NEW YORK – Searching to get some experience working in the professional world, Ian Littlefield ’16 remains hopeful about getting an internship for the summer of 2015 despite it already being the middle of July. “A lot of employers look like they already have all the interns they need,” said Littlefield, meticulously revising his cover…
HO PLAZA– In an unforeseen turn of events, the Cornell Store announced early Monday morning that it would be significantly reducing the price of merchandise on a wide array of items at an almost alarming rate. For the first time in the history of profit-driven retail, the store has placed an estimated two/thirds of its…
DAY HALL- Thanks to the actions of investigative journalists at Project Veritas, the Cornell community was shocked and appalled to learn Wednesday that the University strongly supports the actions of ISIS, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. “Yeah, that would be okay,” said Assistant Dean of Students Joe Scaffido, probably in response to a…
ROCKEFELLER HALL––In an astonishing feat of academic prowess during his FWS class last Monday, Finley Bamford-Schermerhorn ‘25 inscribed his notes using a quill and ink set. As if his writing instrument didn’t automatically secure his status as the intellectual heavyweight of the group, Bamford-Schermerhorn proceeded to share a comment that included the word “elucidate” three…
DAY HALL—Though union organizers had hoped to share their demands with President Pollack at a meeting earlier this week, they were instead gifted with the president’s own sage wisdom. Pulling from her personal experience in the workforce, Pollack advised the group to simply seek out the coffee serving equivalent of Ryan Lombardi and “have him…
GANNETT — Today Gannett released the conclusions to a year-long, million dollar research project centered on reducing the amount of stress in students’ lives. “We recognize the stressful nature of students’ lives, and hope that these results will give students an idea of what a healthy lifestyle is,” reads the introduction to the 47-page report….
EAST BUFFALO STREET—For the third time since the start of the semester, landlord Phil Montana decided to walk around the apartment of Paco Gonzalez ‘19 as if the place belonged to him. “He had the audacity to barge in after only three knocks and two emails in advance,” said Gonzalez. “If that wasn’t rude enough,…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Like lambs to slaughter, the latest victims of Cornell’s most indigestible dining hall were lining up for their daily source of slop. The lamenting calls of students who had used up the remainder of their BRBs early in the semester echoed in the air. A chill passed through Willard Straight Hall and students…
HO PLAZA, BASE OF OPERATIONS – The Ithaca sector of the Girl Scouts of America have entered the next phase of their campus infiltration, as dozens of six-year-olds and their parents enforce their confection-based fascist agenda outside of Willard Straight Hall. “These freethinkers will pay for not accepting our cookies as mandated by the constitution…
NORTH CAMPUS—A week after sending their closest friends off to new lives as college students, the high school friends of incoming freshmen found themselves in a race against Cornell’s orientation leaders to determine who could be ignored sooner by the campus’ newest residents. “I’m honestly off to a great start,” commented NYU freshman Dave Nichols….
