As a proud Cornell student and responsible youth, I care about crime. Stealing is mean and I would certainly not do it. People break into people’s rooms and that is scary because if it could happen to them, it could happen to me, and I do not want that to happen to me. Perhaps hiding…
COLLEGETOWN– As Julian Herbert ‘24 was told to inhale nitrous oxide from a cylinder this Friday, he began feeling suspicious when it dawned on him that despite being called “Greek” life, nobody at the pledge event had even mentioned Greek mythology. The Classics major had excitedly signed his bid last week, eager to start talking…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—House Speaker Nancy Pelosi addressed the nation regarding the end of the government shutdown, stating that it came as a result of the 1’ by 2’ sheet of craft paper reading “No Ban, No Wall, Sanctuary For All” in a corner window of Cornell’s own Comparative Literature Department. “Overcoming the gridlock and division…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD–The world of low-performance sports was rocked this Friday when a coalition of five she-bears announced that they had each given birth to one of Touchdown’s cubs this past breeding season. “While students think of Touchdown as cute and cuddly, this teddy bear gave my clients more than just a bear hug,” alleged the…
RPCC – According to reports trickling in from North Campus residents, total loser Nicholas Sarpinsky ‘20 was seen eating his dinner at RPCC all by himself again. “I’m tired of these lonely social sadsacks taking our table all for themselves,” said Sam Losey ‘20, a member of the Donlon 4 hallway group, who regularly patronize…
DAY HALL – In response to a major push at Cornell toward forming the first graduate student union in the school’s history, Interim President Hunter Rawlings III sent an email out earlier today warning the university that unionizing would offer Masters and PhD students a brief glimmer of hope and happiness unseen since beginning their…
DAY HALL—After pulling an all-nighter and taking two prelims this week, the exhausted University has decided to just cancel class because it didn’t do the reading. “Usually I just squeeze out some state-of-the-art bullshit for participation credit, but fuck it—I’m so done with this semester,” said the University while getting ready to go out for…
CASCADILLA HALL—Each year, campus-wide dormitory fire inspections protect students against the threat of space heaters, extension cords, and freestanding microwave ovens. This year, however, dutiful Ithaca fire marshals have been met with a new challenge—asbestos removal notifications. According to Acting Fire Chief Samuel Smiley, local fire code mandates that no more than ten percent of…
The National Weather Service has issued a severe weather warning to residents of Tompkins county due to high chances of what the fuck. Meteorologists say that during the coming days there is an 80% chance of bullshit, with a strong god dammit coming from the north at 12 mph. Temperatures will drop as low as…
DAY HALL—Your plans to do summer research on campus? Take it back now y’all. Due to the voters not sliding to the left, but to the right now, cuts to federal research funding and taxing on endowment payments have prompted a hiring pause at Cornell University. The directive also emphasized the need to criss cross…
