STATLER HALL–In a state of heart-pounding distress, School of Hotel Administration sophomore Franklin Terkinler ‘24 Googled the ingredients necessary to make a cobb salad in order to create flashcards for his upcoming prelim in HADM 4320: Contemporary Healthy Foods. “After I stupidly identified couscous as quinoa this past prelim, I really need to do well…
COLLEGETOWN — Following Cornell’s loss to Dartmouth, ending their streak as the top Ivy League football team, fans no longer feel committed to their weekly Google search to check the game results. “I got a whole lot more involved in the football scene this semester than I have in past seasons,” said Amy Nodir ‘18,…
NORTH CAMPUS—Following fifteen days of relying on her newfound mentor for advice and guidance, Alexis Li ‘21 reportedly still hasn’t realized the knowledgeable student she always sees around North also first arrived on campus one month ago. “Ever since we met at Nasties, which is a popular upperclassman spot, the Dan Man has made me…
MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls in her class. “I really…
BIOTECHNOLOGY BUILDING- Responding to claims that the student body and general public have a lack of insight into Cornell’s financial operations, President David Skorton told attendees of Monday’s Town Hall Meeting that the University will take steps toward greater financial translucency. “I understand that in an institution of our size, with a lot of red…
DAY HALL — After being pressed on investigations of poor working conditions of personnel at Weill Cornell Medicine in Qatar, the administration revealed that workers at the Doha facility are “Yeah – what? Oh no yeah they’re fine.” Student activist groups’ continued call for an external infrastructure to prevent the discharge and deportation of migrant…
DAY HALL—In top Universities across the nation, the crisis in the Middle East has divided student bodies and swept headlines. In a speech Monday, President Martha Pollack addressed the campus protest emblematic of the University’s rising tensions with the spirit of a true leader. “La la la, I can’t hear you!” exclaimed President Pollack with…
ITHACA, NY-The 11:00am rush at the Trillium food court is a scene well known to the student body, rife with eager students clamoring to fit a meal into their busy schedules. But this Tuesday, simple impatience unraveled into environmental catastrophe, when Duncan McMahon ’15 maliciously and intentionally threw his compostable spoon into the recycling bin with the rest…
Following the Supreme Court decision this past Friday legalizing gay marriage in all 50 states, honor student Timothy Adler ’17 and notorious bad-boy Bradley announced their intention to get engaged, much to the chagrin of Adler’s mom. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m very accepting of my son and I’m thrilled about the SCOTUS decision that…
GOLDEN CORRAL– This Tuesday, senior Mosby Singer sat alone in Golden Corral’s All-You-Can-Eat-Restaurant-And-Grill (just a short hour and a half ride to the nearest location in Syracuse), nibbling on a “golden delicious shrimp” and crying his eyes out. “I can’t believe I’m alone on Valentine’s Day,” sobbed Singer, seemingly completely unaware that he chose to…
