LINDEN AVE—Every weekend closest to St. Paddy’s Day, the student body takes to the streets to drink, party, drink, and drink some more. The resulting mix of vomit, alcohol, and the odd spray of urine creates a muddy sludge that would repulse the average sober person. However, this same sludge has proven irresistible to the…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The Slope Day Programming Board has announced esteemed New York Times crossword clue Rita Ora will headline Slope Day. The vowel-heavy, classic three letter last name singer-songwriter will be welcomed to campus by puzzle aficionados and mini crossword lovers alike. With hits such as “Rita of pop music” or “British feature on Iggy…
COCKTAIL LOUNGE— While most students are struggling to keep up at this point in the semester, Kenzie Arnett ‘26 is managing the pressure of demanding academics with poise and grace. She has it all: a little white iPad with color coded notes, a color coded GCal, and a moodboard for her Punta Cana spring break…
URIS HALL—A new Cornell Daily Sun column entitled “Abstinence on Mondays” is facing intense backlash from Cornell Republicans. The conservative group has called the column offensive to individuals (such as themselves) who practice abstinence daily. Cornell Republicans Vice President Simon Beck ’26, who has not touched a woman in many, many moons, released a statement…
MORRISON DINING—A boisterous bunch of men clad in red demonstrated their considerable appetites in Morrison Monday night, eyewitnesses report. These towering, well-built young athletes flooded the dining hall after release from their respective practices in droves large enough to increase the median height of the Morrison diner by a whopping four inches. Observers described their…
TEMPLE OF ZEUS—After airballing an easy shot at one of the marble benches, Junior Varsity Zeus Patron Luka D’Angelo ‘28 was once again relegated to the bench. “Fuck, dude,” grumbled the frustrated freshman, parting a curtain of his bustling competitors to stalk off the court. Having reached his familiar haunt—a particularly uncomfortable wooden bench in…
COLLEGETOWN—Ithaca winter weather brings plummeting temperatures and gale-force winds, making a meager 32 degrees feel like sub-zero. The temperature alone is enough to dishearten even the most ardent winter enthusiasts. However, there is but one force stronger than the most biting chill of a Cornell February, inextinguishable by the elements, that scarcely dims in the…
DUFFIELD HALL—After countless rounds of insufferable coffee chats, campus consulting clubs finally sifted through their applications and hand-picked the candidates with the brightest future in the donut industry to join their exclusive organization. Recruitment Director Donna Baker ‘26 shed some light on the deliberation process: “The applications of any tasteless fools who prefer bagels to…
CENTRAL CAMPUS–Amid President Donald Trump’s virulent nationwide campaign against policies favoring Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, a surprising group of students have elected to take a stand, accepting Dylan Hanson ’26 into their ranks. “We normally hold our members to extraordinarily high standards,” stated Cornell Republican spokesperson Andrew Baskin ‘25. “They must simultaneously claim to be…
STATLER HALL—”If you love something, set it free,” so the proverb goes, and so went the freshly downloaded student-made app from Kaya Weismann ‘27’s homescreen into the abyss. According to Weismann, it all began when leaving Statler Library after a few hours of studying. “That was when I saw them. They were breathtaking. It was…
