Despite Cornell University’s recent attempts to diversify its off-campus programs, university administrators admitted Tuesday that the University’s “Cornell in Newark” and “Cornell in Detroit” programs had not been as popular as their D.C. program for unexplained reasons. “We’re mystified, really,” said Vice President of Student Life William Darson. “We thought that offering new programs in…
When I first heard the rumor that the US economy was being propped up by artificially inflated growth in the AI sector, I thought it was laughable. But the signs keep piling up, and if twenty years on Wall Street have taught me one thing, it’s that selling off before a crash is pointless on…
MORRISON DINING—In just their first week on campus, freshmen have been subjected to unsavory dining hall food due to the ongoing strike of Cornell Dining workers. In response, many of these new students and their parents have taken to social media to express their frustrations. One student, however, doesn’t seem to mind the new dining…
THE CORNELL DAILY SUN—James Macintyre ‘25 takes his unpaid, full-time position at the Cornell Daily Sun very seriously. So, when he learned that he had forgotten to distribute the paper for the third week in a row, the pain of the Sun’s 25-ish dedicated readers weighed heavily on his shoulders. As a result of Macintyre’s…
COLLEGETOWN – Regularly hopping out of bed early, crazy motherfucker Damien Shultz ‘19 wakes up at the unfathomable hour of 5:00am every single day. “I can’t even comprehend how this maniac willingly chooses to wake up and even get dressed before 9:00am,” says roommate Paul Andrews ‘19, running on 5 hours and 3 cups of…
Hoping for a shot at joining the elites of Cornell, Michael White ‘26 entered the alluring seating area of Temple of Zeus. As the unspoken meeting place for aesthetically blessed students, the radiant marble tables glistened seductively as he passed. But White stirred up trouble when he attempted to find an available seat, eliciting shock…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—This flu season, it’s not only the health of students that Cornell administrators are concerned about, but also the health of our planet. “We’re very excited about the Share-rynge Campaign,” said Sarah Carson, Director of the Campus Sustainability Office. “By cutting down on single-use plastics like hypodermic needles and bandages and instead choosing…
Freshmen Candidates: Dale Barbaria — Barbaria’s high school yearbook awarded this engineering student from New Rochelle the title “Most Likely To Be A Student Assembly Representative At Cornell University” Nelson Billington — From Washington D.C., Billington promises that, if elected Freshman Representative, he will use his new position to impress girls. Marissa…
DONLON — In what RA’s across campus are calling “The Donlon Miracle,” a potential fire was narrowly averted when building inspectors discovered a poster exactly 19 inches from the ceiling. Equipped with protractors and tape measures, building inspectors entered 4551 Donlon Hall at around 10:30 Monday morning and quickly noticed a cat poster perched dangerously…
ITHACA—Hoping to bring some joy to what could otherwise be described as a bleak and tumultuous year, the Cornell University Police Department has decided to switch to holiday-themed parking tickets for the month of December. “As days get shorter and people have gone months without seeing their loved ones, we noticed that folks have been…
