ITHACA, NY — Matthew Bernstein ‘15 has been suffering from an alcohol withdrawal headache all day, a headache which he has mistakenly attributed to too little sleep. “Man, my head’s pounding today. I definitely need to get to bed earlier today,” said Bernstein, unable to connect the dots between the fact he’s been drunk every…
BARTON HALL — After two weeks of not really feeling comfortable at his new college, freshman Owen Childress was reportedly excited to go to this weekend’s Clubfest to search around for new and interesting clubs that could look good on a future resume. “Wow, I’ve never considered Japanese drumming before. But will my eventual employer…
URIS HALL—This morning, during the 10:10 lecture for Intro to Cognitive Science, a single student sacrificed his class grade for a piece of pure comedy gold: Jamie McCannon ‘19 answered C on a True/False iClicker question, bringing the lecture hall to its knees in laughs. “I never thought there could be so much beauty in…
COLLEGETOWN—An unexpected turn of events left a group of friends seriously concerned while making plans for the weekend. In a move that baffled the whole group, Sam Thompson ‘26 replied in agreement of a plan within seconds of it being suggested. “I sent out a text about grabbing drinks, and Sam responded with ‘I’m in!’…
NORTHCROSS @ JESSUP – As she hopped on the TCAT on her way class this Wednesday, Jessica Abbot ‘22 was delighted to discover that the usually endearing bus driver was looking exceptionally precious that morning. Abbot couldn’t quite put her finger on what made Steve Haas, TCAT driver of 12 years, look even more lovable…
LIBE CAFE—While catching up with a freshman year acquaintance, future scammer Lisa Monollo ‘22 spilled all the details to friend Jen Pella ‘22 about her final round interview for a company that is almost certainly a pyramid scheme. “I was always so intimidated by the recruitment process for full-time jobs, but once I learned all…
Listen up, you assholes: all of you, with your fake orange beards that look like upside-down Troll hair and your misplaced green Mardi Gras beads, know jack shit about the esteemed religious and cultural meaning of Saint Patrick’s Day. This is supposed to be the one time of the year when people acknowledge the 5th-century…
TOWNHOUSES—In a sudden rant to his disinterested suitemates this morning, sophomore Terrence Doe ‘23 tore into the 2020 US News & World Report’s “Best National Universities” ranking, which placed Cornell at 18th. “Look, there’s no way Columbia should be third. And how are we ranked below Brown? These schools definitely paid a ton of money…
BAKER LAB—After being caught off guard in an awkward interaction with a member of his 8 AM class, chemistry professor Lee Wilf reportedly hoped that his poor first impression wouldn’t ruin the rest of his semester. “It was 15 minutes before my class started, so I really wasn’t expecting anyone to come into the lecture…
ITHACA – Drew Teegen, a history major graduating this May, recently announced that he has found employment as a factory worker in Victorian era England. The senior plans on beginning his employment in July of 1844. “Through my history classes at Cornell, I’ve learned a number of highly marketable skills,” explained Teegan. “Including an in-depth…
