Major Cornell Major Tournament Round IV
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Cornell Student Wonders why Investors haven’t Given him Millions for his “Great Idea for a Start-up”
“I don’t know where I went wrong,” Grant Zuckerman told Cornell Nooz. Zuckerman, who claimed to have “the next Facebook – a once-in-a-lifetime idea,” was struck by the fact that he was not yet a millionaire. “I thought I did everything right: I came up with a great idea, told all my friends about it,…
University Moves Elderly Professors to Assisted Living Center
TOMPKINS SENIOR LIVING CENTER – Stating “it was a hard decision but the right thing to do,” Cornell University has relocated its oldest professors to a nursing home. The move wasn’t easy for Cornell; some of those professors were like grandparents to the university. However, there were numerous incidents in which the professors could have…
CRIME WATCH: Students to Receive Quartercards on Ho Plaza
ITHACA – Sources report that a number of students involved in campus extracurricular groups will gather today on Ho Plaza to distribute pieces of paper with highly useless information regarding their club’s activities. These 4″x6″ documents, if received, are known to cause grave maladies such as performance attendance, social activism, and mild papercuts. If seen by…
OP-ED: When I Said “Any Person, Any Study,” I Was Including People from Iraq, Iran, Syria, Sudan, Libya, Yemen, and Somalia
By Ezra Cornell Hey everybody, it’s me Ezra. Look, I realize I’ve been dead for a while now, and it’s not really my place to comment on the events happening in 2017, but I wanted to briefly return to explain something about my motto for the university. When I said “Any Person, Any Study,” I…
STUDY: Californian Students Tired of Hearing How Cold It Going to Get
ARTS QUAD — A new study shows that Californian students are already tired of students from colder regions telling them how much colder it’s going to get. “I get it. I’m from California. I’m already wearing the warmest jacket I own. It’s going to get colder, I get it. I know how the seasons work,”…
Cornell Mom Concerned After Receiving Call from Worry-free, Unstressed Son
LANCASTER, PENNSYLVANIA — Dana Harrington, mother of Jackson Whiting ‘18, expressed concern after receiving a call from her worry-free, unstressed son, who sounded completely content with his college experience instead of anxious and full of self-doubt like he’s supposed to be. “Something was definitely wrong. Jackson sounded happy and fully rested,” said Harrington, who sent…
Varsity Hockey Player Pre-Enrolls in Straight A’s
ITHACA- Following his completion of pre-enroll, varsity hockey player Tucker Maclin ’15, announced his excitement at the fact that next semester he will, like all previous semesters, be receiving a 4.0 GPA . This incredible feat will be accomplished while taking a substantial 18 credits, only having classes on Wednesdays, and with the stipulation that…
Housing Department Under Fire For Hasty Response To Ganędagǫ: Mice Despite Complete Silence Concerning Low Rise Seven Vampire Bats
LOW RISE SEVEN—The University Housing Department faced criticism this past week for their rapid action regarding rodents in Ganędagǫ: Hall as they continued to ignore the rampant infestation of bloodsucking vampire bats throughout Low Rise 7. The host of flighted mammals have reportedly occupied the dilapidated residence hall for several months without any university intervention….
Architecture Student Fails Assignment After Submitting Blueprints Identical To Uris Hall
URIS HALL—Architecture student Jeremy Caspar ’25 was left in shock Wednesday after discovering that he had failed his most recent assignment, not for copying the exact design of Uris Hall, in a bold-faced act of plagiarism, but rather for submitting a structure so profoundly unsettling. “I just don’t get it,” complained a perplexed Caspar. “When…