NEW YORK CITY–Last Monday, Shelby Lawrence ‘21 began her first day at her entry-level job as a Coffee Gofer at Morgan Stanley and was met with an unwelcome surprise: without having completed Cornell’s mandatory swim test due to COVID-19 cancellations, she was completely in over her head! “At first I thought it was the two…
DAY HALL—In a press conference this Tuesday, University President Martha Pollack refused to guarantee a peaceful shutdown of in-person learning if Governor Andrew Cuomo says COVID cases exceed the maximum limit. “Well, we’ll have to see what happens,” said a defiant Pollack. “You know, I always say there’s a problem with how they count cases….
ITHACA, NY – Various sources from the Engineering Quad have noted that Jared Wasserman, a sophomore computer science major with a 1.7 GPA, prefers group projects over any other type of class evaluation, yet can’t put his finger on precisely why. “You know, I just am not sure what it is. It might be the flexibility…
DUFFIELD HALL—Having returned for the University’s Homecoming, alumnus Todd Bauer ‘20 found himself visiting some of his old haunts. He eventually arrived at Duffield Hall, where he gazed yearningly at the place where he had experienced some of the absolute lowest points of his life. “Wow, I’ve really missed this place! It hasn’t changed a…
OLIN HALL—Citing several student accounts of an odd, viscous substance slowly flowing towards Ho Plaza and Campus Road, the Cornell University Police Department has announced that there is clearly something strange oozing out of Olin Hall. “We’ve received numerous reports indicating that a bright green fluid has been spilling out of the cracks and doorways…
After evaluating the many lucrative opportunities available to AEM majors, Dyson School freshman Jessica Stern decided it was time to let Goldman Sachs know she was ready to intern over the summer at the Wall Street conglomerate. While Goldman has a strict policy against allowing inexperienced freshmen to intern for them, Jessica believes the skills…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Before answering a question proposed by his professor, freshman John Higgins ‘23 boldly implied to everyone in the room that he had actually done the required readings for class that day and that he was completely ready to deliver an adequate response. “I really just wanted to clarify that I had done the…
WEST CAMPUS– In a move that will be celebrated by seven-year-olds everywhere, Cornell Dining has made an exciting new addition to the regular menu on West Campus- Chicken Fingers! Citing the mounting requests from students to diversify the menu, as well as complaints about the food being “too spicy” and “completely inedible”, the dining staff…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—With the inception of the Fall 2021 semester, Cornell clubs have lifted their controversial policy allowing recent alumni to remain in group chats despite no longer qualifying as official members. “While there is no question that the Covid-19 pandemic has made it difficult for new graduates to explore new opportunities, that does…
ALLENTOWN, PA—University officials announced Monday afternoon that they had selected a powerhouse performer to serve as both Slope Day headliner and Senior Convocation speaker; the individual’s availability was confirmed via Craigslist. The heavy-hitter in question, Jerry Ferguson, hails from Allentown, PA and—according to his Facebook profile—is an “aspiring 29-year-old musician with mad guitar Skillz”. On…
