NORTH CAMPUS–Cornell Housing and Residential Life left many students hot and bothered this Monday after announcing that all residents of air conditioned dorms would be issued a complimentary monocle and butler to distinguish them from the uncooled masses. “Although Cornell has a proud 150-year history of prioritizing privileged students at the expense of their disadvantaged…
ITHACA –Cornell University history professor Ralph Davis was reportedly bummed to cancel his 9AM lecture this morning on Napoleon’s attempted invasion of Russia. Davis, known on campus for being a young, cool professor, told officials he had written a rap song detailing the event, which took place in 1812 and proved the last defeat for Napoleon’s French army….
INTERSTATE 81—One of Earth’s most extraordinary natural phenomena coincides with fall break in upstate New York. The Great OurBus Migration is a sight to behold, but it poses significant risks to the surrounding ecosystem. This weekend, herds consisting of dozens of buses will be seen charging along the ancient migration route. Generations have driven along…
IVES HALL – Following a poor grade on his latest ILR prelim, Lenny Holt ’18 was reported as feeling surprisingly okay, under the realization that a bad grade wasn’t going to ruin his life and there were worse situations to be in. Given this new perspective, Holt allegedly went on to take a deep breath…
Graduating at the top of her class from Pebble Hill high school in 2012, Janice Ward, a sophomore in Cornell’s mechanical engineering program, had her choice of collegiate destinations. “ I was looking at Brown, and the University of Michigan, but ultimately I just felt the most comfortable here.” said Ward in her repulsive College…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—During a government discussion section last week, one student, Courtney Howe ‘29, took a large step towards actualizing her humanity by saying her first words. The comment shook the classroom, which had become accustomed to Howe silently sitting in the furthest left corner of the room. “I agree,” she said, rocking in her…
AG QUAD – College of Agriculture and Life Sciences Dean Kathryn J. Boor held a ceremony marking the opening of the Tyson Foods Slaughterhouse in the center of the Agriculture Quad. “Much like the Physics Department’s use of the Synchrotron or the Hotel School’s use of the Statler, we want to offer our students the…
Finally! After an agonizingly long winter, Spring has (sort of) sprung! I’m so excited to enjoy the warm weather and sunshine, picnic on the Arts Quad, and—most importantly—be free of that pesky Seasonal Affective Disorder that’s made the last six months of my life a living hell! Boy, oh, boy, I can’t wait to feel…
HO PLAZA– In preparation for the end of February break on Tuesday, February 16, Gannett Health Services released the following statement: “Nearly half of all seniors at Cornell suffer from some sort of senioritis. Getting a dose of reality can help students attain and keep their motivation. Ask your professor if your brain is smart enough to continue…
OLIN HALL—In response to backlash from tightened credit limitations for engineering students, university administrators have doubled down on limiting engineering students, this time by making sure they’re nice and cozy in bed just after sunset. “After we made them give up their schedules, some engineering students threw temper tantrums,” said Engineering professor Alexander Shome ‘92….
