ITHACA, NY – In honor of Cornell’s sesquicentennial, the university registrar has decided to ruin the senior year experience of the Class of 2015 by canceling AMST2001. “Canceling one of the best classes at Cornell next year—famous not only for teaching students about Cornell’s history but also about unifying classes and inspiring a much deeper…
ITHACA—As winter recess comes to an end, travel-weary Cornellians return to campus by the busload, only to be greeted by what one local weather enthusiast describes as “the ideal environment for some really funny shit to happen.” Bryan Trast, a native Ithacan and self-proclaimed “Climate Harmonic Analyst,” looks forward to this time every year: “The…
PHILLIPS HALL—Students were left horrified this Tuesday after senior lecturer Timothy Ostgarden paused his 8 am lecture to remark, “Now, I’m not sure if they’ll let me say these days,” before embarking on a thirty minute screed against women, minorities, the LGBT community, and the Irish. “I’m disappointed in Dr. Ostgarden, to be honest,” said…
Find your favorite charter. Attend your 1:25 class. Dress up Ezra and A.D. White’s corpses for the Sesquicentennial Bring A.D. White and Ezra Cornell to the Cornell Dairy Bar and demand three free ice creams. Order the whole menu at CTB and tell them Ezra will take care of it. Take Ezra Cornell to Day…
HO PLAZA — Fear and worry erupted on campus when the Cornell community witnessed the evil Green Southscale Dragon, Nídhöggr, lock the Princess in the tallest room in McGraw Tower. She is expected to remain there for the foreseeable future, until either the townspeople relinquish all their gold to the dragon or she is rescued…
WILLARD-STRAIGHT HALL – Denice Cassaro lay awake all night haunted by the specter of a bored student who, in the absence of any fun events on campus, just went to bed early. “I’ve worked so hard to make sure that students are aware of the fun, engaging community events happening around them at all times…
SPIRIT HALLOWEEN—One lying cunt notoriously stands out among the student body as the absolute fakest, nastiest bitch to crawl the earth. This fugly, complete skank was shopping for a slutty Halloween disguise when she was spotted strutting right past the devil horn section to snatch a fluffy angel halo from the hands of an innocent…
CASCADILLA HALL—Each year, campus-wide dormitory fire inspections protect students against the threat of space heaters, extension cords, and freestanding microwave ovens. This year, however, dutiful Ithaca fire marshals have been met with a new challenge—asbestos removal notifications. According to Acting Fire Chief Samuel Smiley, local fire code mandates that no more than ten percent of…
In an attempt to find the next big viscous drink craze for his thesis, Cornell Food Science major Todd Carmichael ‘18 has been desperately looking for a new thing to milk. “I mean, people have been milking cows, goats, even various nuts. There’s not many things left for a guy like me to milk around…
ITHACA, NY — The student body is building its anticipation over the upcoming announcement of this year’s Slope Day location. “There’s always so much interesting speculation,” said junior Peter Yang, who expressed his disappointment over previous Slope Day locations for their muddy surfaces and uneven footing. “It’s so exciting! The last couple years it’s been…
