MORRISON DINING – In a shocking turn of events, Morrison Dining, renowned for its 30-minute wait times and fishtank-like appearance, has found itself in dire financial straits after reportedly squandering half of its annual budget on industrial-grade Windex. “These windows are the most earth-shattering financial drain I’ve seen in my entire career,” lamented Morrison financial…
HO PLAZA- In response to the recent fighting in Israel’s Gaza Strip, students from campus organizations CIPAC (Cornell Israel Public Affairs Committee), J Street, and SJP (Student for Justice in Palestine) held organized rallies on an otherwise empty Ho Plaza Tuesday. “We think it’s really important that students be informed about what’s going on in…
GANNETT- Sources are reporting that a small handful of students are still angry with the University administration about the implementation of a $350 health fee that enraged campus only weeks ago. “Oh yeah, the whole health fee thing! It feels like that was so long ago,” recalled junior Rebecca Hardy, who herself was among the…
WEST CAMPUS— In an effort to reduce uncertainty over who is and is not allowed in their secret spaces, Cornell’s secret societies have engaged in a mass mailing campaign to inform the children of normies that they were not chosen to join their groups. “We have noticed an uptick in the confidence of the unfortunate…
STATLER HALL— After spending his entire 10:10 class waiting in a digital queue to get mezzanine seat 18E for Eric Andre’s upcoming show, Ben Kilbourne ‘21 reportedly “won’t shut the fuck up” about his sucessful purchase of single ticket. “All these losers are posting on Facebook about how they missed out, and they pathetically offered…
ITHACA, NY- Crossing between the statues of Ezra Cornell and A.D White, on a date with Tami Carr ’15 Saturday evening, Louis Owens 16’ was surprised to see the two statues stand up, stroll towards one another, and shake hands in the middle of the arts quad. “This is ridiculous” Owens reportedly stated with a…
Listen, Cornell, these past eight years have been great. I mean, like, really great. But I just feel like we’re going in circles. Right now I’m looking for someone who can help me grow, and grow with me, someone like…oh, I don’t know, an official United States museum network. It’s the same thing every year,…
I’m glad I have your attention. I’ve looked everywhere without any luck, and I could really use your help. Is there any chance you have my club’s Facebook page password? We created our Facebook page awhile back in the hopes that it would be a good way to gain exposure. But after a few months…
Hey guys, you having a party here? Can I see some ID’s? Thank you. Everybody over 21 in here? Glad to hear it. We’ve been getting some noise complaints from this house, so I’m going to have to ask you to turn down the volume on the music. I’m not trying to be the bad…
SOMEWHERE IN THE BAHAMAS—After citing an excessive influx of emails full of trivial complaints, Ithaca landlords stated that they will continue their $80 million heist in plain sight and there’s nothing you can do about it. “I do occasionally get questioned by tenants who demand to know dumb stuff like why they haven’t gotten their…
