URIS GARDEN– Robert Frost reports that the woods are not, in fact, as “lovely, dark, and deep” as he once believed after eating absolute shit on the treacherous pathway from Uris Hall just this past week. When the quaint classrooms of Uris Hall failed him in his search for poetic inspiration, Frost turned to the…
DAY HALL — Earlier today, President Elizabeth Garrett officially ran out of all three hundred Big Red Bucks on her campus meal plan. According to her secretary Deborah Moss, Garrett was spending upwards of 30 BRBs on a daily basis: “Sometimes Beth would get breakfast at Trillium, lunch at Terrace, and would run out for…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Addressing his confused and disappointed team, football coach David Archer ‘05 told the Big Red that they were “really, really close” to making the Super Bowl this year. “When the guys heard there was a big game going on this weekend, they seemed pretty heartbroken that they hadn’t been invited,” said Archer. “I wanted…
BAKER LAB—After being caught off guard in an awkward interaction with a member of his 8 AM class, chemistry professor Lee Wilf reportedly hoped that his poor first impression wouldn’t ruin the rest of his semester. “It was 15 minutes before my class started, so I really wasn’t expecting anyone to come into the lecture…
ITHACA, NY – Confusion and fear filled North Campus early this morning, when a fire started in Unit 1 of the all-girl’s dorm Balch Hall. Sources report that the cause of the fire, a mystery at first, is now being attributed to the ridiculous hotness of Balch babes. A creepy Ithaca fireman at the scene…
SAPSUCKER WOODS — A blood-covered research assistant from Cornell’s Lab of Ornithology released a statement earlier today that he was “sorry about what happened with all the birds back there.” The researcher, biology student Robert Cowan M.S. ’18 studying changes in the behavior of the North American Goldfinch in the presence of lawnmowers, claims that…
BAKER LAB- As Mrs. Winkler entered the auditorium full of eager CHEM 2070 students, she was met with concerned whispers from the crowd. The 300 murmuring students were silenced only when one of them dared to blurt out the question on everyone’s mind. “Where’s Mr. Zax today? and who are you?” exclaimed brave freshman Eric…
The first Slope Day Survey dropped this week, kicking off months of deliberation to decide who Cornell will pay for students to black out and not see. Past years have featured a vast array of artists with one song you kind of know, most of which produce pop, rap, or EDM music. The genres of…
A message from the Cornell Concert Commission We, the Cornell Concert Commission, regret to inform the Cornell community that the jerkface artist we scheduled to play at the homecoming concert we definitely planned canceled on us. We are as shocked as you are. We were very excited to announce that this very famous artist that…
BAILEY HALL – Excitement has been building on the Cornell campus in anticipation of this Friday night, when several hundred lucky students will get the chance to see every photographed Human of New York crowd into Bailey Hall. “When the Program Board announced that they were bringing over 6,000 people photographed by Brandon Stanton, I…
