COLLEGETOWN — The Ithaca Mob has forced the closure of yet another one of Collegetown’s celebrated restaurants, Stella’s Cafe. “Mob bosses have been very active recently in trying to shut down anywhere fun or tasteful in the Ithaca area,” said Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner. “It’s just a shame that Stella’s was next on their…
WEST CAMPUS—After feeling ill at ease for close to a week, area student Maya Yuan ‘23 realized with a start that the unfamiliar emotions she was experiencing may be attributable to hope. “Things have been weird lately,” said Yuan, her eyes darting restlessly around the room. “The weather is getting nicer, all my friends and…
You’ve changed. You used to be cool, detached, stoic—cold, even—and that’s what I fell in love with when that first snowflake touched my tongue. But now you’re giving me a warmth that I’m not used to, and it’s like I don’t even know you anymore. So what I’m trying to say is, it’s not really…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD — As the Big Red finally achieved their first victory of the season, hundreds of fans suddenly found themselves confused, without any intuition of how to act after Cornell defeated the Columbia Lions 3-0 on Saturday. “‘Win?’ What does this word mean?” pondered Stacy Danforth ’19, who, upon the football team’s triumph, began…
William Keeton House— Sources say that North Campus resident Sally Jacobs ’18 has been spending a concerning amount of time with Johnny Wilson ’17 who lives in Keeton House on Cornell’s West Campus. “Guys like that are scum, they’re all rats. Everybody knows he’s only after one thing,” said Jacobs’ best friend Tammy Carr ’18…
GOLDWIN SMITH—After a vigorous year-long application process, Cornell’s prestigious Campus Procrastination Club (CPC) has selected their Executive Board for the Fall 2021 semester. “Look, it just got out of hand,” explained outgoing President Patrick Lenbrooke ‘22. “We initially planned for and announced a three-week application process that started in May of 2021. But then the…
KENNEDY HALL—BIOEE 1780 lecture was cut short yesterday afternoon after a series of peculiar events transpired in the lecture hall. Students streamed out in near silence, stunned at what they had witnessed: a large anthropomorphized sea bass, throbbing and thrashing on stage after being thrown by Felix Ichthyus ‘26 from the third row. When asked…
TOMPKINS COUNTY — Gerry the Ithaca weather monster is announcing his retirement after he tried all year to build up massive amounts of snow to dump on students and residents in the greater Tompkins County region, only to see all his hard work melted by man-made global warming. “I’m done. I can’t stand it,” Gerry…
HUNTINGTON, NY—Following her first steps into the “real world” making life-altering decisions like where to work or where to live, Justina Alvaro ’20 was faced with her most difficult choice yet: whether to ask her Facebook friends to celebrate her accomplishments or feel bad for her. “I know, whatever I choose, that this will be…
HO PLAZA—Hundreds of admitted students accepted to the class of 2028 flooded Ithaca last week for admitted students weekend, hoping to get a real sense of student life, academic workload, and average student hotness. But unfortunately for them, as the “Freedom of Expression” theme year incites discussion of robust free speech and academic liberty across…
