ALPHA BETA GAMMA — Hello! Me name Dylan Williams. Dylan like go party and drink lots, have good time. Is there party now? Dylan want party now! We go party soon, so Dylan have fun with different people than normal. Drinking at party good for Dylan, and Dylan very happy. Maybe Dylan even do handstand…
MCGRAW TOWER—Despite hoping for a fresh-faced, clean-toothed summer, McGraw Tower ‘1891 recently discovered it must spend Slope Day with its headgear still intact. This news came as a shock to the Cornell community, who now had no choice but to see the clocktower as a massive geek. According to Orthodontist John Stern, Tower possesses “teeth…
AG QUAD – College of Agriculture and Life Sciences Dean Kathryn J. Boor held a ceremony marking the opening of the Tyson Foods Slaughterhouse in the center of the Agriculture Quad. “Much like the Physics Department’s use of the Synchrotron or the Hotel School’s use of the Statler, we want to offer our students the…
LYNAH RINK—When Charlie Yu ‘26 bought his ticket to the 2023 Cornell-Harvard men’s ice hockey game, he didn’t realize how much of a commitment it would be. But two days after the game’s conclusion, the stands remained empty save for the lone sophomore’s silent vigil as he waited for the perfect conditions to toss his…
BETHE DINING HALL—Following weeks of anticipation over what form the university’s meal plan rebate would take, Cornell Dining unveiled a grotesque 24-hour all-you-can-eat marathon food bonanza. “We are offering enough food to cover half a semester’s meal plan: buckets of sun-dried tomato pasta, seasoned black beans in a tub, and roasted peppers,” said a sweating…
The Cornell University Class of 2024 are the only undergraduate students on campus old enough to remember being kicked out of their dorms due to the pandemic, let back in again, kicked off again, and then let back in again, and finally kicked off one final time. Any proper senior send-off allows graduating students to…
MAMARONECK, NY—Thad McQuaid ‘20 recently expressed profound sadness that the first scorching of his oppressively pasty skin happened at home in Westchester, and not on the Arts Quad back in Ithaca. “It just sucks, bro,” McQuaid explained tearfully. “Every year my boys and I would wait for the first nice day of spring and spend…
This article was sponsored by EzraBox, a student peer-to-peer storage startup that helps find affordable and easy storage options for summer. It’s almost time for summer break, which means students all over campus are looking for a place to store their belongings in a place where my inconsiderate roommate Nick won’t be able to touch…
URIS LIBRARY – Students were temporarily distracted from studying when a loud thud echoed through the cocktail lounge today, taking their focus away from prelims for about ten seconds. “What was that?” mumbled Kerry Thomas ’18 to herself, who was finishing a problem set for her physics class at the time of the incident. Thomas…
March is a slow time of the year, with the weather still cold and overcast and spring still far off. Take a look at CU Nooz’s suggestions of how to spend your time in March. The Commons has lots of cool events going on but you won’t go to any of them. Go to class….
