COMSTOCK HALL—Last week, Cornell received an OSHA complaint for improper use of personal protective equipment, following many students refusing to wear gloves in an Investigative Biology Laboratory. Some cite having a severe latex/nitrile allergy, others claim the glove sizes are woefully inadequate, and many blame it on an extreme downturn in pleasure. One student, Richard…
DUFFIELD HALL—Many saintlike engineering students have had their virtuous reputations marred by unfounded accusations of immorality following a recruitment event hosted by Palantir at Cornell. These engineers have done nothing more than demonstrate their willingness to ignore ethics for a $200k starting salary. One attendee, Ceille Autê ‘27, who has never faced any kind of…
COCKTAIL LOUNGE—After a night of studying for Professor Palirello’s Static Dynamics class, students discovered that the professor who spent the entire semester single-handedly dismantling students’ GPA has a Wikipedia page that is “like, not even that long.” Mark Ostrovsky ‘28 said, “From the way he leaves homework comments, I expected to put my thumbs to…
HO PLAZA—A. Cornellius III, a longtime Central Campus resident and Eastern Gray Squirrel, vehemently denied accusations that he was caught jeering and chittering derisively at students following the first round of prelims last week. “I just happen to be gathering nuts at a rate that’s not two standard deviations under the median,” he chirped. “Maybe…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Dozens of students were left aghast in their discussion section after their despicable professor asked them if anyone could summarize the reading no one read, which was assigned for today’s class. “It was terrifying,” shivered Marcus Vina ‘28. “He was pulling up his usual mind-numbing lecture slides, but then he turned to the…
URIS HALL—As the students in the Behavior of Neuroscience Laboratory class wrapped up the final rounds of their experiment last Wednesday, one student, Aria Romero ‘26, generously offered to take final inventory of the lab animals for her fellow classmates. While her classmates graciously accepted and left early, reports of a suspicious figure slipping out…
ITHACA, NY—On Monday morning, Samuel Whitmore ’27, a student in Professor Daniel Sarver’s Ethics in Business course, noticed something different when he received an email from his professor. Near the close of the message, students were met with an additional paragraph between Sarver’s office location and the university’s standard land acknowledgement. “I live and work…
DUFFIELD HALL—Following a historic donation from David A. Duffield ’62, MBA ’64, the College of Engineering has edited the text of its iconic “This Is What A Cornell Engineer Looks Like” to instead read “This Is What A David Duffield Looks Like.” The change, the College of Engineering says, will recognize Duffield for his enormous…
COLLEGETOWN—With frigid temperatures forecasted for the Ithaca area this week, Cornell senior Danny Trelawny ‘26 is facing a cold, dangerous reality of his own. “I’m screwed,” Trelawny said beneath three layers of scarf. “The temperature with wind chill is higher than my GPA.” Trelawny has trodden slippery academic ground since the fall of his first…
THURSTON AVE. BRIDGE—At 9:16 PM Monday, a trudging line of solemnly shuffling figures could be seen snaking down to North Campus, participating in a timeless rite of post-prelim passage designed to cleanse the academic spirit. The lumbering group emitted a characteristic primal rumble of lamenting voices that could be heard for miles around as its…
