“GET ON THE GROUND AND BEG LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!” Most Merciful Chem Professor Grants Extra Credit Opportunity

Cornell’s Chemistry Department was up in arms this past week due to the unprecedented decision of one unusually generous professor to offer her students an extra credit opportunity.  “We in the Chem Department are committed to the unquenchable desire to watch our students writhe and despair in the hellish academic cesspools that we call classes,”…

Read More

Evil Professor To Teach All Classes in Your Major, Minor, and Distribution Requirements Next Semester

KEETON HOUSE—Students flocked to the new Fall ‘24 course rosters, excited to plan their next academic semester. Unfortunately for one, their very own academic career has been hijacked by an apparent monopoly on required courses.  Olivia Thompson ‘25 has only a few semesters to go, but she must overcome one final obstacle to gain the…

Read More

Practical Application! Physics Student Recalls “Fg=Mg” Right Before Eating Shit On Icy Sidewalk

Rockefeller Hall—Samuel Maxwell ‘24 was sick of the negative reputation physics majors have garnered, and was determined to change it. As his wiry pipe-cleaner build struggled along Collegetown’s icy asphalt, Maxwell insisted that physics majors were “in the upper echelon of Cornell intelligence” and “not at all condescending or arrogant.”  He talked at length about…

Read More

Study: Burnout Most Common Among Stupid Kids

Every semester, students across campus eagerly await “prelim season,” a time for rigorous–yet invigorating–intellectual stimulation. Unfortunately, according to a new report released by Cornell’s Department of Psychology, stupid kids actually suffer during this energizing time of year.  Academic burnout is brought on by overwhelming workloads, and can cause students to feel drained, exhausted, and unmotivated….

Read More

Academic Adultery? I Swapped Discussion Sections Four Times and Now My Professor is Calling Me a Slut

BAKER LAB–When Elliot Sandleford ‘26 finally settled on his spring semester lineup, he expected his course-related troubles to be over. “I spent weeks rearranging my Scheduler,” said Sandleford. “I had to get it exactly right, where I would have 8:00 AM labs every morning but also somehow no time to eat lunch.” Although the Arts…

Read More

Guy Wearing “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” Shirt Definitely Didn’t Need to Clarify

DUFFIELD HALL—Last week, Bruce Reid ‘26, a Cornell mechanical engineering student, proudly sported his “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” shirt around campus. However, Reid’s peers claim that they didn’t require his extra clarification to figure out his major. “Oftentimes, images portray an idea better than words,” said Jabari White ‘25, who saw…

Read More