DAY HALL—Ahead of Cornell Days, when incoming students tour campus and overcrowd Morrison Dining, President Michael Kotlikoff was spotted power washing political messages written in chalk. The messages, placed there by Students for a Democratic Cornell to protest Cornell’s connections to ICE and Trump, were unceremoniously replaced with hopscotch courts hand-drawn by Kotlikoff with Crayola Chalk.
“Nooo guysss,” Kotlikoff started in a statement to the press. “I didn’t notice anything political, I promiseee. I didn’t even know we did political statements anymore, not on my campus. I just really wanted to play hopscotch with my friends.” Passersby noted that Kotlikoff did not have friends to play hopscotch with.
To clear up the confusion, Kotlikoff went on Instagram Live to apologize. “I’m sowwy for violating any rights that you have under the Expressive Activity Policy. Pwease fow-give me, I’m just a wittle guy, I’m only seventy-five-teen.” After a belabored speech complete with pleading puppy dog eyes, he ended by saying, “With hindsight, I understand that I should’ve made the campus policy on political speech more restrictive.”
Kotlikoff and Ryan Lombardi were seen practicing Double Dutch together the following morning.
