Terms of the agreement: Clause I: Carnelian Red MAGA hats to be sold at Cornell Store Clause III: Kotlikoff must trade blue Fruit Roll-Up for banana left in bottom of Trump’s lunch box Clause VI: Touchdown the Bear required to assist in ICE arrests Clause VIII: All University Communications will henceforth and From Now On…
WEST CAMPUS— At this Saturday night’s Mu Alpha Nu party, Conrad Squid experienced a humiliating rite of passage for all Cornell freshmen males. After the usual chorus of “who do you know here bro?” “Name five brothers” and “Not tonight man” had subsided, the brother on door, Brandon Vines ’24 did something completely unexpected. “Thank…
Daniel Stone, a freshman planning to major in economics, reportedly missed his opportunity to enroll in Introductory Microeconomics for the Spring 2015 semester during freshman course enroll. As a result, Stone’s faculty advisor has informed him that he will never be able to earn his undergraduate degree. “I don’t understand how it happened,” said the…
MIDTOWN MANHATTAN — Hoping to remind his fellow interns of his intellectual superiority, Cornell rising Sophomore Danny Harris dropped his fourth hint of the day that he goes to Cornell University while working at startup this summer. Harris, who is currently in the process of transferring from ILR to AEM, was heard telling people that…
With the month of December fast approaching, construction on Gates Hall, Cornell’s new computer science building, is coming to a close. Bill Gates, after whom the new building is named, has been working hard and tirelessly on the project since its inception early last year, and is glad to see it finally completed after all…
KENNEDY HALL- Following an entire year of taking introductory classes for the eventual B.S. degree, Comm major Samantha Booker ’17 admitted that at this point in her collegiate career she still is unaware of what ‘Comm’ stands for. “Computers? Community? Combative training? I really don’t know, and these classes aren’t giving me any hints,” complained…
In what school officials are describing as “an unparalleled crisis,” Cornell University has run out of unique email addresses to assign to its students and faculty. “This is not something we were anticipating,” admitted university CIO Ted Dodds. “But we have all hands on deck working around the clock to find a feasible remedy.” Since…
SHOPS AT ITHACA MALL- Mayor Svante Myrick visited Target with his mother this afternoon to buy Valentine’s Day cards for every resident in the City of Ithaca. “Look, mom! Frozen!” said Myrick, pointing at the box of Frozen themed cards in Target’s Valentine’s Day aisle. Myrick added that “everyone in [his] city loves Frozen” and…
ITHACA, NY—Navigating Ithaca can be difficult. From long bus rides to even longer walks, the city isn’t as accessible as many students desire. Luckily, you’re bound to meet at least one person who brought their car to campus–all you have to do is befriend them. Maria Gomez ‘28 is a proud car owner, but insists…
DAY HALL – After a night of intense partying, President Elizabeth Garrett woke up this morning with both a massive hangover and immense regret from drunkenly ordering a new academic building to be constructed on campus. “I don’t even remember buying a new building, but I got an email confirmation that I did at 2:30AM…
