ITHACA, NY—Cornell University President Martha Pollack’s decision not to suspend classes on Presidents’ Day has drawn fierce criticism from concerned patriots across campus. “President Pollack has brought shame to this institution by disrespecting the legacies of three of our nation’s presidents,” said George Ramirez ‘23, spokesperson for the Cornell Historical Society. “By not celebrating this…
GOLDWIN SMITH—During a spontaneous father-son tour of campus, one student found himself in the center of a parental rivalry between the man who begrudgingly raised him and the academic father figure who occasionally winks at him in the hallway. “I was just showing my father around the Temple of Zeus, and it was going pretty…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Last week, the Student Assembly (allegedly called the ‘Student Governance Assembly’) debated a resolution that could completely upend the relationship the organization has with Cornell’s leadership and student body. Resolution 22, “Making Student Assembly competent,” was extensively debated at an Assembly meeting last week. It includes such clauses as “Assembly members must read…
DAY HALL—Weeks of strikes have culminated in a landmark agreement between Cornell University and the United Auto Workers Local 2300 that addresses dozens of the union’s demands, including higher wages, expanded benefits, and access to a popular carbonated soft drink. While this new contract will no doubt improve the lives of the University’s employees, Cornell’s…
GOLDWIN SMITH – As she prepares to study abroad in Spain this spring, Jessica Temerson ’21 cannot wait to leave behind all her extracurricular responsibilities at school. “It has been very fulfilling to dedicate so much time and energy in leading these amazing clubs on campus,” Temerson says. “But DEAR GOD am I ready to…
MILSTEIN HALL–Armed with a hot glue gun and 218 boxes of uncooked pasta, fifth year AAP student Julia Pisano undertook the challenge of a lifetime: the construction of McGraroni Tower–a 1:20 scale model of Cornel’s most notable landmark. Upon its completion, instead of stepping back and admiring her marvel of modern architecture, Pisano broke into…
CLEVELAND – After over a hundred years of Cornellians never hearing about their alma mater on sports network programming, Fox color commentator John Smoltz thrilled students and alumni everywhere Wednesday night by finally mentioning Cornell in a World Series broadcast. “When Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the first Supreme Court justice to preside over a gay…
IVES HALL–On Wednesday afternoon, the students of Introduction to Oceanography received rave reviews from guest speaker Dr. Thomas Rolland. “In my many years of guest lecturing about the beauties and wonders of silt, I have never seen a class more excited or engaged,” declared Rolland. “The moment Professor Monger said that the content of my…
Chaos erupted in McGraw hall on Monday morning following an offhand comment made by Professor James Prew, in which he mentioned that he recently endured a difficult split that left him fractured. Among Prew’s most enthusiastic students was author of a fan fiction entitled “Prew Me Harder Daddy,” Stacey Sinclair ’25. “I did the math…
BARTELS HALL—After an embarrassing hearing on Capitol Hill failed to provide satisfactory answers, an internal government review found that no social media apps could ever possibly interact with Cornell’s wireless network. “I have to say I was concerned TikTok could somehow access Cornell’s Wi-Fi and gain access to the research we conduct on that campus,”…
