RAWLINGS GREEN — Just seconds after blurting out “I have two dogs” to the indifferent members of his orientation group, freshman Coby Cordsen immediately regretted sharing what was supposed to be the “fun fact” about himself. “I have two dogs? Is that seriously the best I could do?” Cordsen repeated shamefully in his head. “I…
COLLEGETOWN — Last night at around 10:04 PM EST, Michael Haysworth ’16 who, prior, had consumed one too many weed brownies, was found a little high but otherwise pretty much alright by his housemates. “I’ll take getting baked over being fried any day,” said Haysworth when asked what substances he’d used in the past 24…
HO PLAZA—A festive display of Christmas lights has lit up the streetlamps of Ho Plaza, with the goal of bringing cheer and holiday spirit to campus. Word spread quickly within the local insect community, and all airborne bugs within a one-mile radius migrated to central campus to bask and buzz in luminous ecstasy. “These lights…
NORTH CAMPUS—After a first few weeks filled with uncertainty and confusion, Cornell clubs have resumed their reassuring annual tradition of merciless combat over freshmen who clearly have no interest in joining those clubs. “Honestly, it’s flattering that they want me to join,” admitted John Bates ‘25. “But I’m just not the type of person they’re…
HIGH RISE 5—To accommodate a larger-than-expected first-year class that they definitely expected, Cornell Housing and Residential Life has recently converted student lounges in certain buildings to quintuples. This was an immense disappointment to Jackie Bruno ‘27, who was the only one of her identical siblings assigned to a different room. “Alexa, Amanda, Anna, Anika, and…
DONLON HALL – After a few days of attempting to secure new friendships with merely his kind nature and sense of humor, Ari Neilson ’19 has decided to change his strategy, hoping now to lure friends solely by hanging a large Bob Marley poster in his room. “I thought I could establish lifelong friendships by…
TEAGLE HALL— In a swift reminder of his humanity, area fitness junkie Alvin Jung ‘21 was humbled after having his head cleanly cut off while on the bench press. “He let his ego get the best of him,” said fellow gym-goer Eric Bilzerian, wearing an “In Memory of Alvin” sleeveless T-shirt that exposed his nipples….
HO PLAZA—Cornell Counseling & Psychological Services made waves this week when the psychological services department unveiled their new slogan “What Are You Gonna Do? Cry About It?” The motto change comes as a surprise for many, who for years have known the slogan of CAPS to be “Dang, That Sucks, Good Luck With That Though.”…
ITHACA, NY- A recently released file from Edward Snowden has revealed that the NSA participated in a covert data collection operation in order to obtain information regarding student i-Clicker usage. While campus officials have defended this project as a necessary preventative measure, many students are appalled that such superfluous data collection occurred. “I just feel…
With Spring break coming up next week, let’s take a look at the best places to vacation with your friends. Or, if you’re trying to escape your troubled past at all costs, we included some places that are good for that, too. Cancun, Mexico – With miles of gorgeous beaches, stunning scenery, and friendly locals,…
