with the hypersonic missiles branch of Raytheon Technologies. DeCosta’s big day began early. He was too excited to sleep, so he watched an episode of Barney and Friends…
WARREN HALL—After attending a seminar on “sticking around in the business world” at a networking event, Dyson freshman Cooper Waldingham promptly Super Glued himself to the nearest important-looking person he could find and broke into an ill-rehearsed and pun-laden elevator pitch. “I guess we’re stuck with each other now, huh?” said a winking Waldingham to…
IVES HALL—ILR student Jason Schodd ’23 made major strides in his academic career this week after his bold inquiry into whether or not the academic year had yet begun. Although he has yet to attend class, Schodd’s newfound drive for excellence should allow him to rise above the middle of the pack among his classmates….
GOLDWIN SMITH—After a vigorous year-long application process, Cornell’s prestigious Campus Procrastination Club (CPC) has selected their Executive Board for the Fall 2021 semester. “Look, it just got out of hand,” explained outgoing President Patrick Lenbrooke ‘22. “We initially planned for and announced a three-week application process that started in May of 2021. But then the…
GOLDWIN SMITH—There are many downsides to being mowed down by a bicycle in the middle of Feeney Way, as I discovered at 8 AM today. Sprawled out on the crosswalk, clutching my new sprained wrist to my chest, I could do nothing but holler obscenities at the fleeing cyclist and mourn the loss of my…
STEWART AVENUE– It was a seemingly ordinary Saturday night when I boarded a TCAT near the Williams Lot, wearing my mask (per policy). The bus was filled with hordes of drunk freshmen who decided against making the long trek back up the hill. The night took a turn, however, when I realized just how debaucherous…
BARTHELONA—Despite the full week of school remaining before Fall Break begins, one wealthy student has decided to take some early relaxation after a hard-fought prelim season. “My Wines class has just been so stressful recently,” said trust fund child Jamenald Worcestershire ‘23. “I don’t know what else I should do. I just haaad to get…
KINZELBERG HALL—After multiple passers-by observed nutritional sciences major Anthony Walters ‘23 eating a cucumber as one might consume a banana, sources confirmed he must have access to some insider information. “There’s no way he’s just eating that because he enjoys it, right?” said civil engineering major Madison Davies ‘24. “Like, pickles I could maybe understand,…
JESSUP FIELD—On Tuesday night, the hotly anticipated Cornell 2022 Intramural Outdoor Soccer League championship game—which was also the first game of the season—came to an underwhelming close. Team SOCCr, a ragtag group of CHEM2070 all-star students, put up a valiant effort but ultimately lost their chance at the glory that comes with intramural excellence. “We…
