Student Life

Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

Nooz Staff6 months ago6 months ago03 mins

ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…

“Hi, Mind If We Ask You a Quick Question?” Admitted Student’s Family Member Somehow Inside of Your Room

Nooz Staff6 months ago6 months ago02 mins

MORRISON HALL—As admitted students excitedly rove around campus, eager to learn more about their future home of four years, their families are left with nothing to do except pester the innocent passersby with unanswerable questions. These family members are dedicated to their pursuit, stopping current students anywhere they possibly can, at any and all hours…

Very Hungry Friend Sets Up Hammock Vertically, Does Not Emerge

Nooz Staff7 months ago7 months ago03 mins

LIBE SLOPE—Excited to roleplay as the happy college students from their favorite promotional materials and stock photos, Cornellians took to the Arts Quad and Libe Slope en masse this week to enjoy the sunny weather. Yet one student with an unusually enormous appetite seems to prefer the comfort of an enclosed space, even in the…

Local Deviant Rolls in Mud Alone, Unprovoked

Nooz Staff8 months ago8 months ago02 mins

LINDEN AVE—Every weekend closest to St. Paddy’s Day, the student body takes to the streets to drink, party, drink, and drink some more. The resulting mix of vomit, alcohol, and the odd spray of urine creates a muddy sludge that would repulse the average sober person. However, this same sludge has proven irresistible to the…

Esteemed NYT Crossword Clue Rita Ora to Headline Slope Day

Nooz Staff8 months ago8 months ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The Slope Day Programming Board has announced esteemed New York Times crossword clue Rita Ora will headline Slope Day. The vowel-heavy, classic three letter last name singer-songwriter will be welcomed to campus by puzzle aficionados and mini crossword lovers alike. With hits such as “Rita of pop music” or “British feature on Iggy…

Student’s Life Not as Put Together as iPad with Little Stylus Implies

Nooz Staff8 months ago8 months ago03 mins

COCKTAIL LOUNGE— While most students are struggling to keep up at this point in the semester, Kenzie Arnett ‘26 is managing the pressure of demanding academics with poise and grace. She has it all: a little white iPad with color coded notes, a color coded GCal, and a moodboard for her Punta Cana spring break…

New Sun Column “Abstinence on Mondays” Facing Backlash From Cornell Republicans Who Practice Abstinence Daily

Nooz Staff8 months ago8 months ago03 mins

URIS HALL—A new Cornell Daily Sun column entitled “Abstinence on Mondays” is facing intense backlash from Cornell Republicans. The conservative group has called the column offensive to individuals (such as themselves) who practice abstinence daily. Cornell Republicans Vice President Simon Beck ’26, who has not touched a woman in many, many moons, released a statement…

Whoa, Buster! Bundle of Big Sporty Fellows in Dining Hall Sure Are Hungry

Nooz Staff8 months ago8 months ago03 mins

MORRISON DINING—A boisterous bunch of men clad in red demonstrated their considerable appetites in Morrison Monday night, eyewitnesses report. These towering, well-built young athletes flooded the dining hall after release from their respective practices in droves large enough to increase the median height of the Morrison diner by a whopping four inches. Observers described their…

“Put Me In, Coach!” Zeus Patron Benched

Nooz Staff8 months ago8 months ago04 mins

TEMPLE OF ZEUS—After airballing an easy shot at one of the marble benches, Junior Varsity Zeus Patron Luka D’Angelo ‘28 was once again relegated to the bench. “Fuck, dude,” grumbled the frustrated freshman, parting a curtain of his bustling competitors to stalk off the court. Having reached his familiar haunt—a particularly uncomfortable wooden bench in…

Girls Night! Gaggle of Amorphous Puffer Jackets Mobilizes Toward Level B

Nooz Staff8 months ago8 months ago03 mins

COLLEGETOWN—Ithaca winter weather brings plummeting temperatures and gale-force winds, making a meager 32 degrees feel like sub-zero. The temperature alone is enough to dishearten even the most ardent winter enthusiasts. However, there is but one force stronger than the most biting chill of a Cornell February, inextinguishable by the elements, that scarcely dims in the…

Cornell Announces “Raw Chicken Wednesdays” to Slim Down Large Freshman Class

Americans Defeat Fascism by Putting On Greatest Talent Show This Nation Has Ever Seen

Mamdani Debates Cuomo As World War I Flying Ace Curtis Sliwa Dogfights Infamous Red Baron

Pre-Annotated Library Book Tells Student Exactly What Important

Professor Getting All Excited About Life’s Work Again

Cornell Health Boasts Selective 2% Acceptance Rate for 2025 Appointment Cycle

Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

“Hi, Mind If We Ask You a Quick Question?” Admitted Student’s Family Member Somehow Inside of Your Room

Very Hungry Friend Sets Up Hammock Vertically, Does Not Emerge

Local Deviant Rolls in Mud Alone, Unprovoked

Esteemed NYT Crossword Clue Rita Ora to Headline Slope Day

Student’s Life Not as Put Together as iPad with Little Stylus Implies

New Sun Column “Abstinence on Mondays” Facing Backlash From Cornell Republicans Who Practice Abstinence Daily

Whoa, Buster! Bundle of Big Sporty Fellows in Dining Hall Sure Are Hungry

“Put Me In, Coach!” Zeus Patron Benched

Girls Night! Gaggle of Amorphous Puffer Jackets Mobilizes Toward Level B