“I Have Concepts of a Plan”: Trump Scrambles to Outline Essay

MAR-A-LAGO, FL—With a looming deadline and mounting pressure from advisors, former President Donald Trump is reportedly clambering to finish his first paper’s outline for GOVT 1111: Intro to American Government and Politics. “The President is currently hard at work to deliver this outline for the American people,” said Trump campaign spokesman Steven Cheung. “Meanwhile, radical…

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Guy Who Spent All Semester Watching 2x Speed Lecture Recordings Just Talks Like That Now

OLIN LIBRARY—After a semester of achieving “maximal academic efficiency” by consuming all his lectures at fast pace and high pitch, Freddy Fedderman ‘26 was surprised to find that his study habits had left him talking in double-time. Though Fedderman’s condition has been observed before, with a notable uptick during the Holiday Season from those who…

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“GET ON THE GROUND AND BEG LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE!” Most Merciful Chem Professor Grants Extra Credit Opportunity

Cornell’s Chemistry Department was up in arms this past week due to the unprecedented decision of one unusually generous professor to offer her students an extra credit opportunity.  “We in the Chem Department are committed to the unquenchable desire to watch our students writhe and despair in the hellish academic cesspools that we call classes,”…

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Evil Professor To Teach All Classes in Your Major, Minor, and Distribution Requirements Next Semester

KEETON HOUSE—Students flocked to the new Fall ‘24 course rosters, excited to plan their next academic semester. Unfortunately for one, their very own academic career has been hijacked by an apparent monopoly on required courses.  Olivia Thompson ‘25 has only a few semesters to go, but she must overcome one final obstacle to gain the…

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Practical Application! Physics Student Recalls “Fg=Mg” Right Before Eating Shit On Icy Sidewalk

Rockefeller Hall—Samuel Maxwell ‘24 was sick of the negative reputation physics majors have garnered, and was determined to change it. As his wiry pipe-cleaner build struggled along Collegetown’s icy asphalt, Maxwell insisted that physics majors were “in the upper echelon of Cornell intelligence” and “not at all condescending or arrogant.”  He talked at length about…

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Study: Burnout Most Common Among Stupid Kids

Every semester, students across campus eagerly await “prelim season,” a time for rigorous–yet invigorating–intellectual stimulation. Unfortunately, according to a new report released by Cornell’s Department of Psychology, stupid kids actually suffer during this energizing time of year.  Academic burnout is brought on by overwhelming workloads, and can cause students to feel drained, exhausted, and unmotivated….

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Academic Adultery? I Swapped Discussion Sections Four Times and Now My Professor is Calling Me a Slut

BAKER LAB–When Elliot Sandleford ‘26 finally settled on his spring semester lineup, he expected his course-related troubles to be over. “I spent weeks rearranging my Scheduler,” said Sandleford. “I had to get it exactly right, where I would have 8:00 AM labs every morning but also somehow no time to eat lunch.” Although the Arts…

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Guy Wearing “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” Shirt Definitely Didn’t Need to Clarify

DUFFIELD HALL—Last week, Bruce Reid ‘26, a Cornell mechanical engineering student, proudly sported his “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” shirt around campus. However, Reid’s peers claim that they didn’t require his extra clarification to figure out his major. “Oftentimes, images portray an idea better than words,” said Jabari White ‘25, who saw…

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