DAY HALL—Your plans to do summer research on campus? Take it back now y’all. Due to the voters not sliding to the left, but to the right now, cuts to federal research funding and taxing on endowment payments have prompted a hiring pause at Cornell University.
The directive also emphasized the need to criss cross (criss cross) out departmental discretionary spending. “How low can you go?” urged President Kotlikoff in his internal message to faculty.
Departments must now hop over numerous bureaucratic obstacles—reportedly six hops, this time—to deem positions “mission critical.” Despite calls from concerned students and faculty to have the order reversed reversed, the administration’s message is clear: let’s NOT go to work.
Physical Education is one department already cutting many of their course offerings on account of reduced funding to pay for instructors and equipment. Niche classes like ice climbing, fencing, and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu have been stomped out (unclear whether by the right or left foot) and instead replaced by a singular PE option: line dancing.
Charlie Brown, Cornell’s Director of Physical Education, had this to say to explain his decision-making process in these funky times: “Cha cha real smooth.”
