COLLEGETOWN—Every Halloweekend, even the most loyal of friend groups must inevitably reckon with the ultimate trial: picking a fair group costume. This Hallows’ Eve, Kendall Lin ‘27 and her friends were no exception to this timeless tradition of friendship-ruining decisions. “So, Jenna will be Tinker Bell the Tinker Fairy, I’ll be Silvermist the Water Fairy,…
NORTH CAMPUS—Excitement is in the air as students across campus eagerly await Halloween and solidify their weekend plans. As is tradition, the fractured remains of freshman friend groups will once again unite to form the tried-and-true group costume. However, the tedious process of delegating roles within a group costume is often likened to a Sisyphean…
LYNAH RINK—Following a not-so-miracle-on-ice defeat at the hands of Big Red Hockey, local Buffalo officials have reported that several suspicious yet polite-looking men in flannel were seen attempting to cross back into Canada. When questioned, the men claimed to be a part of a mysterious organization, identified only as the “University of Toronto.” “JOSH RILEY’S…
BAILEY HALL—Conservative commentator and host of the Daily Wire Ben Shapiro was spotted on campus this morning preparing for tonight’s speaker event. While left-wing students prepare for his audacious and rapid-fire debating style, they might not expect his rumored secret weapon: consuming motor oil. “I first learned about this technique while rapping,” squealed Shapiro last…
COLLEGE OF VETERINARY MEDICINE—Students were able to get their seasonal flu shots free of charge this year at a variety of sites on campus. Unfortunately, it seems like some individuals who received their vaccine at the College of Veterinary Medicine are suffering from an unintended side effect: neighing like a horse on anabolic steroids. Carlton…
URIS HALL–Model UN president Jorge Melendez ‘25 was booed out of Uris Hall Auditorium by nearly 200 Live Action Role-Play (LARP) Participants, also known as this year’s Cornell International Affairs Conference (CIAC) members. In a shocking moment of self-awareness, Melendez confessed: “I Realize This Is, in Some Sense, Theater.” Earlier in the conference, Melendez discussed…
LIBE SLOPE—As the leaves turn golden brown and the sun starts setting lower and lower, many Cornellians herald the change to fall with sweaters and long-sleeve shirts. Yet, for local dumbass Frank Dylan ‘27, it seems that winter is already here. Reports indicate that the clueless idiot was spotted climbing the slope in a thick…
ARTS QUAD—A casual freshman friend group jaunt to class was interrupted by a mid-Wednesday morning tragedy when Eli Golden ’28 was taken out by a terrifying mob of overly cheery, short-short clad monsters. Despite Lily Shamus ’28 shouting at the group to “scatter,” Eli’s poor reaction times, unathletic nature, and propensity for untied shoelaces made…
As a native son of Western New York, I did not get much exposure to Jewish cuisine (or people) before I came to Cornell. But I’ve visited 104West! dining hall several times since I started living around the corner, and I have met many friends there. I’m very grateful for this opportunity to broaden my…
Last Thursday on X (formerly Twitter), Marjorie Taylor Greene, a House Republican from Georgia, doubled down on her claims of a shadowy “they” capable of “[controlling] the weather.” This assertion comes in the wake of Hurricane Helene, which left a path of destruction across the southeast; Hurricane Milton, which was upgraded to a category five…
