DAY HALL- The holiday season is in full swing for Cornellians, many of whom spent a portion of their Thanksgiving holiday in New York City, watching the Big Red hockey team trounce the UConn Huskies 6-0 at Madison Square Garden. The Frozen Apple, a longstanding tradition that unites Cornell students, their families, and generations of…
WESTCHESTER, NY—In a confusing development, your Aunt Patricia apparently knows Cornell exclusively as the alma mater of Huey Lewis, the frontman of the bygone pop rock band Huey Lewis and the News. “I always used to think that some fancy-schmancy Cornell education was a waste of money, but then I learned that Huey Lewis went…
MCGRAW HALL— In response to the annual pardoning of one lucky turkey for the Thanksgiving holiday, plucky political group “Cornell Republicans” released a seven page Instagram post calling for a reneging on the tradition. “This practice runs afoul of the very ideals on which this glorious nation was founded,” explained Zachary Harker ‘23, club president….
MYRON TAYLOR HALL— After a week of outrage surrounding an interrupted Ann Coulter event led to calls for expulsion, Bobo the Clown has stepped forward to clarify the cause of the dearth of fart noises and clown music. “Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry!” exclaimed Bobert Ringling ‘24. “All I’ve heard for the last week…
ITHACA, NY and EDUCATION CITY, QATAR—Amid controversies surrounding the 2022 World Cup, Cornell University President Martha Pollack defended the university’s Weill Cornell Medicine-Qatar satellite campus. Hailing the Gulf state as “the world’s most progressive petro-monarchy,” Pollack appealed to Cornell’s values. “In the words of our founder, we will always strive to do the greatest good….
WEST CAMPUS—In a shocking turn of events, one student’s milktoast European roommate revealed himself to be “like 1/16th Argentinian” as the World Cup began. “My great-great-grandfather lived in Argentina, actually!” explained James Brunner ‘24, in blue face paint and a Lionel Messi jersey. “¡Soy Argentino! I love my country, from the beautiful buildings of Buenos…
THE PROSPECT OF WHITBY—In a record bad day for poultry, a chicken has been found in complete and utter disarray after being turned away from all cooperative living opportunities, left with absolutely no co-op to call home. “It is honestly a bit of a bummer, because she really was one of our more enthusiastic mosey-ers….
My uncompassionate lowlife of a psychology professor obviously does not know even the basics of World War I. Come November, this campus always turns into sludge. It snows, and then the snow melts, and my feet get all wet. These are the conditions the heroes of World War I nobly fought and suffered in. The…
THURSTON AVENUE—Partygoers were perplexed when Phi Alpha Rho doorman Terrance Robinson ‘25 asked them if they had three brothers before admitting them to the event. “I think the guy was kinda in over his head,” said attendee Jared Carlson ‘24. “I thought I’d misheard [Robinson] at first, but he was insistent that I tell him…
Perhaps you have seen their strange advertisements. Perhaps one of them has approached you, pushing their product. God forbid, perhaps a “friend” has dragged you to one of their cult-like ceremonies, and charged you money for the privilege! This problem is top of mind for many Cornellians. The instrumentless menace, the unaccompanied scourge, the A…
