New Flo “Wrapped” Feature to Detail Top Five Pregnancy Scares of 2024

PLANNED PARENTHOOD—Amidst the end-of-year sentimentality, everyone’s favorite period-tracking app couldn’t help but jump on the new “wrapped” trend, announcing an update to show users’ end-of-year period-related data. “The new feature contains dozens of exciting statistics you’ve never wanted to see or know!” stated spokesperson Jonas Piercy. “For example, did you know that of the 47…

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“A Date Which Will Live in Infamy”: Student Bombs Prelim

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Frank Rosen ‘25 delivered a speech to an emergency session of the Student Assembly regarding the calamitous prelim grade dropped on a Cornell sophomore earlier today. “Today, December 7, 2024—a date which will live in infamy—Eddie Kimmel ‘27 was suddenly and deliberately attacked by the TAs and professor of MATH 2130. “Kimmel was…

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Friend Complaining About Racist Uncle at Thanksgiving Clearly Doesn’t Have Uncle Taking Up the Tuba

HANS BETHE HOUSE—Students flocked back to campus today, marking the end of Thanksgiving break. For most it was restful. For many students, however, Thanksgiving means a dreaded reunion with humankind’s most resented relatives: uncles. “I have twelve uncles,” said Ethan Doherty ‘27. “It’s hard to keep track of which ones are normal because everyone wears…

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