TRILLIUM— After observing lines of dejected students struggling to adapt to the new self-serve salad station at Trillium, former salad tosser Rita Jenkins finally felt appreciated for her lunch-assembling expertise. “Students shouldn’t feel so frustrated when trying to serve themselves for the first time,” commented the seasoned craftsman. “Everyone knows that using plastic tongs to…
ITHACA WASTE LAND, NY -In a statement issued to the press from the dark corner of the Chapter House, David Skorton warned students to prepare themselves for the winter storm expected to continue through Thursday. Having initially called attention to himself through a sordid laugh, the President warned the Cornell community, “Storm’s coming. I hope…
DANBURY, CT—After decades on the run, Cornell’s Andrew D. White Professor-At-Large was located and taken into police custody earlier this morning. The disgraced ex–faculty member, formerly known as Dr. Robert LeRoy, was forced from his position after a fierce parking dispute and went on the lam in 1965. Later that year, the vengeful Board of…
LIBE SLOPE—As of 3 a.m. Eastern Standard Time on May 5, 2025, construction workers on West and Central Campus have declared a unilateral “Special Construction Operation” on Libe Slope. Foreman Vladimir Smith gave an address to the construction workers at McGraw Clocktower, announcing his intentions to move infrastructure across the border of Libe Slope, in…
DYSON—Cornell University’s business fraternities are in a state of totality after a stunning revelation has upended their very world. It all began Monday morning when during a recruiting call with Morgan Stanley, the moderator Kaity Moleeto ‘17 revealed that she had first been drawn to investment banking when a classmate in her financial accounting course…
ITHACA, NY – According to a report released by MomsRising today, it is officially too late to buy a card and send it home for Mother’s Day. The report goes on to say that even though the post office is open on Sundays, cards still cannot make it in time. Students on campus are shocked…
PHYSICAL SCIENCES BUILDING—After having spent three months last year studying Intro Physics and receiving a B in the class, Undergraduate TA Chet Fairweather ’19 demonstrated his physics expertise by actually helping a student. “I normally send people with questions directly to the more experienced grad TAs or the professor, and that’s pretty much my role…
WEST CAMPUS — Known for employing unique initiation rituals that date back to Medieval Europe, brothers of Sigma Zeta Delta are reportedly renovating the house dungeon to comply with New York State hazing laws in preparation for this season’s pledge class. “The state legislatures mandate we remove the rust from all the pokers, chains and…
MALOTT HALL—Last Thursday, Tiffany Emmanuel ‘24 was disappointed to discover that she received a dismal grade on her latest statistics homework, but was even more upset when she realized that the possibly romantic comment her professor left on her assignment probably also appeared on the papers of the other girls in her class. “I really…
BAILEY HALL – On Saturday, Slope Day organizers aimed to distract the Cornell community from the recent student housing catastrophe by revealing the long-awaited Slope Day Lineup. However, this announcement was received poorly by some community members, who viewed the organizers’ decision to bring Flo Rida of “My House” fame to campus as a cruel…
