ITHACA, NY – Incoming freshman and international student Boris Katyaldev confirmed today that he was incredibly excited for the unique opportunity to attend an American university and get absolutely plastered while there. “All of my family back home encouraged me to look to America to go to college, and now that I’m actually here, I…
TOMPKINS COUNTY, NY — After approving the grades that would lead 58 students to tears and 17 to change their majors, asshole math professor Nancy Druckman began piping royal icing between walls of delectable cookies to assemble her adorable holiday gingerbread house. Professor Druckman, commonly referred to as “the devil in flesh”, constructed baby Jesus…
Alas! Martha Pollack hath revealed the purpose behind the ever-growing clocktower scaffolding. The construction shall never end so long as the sun still shines and the Cayuga lake runs blue of water and not red of blood. In an official statement on Monday, Pollack restated her commitment to the end of days cause. “The scaffolding…
By a squirrel. You wanna go, you piece of shit? I’ll do it, man, don’t test me! You think just because I’m a squirrel and you’re an adult human being, I’m afraid of you? I’ll kill you! I’LL KILL YOU! I’ve been the top squirrel around here for months, man. I don’t mess around, and…
COLLEGETOWN – Frustrated by the occupancy turnover rate at his Collegetown property, local landlord Henry Maier is now requiring a minimum five-year lease for all incoming renters. “At first I couldn’t figure out why tenants were so eager to move out,” Maier said of students living in his seven Collegetown properties. “Then I realized, they…
LINDEN AVE—Wilke Geoff, ‘20, was devastated upon his realization that his love for Cornell stems from the amazing people that teach, learn, and work there, rather than its physical architecture. Geoff, despite the flight of his roomates, had resolved to “stick it out” in Ithaca, even going as far as posting a fist-shaking GIF Jordan…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — The departure of Will Toddson ‘20 from his otherwise all-female FGSS 1101 class was met with excitement; during the first few minutes without him, the girls were finally free to remove their clothes and have a long, sexy pillow fight. “I mean, we’ll miss having a rational and logical mind to…
COLLEGETOWN— Recently, I noticed that Cornell was shutting down the Empathy, Assistance, and Referral Services Peer Counseling Program, on the basis that they could not afford the insurance. And I get it, because I too cannot afford health insurance. But please, I’m begging you, reinstate the peer counseling program, because if my friends come to…
DAY HALL—It’s officially autumn, which can only mean one thing: everything is orange now! In every store in the country, pumpkin spice lattes, pumpkin spice Oreos, and pumpkin spice cheesecake fill the shelves– and it’s not just stores. The Cornell University Financial Aid Office is also getting in on the fall fun, debuting a new…
Daniel Stone, a freshman planning to major in economics, reportedly missed his opportunity to enroll in Introductory Microeconomics for the Spring 2015 semester during freshman course enroll. As a result, Stone’s faculty advisor has informed him that he will never be able to earn his undergraduate degree. “I don’t understand how it happened,” said the…
