DYSON SCHOOL OF APPLIED ECONOMICS AND MANAGEMENT—On Thursday evening, University President Martha Pollack announced in an email that Cornell alum Lucifer the Prince of Darkness ‘09 will be speaking on topics in economics this semester. “Lucie is a dear friend of mine and of many other members of the Cornell community,” wrote Pollack. “His Darkness…
DYSON—Cornell University’s business fraternities are in a state of totality after a stunning revelation has upended their very world. It all began Monday morning when during a recruiting call with Morgan Stanley, the moderator Kaity Moleeto ‘17 revealed that she had first been drawn to investment banking when a classmate in her financial accounting course…
MANN LIBRARY- Students across campus have been hard at work preparing for the upcoming prelim in GOVT 4330: Intro to ‘House of Cards,’ oftentimes spending many consecutive hours watching the most recent season of the Netflix original drama. “I’ve been so busy this week with all my classes. I had to watch six episodes of…
OLIN LIBRARY—Jess Maza ‘23’s run in with a first semester class acquaintance this Friday spiralled into a conversational disaster when a brief recap of winter break started to look like an in-depth discussion of the acquaintance’s new sorority. Maza should have realized what was happening after Michelle Clark ‘23 removed her jacket revealing a long…
OKENSHIELDS—An analysis released Tuesday found that scant traces of protein exist in the chicken stir fry served at Okenshields. “We believe the protein compounds discovered in the sample are of avian origin, perhaps chicken.” said Food Science Lab Director Hans Kuiken. “However, we can’t determine the precise composition of the proteins due to their relative…
COLLEGETOWN—As Ithaca faces one of its coldest winters in recent history with temperatures reaching terrible numbers such as 2, or in some cases 1, many are opting to spend their nights indoors. Even the most winter-hardened students who hail from the chilly north have surrendered to the frigid weather, and the once bustling and vibrant…
RUSSELL SENATE OFFICE BUILDING—Following Sonia Sotomayor’s absence from the Supreme Court to speak at Cornell, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has been frantically attempting to push through a new judicial confirmation before the Associate Justice returns on Friday. “The American people elected this President and this Congress to appoint conservatives to every Supreme Court vacancy,…
BAKER LAB—A review by Cornell chemistry faculty revealed that only 23% of the department’s stringent safety protocols would be in place were it not for noted buffoon Greg ‘07. “Without Greg, Cornell chemistry would look dramatically different—well, better—than it does now,” said lead author Professor Sasha Williamson. “He was a true trailblazer. By that, I…
VATICAN CITY—Pope Francis remains in critically awesome condition, according to Holy See officials. “On February 14, His Holiness was admitted to Rome’s Gemelli Hospital for complications resulting from a gnarly wipeout,” said Vatican spokesman Matteo Bruni. “We pray that he recovers as quickly as his nimble board grinds down the railings of St. Peter’s Basilica.”…
URIS LIBRARY—While working on renovations in Uris Library’s Cocktail Lounge, construction workers have been flagrantly disregarding the “Whisper Zone” signs located throughout the study area. “They’re just so inconsiderate. How am I supposed to watch Netflix or snap my brothers when the jackhammers and table saws are exceeding the level of a gentle whisper?” complained…
