NEW YORK INTERSTATE ROUTE 81–Noting the increasingly withered and gray vegetation outside the car window, Sarah Pewter ‘20 remarked to her friends that they must be nearing Ithaca on their return trip from Fall Break. “Look at all the trees in that field that are all shriveled up and don’t have any leaves.” said Pewter,…
ITHACA, NY — Sources close to Cornell Student Aaron Lau ’15 say that Lau views female friend Kaitlyn Douglas ’15 “as a sister,” but indicate that Lau “would definitely still have sex” with Douglas if she offered. “Me and Kaitlyn have been friends since freshman orientation,” Lau told CU Nooz. “At this point it’s almost…
BAKER LAB—A review by Cornell chemistry faculty revealed that only 23% of the department’s stringent safety protocols would be in place were it not for noted buffoon Greg ‘07. “Without Greg, Cornell chemistry would look dramatically different—well, better—than it does now,” said lead author Professor Sasha Williamson. “He was a true trailblazer. By that, I…
OLIN LIBRARY—Students rejoiced as the long-awaited Olin Library renovation was finally completed this past week, reopening a popular study area on the main floor. For months, library goers have silently endured the overcrowded conditions. It became a common sight to see flocks of Cornellians circling the room, looking for an open chair. But now, thanks…
RHODES HALL — Walking around the faculty lounge like some kind of big shot, Assistant Professor of Applied Mathematics Hermann Schweitz is reportedly talking to the full professors of his department as if he’s hot shit or something. “So, are you guys going to the colloquium talk this afternoon? Can I come with you?” exclaimed…
STEWART LOT—Following growing resentment against Cornell University’s fleet of parking enforcement officers, the ticketing troop formed Parking Anonymous, a support group to share and work out the unique horrors for those whomst get a little too excited at the sight of a dirty, nasty, unforgivably sexy parking violation. Phil Jackson, 44, a single man living…
STATEN ISLAND—Longing for a time with better company and better food, Alex Reed ’24 has been missing Cornell Dining’s exquisite meal selections while back at his parents’ house for Winter Break. “It’s nice to not have to wait in line at the dining hall—sorry, dining room,” Reed said. “But overall, there just hasn’t been the…
DAY HALL — Scoring three out of four stars, Cornell University was again ranked in the top three in the U.S. News and World Report’s 2017 List of Best Universities in Tompkins County. “It’s definitely a testament to the quality of the faculty and dining options we are proud to have at Cornell,” said Vice…
LIBE SLOPE—In a massive Earth Day victory for campus sustainability groups, local student and environmental warrior Devin Carmichael ‘24 helped save the planet by heroically kicking an empty beer can out of a walkway. “I have a friend who’s an Environment and Sustainability major, so I’ve always been pretty attuned to issues with nature and…
If you scroll down all the way down the Twitter comments where Roxane Gay wrote, “I’ll hook you up” on the Daily Sun article, addressing Cornell’s lack of a convocation speaker, you’ll find one more comment—from yours truly—that says, “I’ll hook you up, too.” Hi. It’s me, Frank. I’m a sophomore English major from Kentucky,…
