It has come to my attention that this ‘club’ is available for various… jobs. I would therefore like to ask that the Cornell Consulting Club utilize their veracity for the facts to find my missing son. Late last Sunday night, my thirteen-year-old son Derek disappeared without a trace from our residence. I’ve been skeptical of…
JAMESON HALL — For almost a full month, Jared Lake, a freshman in the College of Arts & Sciences, has been waiting impatiently for any reason at all allowing him to punch his roommate in the teeth without being reprimanded. “One wrong move. He just needs to make one wrong move and I’ll have carte…
NORTH CAMPUS — The gigantic icicle just outside your dorm has been waiting there for the past few weeks. Gaining strength. Waiting just for you. For the perfect moment to strike. “You have to stop worrying about that icicle,” warns your roommate, but you can’t stop thinking about its ominous presence outside your window. Its…
When people think of Cornell’s most distinctive features, they usually come up with three things: the gorges, former president Hunter R. Rawlings III, and the swim test. The last is particularly renowned, with many alumni citing it as among their most formative college experiences. But a dark truth hides beneath the pool’s chlorinated surface. For…
Last week, the TA sighed when I raised my hand for help. That really stung, but I expect it will only haunt me for a few more years. Then, my best friend got an offer from her dream internship. It made me feel like shit. I’ll never accomplish my goals, but I don’t deserve to…
MCGRAW HALL—Following major news outlets’ calls projecting Joe Biden’s victory in the 2020 Presidential Election, Cornell Republicans’ endorsement of Donald Trump in the 2020 election has been proven wrong. This complete and total whiff comes on the heels of their 2016 endorsement of Gary Johnson, making them 0 for 4 over the past 16 years. …
BURBANK, CA — After a hearty Christmas Eve dinner, Cornellians everywhere will be cozying up in front of their televisions tonight to watch the world premiere of the holiday special “A Very Cornell Christmas,” on ABC at 9:00 PM EST. The story of “A Very Cornell Christmas” centers around a little elf named Jingle Ivytrifle,…
ITHACA, NY – Student Faculty Chair Thomas Andersen announced yesterday that Cornell plans to expand its Net-Print service to include 3D printing by the end of next year. The plans have already been met with both praise and skepticism. As of press time, the futuristic printing service would cost $90 per cubic foot. “Cornell knows…
Every semester, students across campus eagerly await “prelim season,” a time for rigorous–yet invigorating–intellectual stimulation. Unfortunately, according to a new report released by Cornell’s Department of Psychology, stupid kids actually suffer during this energizing time of year. Academic burnout is brought on by overwhelming workloads, and can cause students to feel drained, exhausted, and unmotivated….
WARREN HALL—Dyson student and absolute shithead Peter Hendrik ‘24, known to fellow students in AEM 1056 as “the Guy who’s really unfucking funny”, was quick to express his enjoyment of Elon Musk’s turn as host of the past weekend’s Saturday Night Live during the class’s penultimate Zoom lecture this Monday. “Holy shit guys. I had…
