Thousands of students on campus have found themselves less alone this Valentine’s Day with a little help from an old study buddy: ChatGPT. Thanks to the indistinguishable array of data on the internet, singles can craft their perfect partner through artificial intelligence; bolstered by the romantic holiday, some have even decided to take their relationships…
CORNELL HEALTH—Administrators from Cornell Health and Safety introduced a new member of their team this morning: Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin. “We thought it was past time to fight back against the epidemic that is guys wearing 5” inseam shorts in the middle of winter,” announced Arnold Riggs, newly appointed director of C.U.P.D. (Cornell University Patellar…
BED BATH AND BEYOND—Ithaca’s own Bed Bath & Beyond was struck this past week by a new, never-before-seen curse from the heavens above. This eleventh plague wreaked havoc on the aisles dedicated to command strips as well as their off-brand alternatives. “It was horrifying, I’d never seen anything like it,” said Cashier Josephine Selter “So…
IVES HALL—In an unexpected Valentine’s twist, Cornell’s Perfect Match team managed the impossible by matching every Industrial Labor Relations Student together into one loving collective bargaining unit. “I can’t wait to ask all 1,000 of my new matches out on a first date!” exclaimed Richard Lunka ‘24. “I have so many romantic ideas for us…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL–Last Tuesday, students in Professor Stephen Winslow’s Intro to Ethics and Philosophy class were debating the merits of DuBois’ double-consciousness theory during an 11:00 AM discussion section when a comment from one student raised some eyebrows. The student, Sheldon Morestead ‘28, was commenting on the black struggle in America when he uttered a…
COMSTOCK HALL—Biology Major Jay Kottlier ‘26 was left awestruck in his BIOG 1500 laboratory meeting this week following his successful utilization of a pipette. Upon witnessing the device move a small quantity of liquid from one container to another, Kottlier reported being filled with an immense certainty that mankind would soon bring about its own…
ITHACA– Reports are surfacing that on Sunday morning, current freshman Eric Holt woke up to find himself sleeping on a couch in his dorm’s lounge rather than in his bed. Within a few seconds of waking up, Holt remembered why: he had been sexiled, or sexually exiled, by his pre-frosh guest, Jonny Dixon. The…
DICKSON HALL—A valiant shampoo bottle let out its final squirt today after a long, slippery battle against grime and grease. As the unsuspecting user applied the usual squeeze, the room filled with a weak, sputtering sound. What trickled out was not the rich, satisfying lather once cherished, but a thin, defeated dribble—a pathetic, watery remnant…
After sending out dozens of applications over the past month, Christina Walkerman ’16 is currently realizing that her cumulative GPA may not be high enough to grant her admission to a top-tier afterlife. “I’ve done the community service, internships, and got a great score on the MCAT, but it’s my grades that I’m concerned about,”…
ITHACA, NY- With the new semester starting, Cornell student Mason Parker ’17 recently came under the realization that he finally gets it. After approximately four months at this school, having taken only intro-level classes and joining four different club email lists without ever attending a meeting, the freshmen claimed he “really understands what’s going on…
