HO PLAZA, BASE OF OPERATIONS – The Ithaca sector of the Girl Scouts of America have entered the next phase of their campus infiltration, as dozens of six-year-olds and their parents enforce their confection-based fascist agenda outside of Willard Straight Hall. “These freethinkers will pay for not accepting our cookies as mandated by the constitution…
CARPENTER LIBRARY—After reports of several 19-year-olds becoming hyperconscious at a party this past weekend, dozens of members of the Geek Life community at Cornell were busted for underage thinking. “Cornell police responded to several students acting illegally under the inference of human mortality,” said a representative of the Interfranerdity Council, adding participants in the geek…
With Slope Day, Cornell’s end of Spring semester celebration and concert, coming on Thursday, it’s best to know what you’re getting into. CU Nooz is here to prepare you as best as possible for the day’s festivities. Tank tops are a Slope Day must, as they expose as much of your arms and shoulders as…
GULF OF MEXICO—Since his return to office, President Donald Trump has issued dozens of executive orders, demanding everything from the end of birthright citizenship to withdrawal from various international agreements. On Friday, the President took things a step further, signing an order entitled “Protecting America From Invasion By Meddling Foreign Drafts and Moistures”, which aims…
What is supposed to be a routine bathroom visit quickly turns into a nightmare whenever the automatic toilet begins flushing of its own volition. At its core, this is a question of man vs. machine. We are in a time of widespread uncertainty and hesitation regarding the role of artificial intelligence in our society. Yet,…
ITHACA, NY – At 11:53 AM, the Cornell Commencement Committee announced that this year’s convocation speaker will be the Grimm Reaper in order to remind seniors that the only remaining milestone in their lives is certain death. “We really want to drive home the fact that after college, current students will spend the rest of…
STOCKING HALL— Earlier this week, Food Science Professor Rick Touche was lauded for finally nailing down the definition of the word “savory.” This breakthrough was met with relief from billions of food eaters across the globe who have long struggled to explain what they’re tasting. “His definition is ingenious: broad, but not too broad. Specific,…
CORNELL HEALTH—Despite a valiant effort to keep morale high, the goofy posters of wellness memes Cornell Health has been hanging up just are not going to get it done at the moment. “I totally understand they’re doing their best to keep everyone’s spirits up,” said Ramash Miraja ‘22. “But when I get an email from…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Attending his Intro to American Politics course, proud conservative virgin Gerald Dumfries ‘23 began openly praising Texas’s new restrictive abortion ban, despite the fact that due to a combination of his inner and outer repulsiveness, it will be physically impossible for him to ever impregnate anyone. “Look, I’m a supporter of women’s rights,…
COLLEGETOWN—Dozens of redditors have once again banded together to ensure r/Cornell remains home to not only right wing-SA rants and CS workload complaints, but moderately cute bunnies, too. Progress! “Seeing these cute little bundles of fluff is the highlight of my day,” said user AnarxhyMurder231. “After the first ninety posts I told myself nothing could…
