CU Nooz – Page 48

Absolutely Zero Chance Of McGraw Tower Catastrophically Falling Onto Ho Plaza And Rolling Down the Slope, Announces Administration In Unprompted Statement

Nooz Staff4 years ago03 mins

MCGRAW TOWER—In response to a complete absence of student concern, Cornell administration announced this morning that there was absolutely no chance of McGraw Tower toppling down atop Ho Plaza before tumbling down the slope. The statement assured that such an event, which would transform the university’s iconic clocktower into a musical human steamroller, certainly would…

Report: Literally Anyone Can Enroll in Intro to Handgun Safety

Nooz Staff10 years ago02 mins

TOMPKINS COUNTY GUN CLUB – A recent examination of the student course catalog revealed that pretty much anyone can enroll in PE 1515 “Intro to Handgun Safety,” exploiting a dangerous loophole in New York firearm regulations that practically no one is concerned about. “New York State Law requires that all students taking the course must…

OP-ED: A Letter to the Daily Sun

Nooz Staff10 years ago05 mins

By Sam Nadell, Co-Editor-in-Chief of CU Nooz Having been a writer for CU Nooz for the past three years, I’ve noticed that, whether we like it or not, the Daily Sun and CU Nooz have been in a little bit of competition. Let me just start by saying that to even be in competition with…

Wines Class Cancelled After Student Urinates on Professor

Nooz Staff12 years ago12 years ago01 mins

In the wake of a recent mishap, Introduction to Wines has been cancelled until further notice. This move follows an incident from last Wednesday’s lecture, in which a disgruntled and inebriated student urinated on Professor Grabenstein’s leg after learning that he failed an exam. The student, whose name has yet to be released, is currently being…

Student Upset with B Blood Type

Nooz Staff11 years ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT — The latest Cornell blood drive is sparking renewed frustration as donors receive their results from the required test taken before donation. Red Cross representative Katherine Lea reports, “The median blood type was around a B. This is a slightly above average result and the students should be very proud.” Chris Tanner, ‘18,…

Uncategorized

Professional Frats Politely Ask University to Focus Hazing Investigations on IFC

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Following weeks of heightened university emphasis on the perils of hazing, The Professional Fraternity Council is imploring Cornell to only investigate the social fraternities on campus, and to leave the professional frats well enough alone. “It’s really hard for us to indoctrinate our new members correctly when the administration is breathing down everyone’s…

Uncategorized

Student Unsure How to Politely Tell Roommate There is “No Chance in Hell” They’ll Live Together Next Year

Nooz Staff5 years ago5 years ago03 mins

COLLEGETOWN— Worried student Samatha Check ‘23 is struggling to decide how to inform her current roommate that there’s not a goddamn chance the pair will be living together for the coming 2021-2022 academic year. “She’s a sweet girl,” Check said of her roommate since freshman year, “But she’s always so critical of me. I would…

God Commands Frat Bro to Build An Ark before Darty Foam Floods Collegetown

Nooz Staff3 years ago2 years ago03 mins

COLLEGETOWN–Noah Adamson ‘25, a new initiate at Delta Phi Chi fraternity, had hoped that his earthly horrors would cease after the pledging process. Yet, Noah’s mortal suffering has only heightened after a slightly-more-disturbing-than-normal Darty experience. After crushing 3 soapy cherry flavored white claws, Noah claims to have been spoken to by a burning keg. Our…

Incoming Freshman Meets 23 Best Friends at First Hall Meeting

Nooz Staff12 years ago01 mins

JAMESON — In a massive stroke of luck, freshman Gavin Johnson met 23 new best friends at the first Fourth-Floor Jameson Hall meeting. “Every single one of the residents shares a large number of interests with me, like being a freshman, being new to Ithaca, and living in Jameson,” Johnson explained. “These are the key…

Dumb Friend Finds New Way to Pronounce La Colombe

Nooz Staff6 months ago6 months ago03 mins

LIBE CAFE—The University’s switch from Starbucks to La Colombe this semester was seen as a resounding success for the local labor movement, and a devastating defeat for any fucking idiot with English as their first language. One such dumbass, Tom Hall ‘27, is having an especially difficult time nailing down the new cafe’s pronunciation. “I…

Student with 1.7 GPA Likes Group Projects for Inexplicable Reason

Jewish Freshman Wonders Which Club Was Running This Weird Forehead Protest Thing On Wednesday

Hockey Season Over, 30 Year Olds Back in Lecture

OP-ED: If the Professor’s Question Was Really Addressed to a Woman, Then Why Did I Answer It?

OP-ED: My College Experience And Particular Group of Friends are Special and Worthy of a Verbose Opinion Piece

OP-ED: How Dare the TA Not Give Me All the Answers

Absolutely Zero Chance Of McGraw Tower Catastrophically Falling Onto Ho Plaza And Rolling Down the Slope, Announces Administration In Unprompted Statement

Report: Literally Anyone Can Enroll in Intro to Handgun Safety

OP-ED: A Letter to the Daily Sun

Wines Class Cancelled After Student Urinates on Professor

Student Upset with B Blood Type

Professional Frats Politely Ask University to Focus Hazing Investigations on IFC

Student Unsure How to Politely Tell Roommate There is “No Chance in Hell” They’ll Live Together Next Year

God Commands Frat Bro to Build An Ark before Darty Foam Floods Collegetown

Incoming Freshman Meets 23 Best Friends at First Hall Meeting

Dumb Friend Finds New Way to Pronounce La Colombe