BUILDER BASE—In what would appear to be the second clan-related controversy of his tenure, Interim President Michael Kotlikoff announced Thursday that the Cornell administration would NOT be gemming McGraw Tower’s level 10 upgrade. “I understand students’ frustration,” said Kotlikoff. “McGraw Tower is an iconic landmark, and these upgrade times are disheartening. However, I would remind…
ITHACA—After investigation into the racial slurs and violent assault that occurred last Friday, officials concluded that the hate crime bigot was simply in the wrong place and in the wrong era of United States history. “Sometimes one thing leads to another and things escalate,” suggested one witness of the atrocity. “This guy’s probably just busted…
WASHINGTON D.C.—The actions of the Trump administration have left many federal workers confused and anxious about their futures. With previously indispensable positions being eliminated left and right, even those in seemingly stable fields have started to worry. For the first time, Andy Galeano of the Department of Job Stability and Secure Income has started to…
BARTON HALL—Recently appointed Cornell Hunger Relief officer Mandy Jackson ‘24 made waves at the club fair with a slap heard ‘round the Barton hall track, after victim Matt Long ‘27 tried to grab a coveted pack of Reese’s Pieces. He recounted the harrowing experience, “Ya it was crazy, I was just following my usual club…
DAY HALL—After pulling an all-nighter and taking two prelims this week, the exhausted University has decided to just cancel class because it didn’t do the reading. “Usually I just squeeze out some state-of-the-art bullshit for participation credit, but fuck it—I’m so done with this semester,” said the University while getting ready to go out for…
Collegetown is one of the biggest perks of spending 4 years above Cayuga’s Waters, offering incredibly diverse culinary experiences. We sent a writer out to determine, once and for all, which eatery is the true champion of the hungry student. CTB: Absolute let down. I was so excited to try the place EVERYONE talks about,…
COLLEGETOWN—According to underclassmen members of the Cornell Water Polo team, president Brian Mach ’21 has “totally checked the fuck out” and is in “major ghost mode” as he approaches graduation and the end of his four long years at Cornell. Members began to complain to each other following a practice wherein Mach led drills while…
ROSE HALL—Family Weekend is traditionally characterized as an opportunity for parents to learn about their children’s lives at Cornell, for students to hide their stashes of illicit substances, and for dining hall workers to clean up unusually messy tables. However, for Katherine Booker ‘27 and her recently divorced father Mark Booker, this family weekend was…
COLLEGETOWN—In the era of cinematic universes and album series, it can be difficult to find an attraction that is a standalone, original body of work. Each week it would seem a new follow-up to something emerges onto the scene and staying in the loop has only become more challenging. Franchises have dominated our culture, from…
ITHACA, NY- After a rigorous inspection, the City of Ithaca Health Department is mandating that Level B change it’s name to Level C, citing “serious health concerns.” “We don’t want to deceive the Ithaca public into a false sense of security,” said Bob Palmer, one of Ithaca’s foremost health inspectors. “People should know what they’re…
