COLLEGETOWN—While discussing spring break plans with friend and noted wealthy person Martin Elias ‘24, Maia Robertson ‘23 noted a striking semblance between the former’s lengthy list of tropical destinations and the set of Caribbean islands referenced in The Beach Boys’ 1988 #1 hit “Kokomo.” “He mentioned Aruba, and I thought, ‘okay, that’s pretty conventional for…
DAY HALL—In a desperate attempt to maintain a calm and professional learning environment, Vice President for Student and Campus Life Ryan Lombardi pleaded for students to stay fully clothed during virtual classes. “We are calling upon your strength as Cornellians to care for each other in the upcoming weeks,” Lombardi wrote in his most recent…
WEST CAMPUS–The 3:00 bus to New York City was left in turmoil this Thursday after CoachUSA driver and political radical Jessie O’Connor announced her support for OurBus-based political systems. “Awaken yourselves, fellow proletariat!” declared a borscht-chugging, chain-smoking O’Connor to her bus full of self-described “solidly middle-class” hotel heirs. “Too long have the capitalist pig-dogs at…
KLARMAN HALL — Shortly following class dismissal on Wednesday, a chemistry worksheet that really should have been put in a binder was unceremoniously closed between the screen and keyboard of a Macbook Pro. Sources reported the laptop shutting in a “weirdly satisfying” way around the document to form a “cute little sandwich.” They also noted…
OKENSHIELDS 一 Let me paint you a picture. There I am, alone, in Okenshields on a Tuesday night, preparing for a hearty meal in the line for stir fry and rice. My mind is wholly on food, and I am ravenous. My plan, executed to perfection numerous times hence, is to grab my meal, retreat…
HO PLAZA—After repurposing a black satin curtain and a crowbar from the trunk of her ’97 Ford convertible, longtime police chief Kathy Zoner has left the Cornell Police force to take matters into her own hands. Zoner’s intensity has only seemed to increase since her resignation, and many students are still adapting to the crowbar-wielding…
OLIN LIBRARY—Panic ensued among patrons of Libe Cafe as what started off as a wimpy high-pitched whine grew into a deafening whistle, its shrill sound piercing ears and shattering phone screens. Searching for a means of sequestering the shrieking, workers rushed to unplug their appliances and knock over anything that might produce such an intense…
The university’s now 3-week long spring break has been “extremely lit” so far, according to Nate Gomez ‘21, whose lengthiest social interaction all week has been with Rosie, the blue anthropomorphic cat from Animal Crossing: New Horizons. “I was kind of worried that with nothing to do and no one to hang out with that…
MCGRAW HALL—Attempting to spread the holiday spirit, Professor Robert Jones wrote a greeting on the board before lecture this Wednesday that completely butchered the spelling of Chanukah. “I think Professor Jones remembered only the first and last letters and just filled in the rest by using, like, a random-letter generator or something,” said Jonah Goldfarb…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL一Showing up late to class for the 3rd time this week, so-called Government major Davos Spalding ‘25 seemed surprised to learn that all this talk about “Infrastructure Bill” was centered around a piece of legislation and not, as he had expected, a burly, brolic, big-biceped railway engineer who’d earned the nickname through his…
