DAY HALL — President Elizabeth Garrett announced this past weekend the creation of the new Cornell College of Business, an amalgamation of the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics & Management and the Samuel Curtis Johnson Graduate School of Management. This new college will serve as a revolutionary new program which…
ITHACA, N.Y. – Although Rush Week at Cornell University can be hectic for the many involved, the stress has been overshadowed by what many are calling a “selfless outpouring of giving.” Multiple sources confirmed that female rushees are donating their footwear to the needy Ithaca community by leaving their boots outside sorority houses. “Uggs, Hunters,…
MEWS HALL—Last Saturday, Daphne Smythe ‘25 suddenly awakened in the middle of the night to see a hooded figure holding a chalice filled with a mysterious red liquid loudly chanting Latin hymns outside her dorm room window. “I know who’s behind this malicious threat!” Smythe declared triumphantly. “It must be that darn Daphne Smithe in…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL — With the midterm elections fast approaching, I took it upon myself, as an informed citizen and registered voter, to encourage my friends to register as well. Unfortunately, my well-intentioned plan to increase youth turnout this November backfired when I accidentally convinced my friend Janice to register without realizing she was actually…
Morrill Hall—During his Introduction to Anthropology discussion section earlier this week, Kevin Quoc ‘22 reportedly veered off-track from the assigned readings and began a line of inquiry closely drawing on an episode of the hit History Channel show, “Ancient Aliens.” When the TA asked if anyone had questions about the migration patterns discussed in lecture…
DYSON SCHOOL OF APPLIED ECONOMICS AND MANAGEMENT—On Thursday evening, University President Martha Pollack announced in an email that Cornell alum Lucifer the Prince of Darkness ‘09 will be speaking on topics in economics this semester. “Lucie is a dear friend of mine and of many other members of the Cornell community,” wrote Pollack. “His Darkness…
KENNEDY HALL – Noting that it was a hard but necessary move, Professor Larry Miller, Biology and Society, has dropped his Communication in Medicine class only hours before the end of the penalty-free drop period. “I couldn’t handle the stress,” Miller stated when asked about his last-minute decision. “I’m already teaching 16 other credits, and…
ITHACA, NY — Steven Terry, ‘17 , placed on academic probation this spring, reportedly found a real-life application for Calculus when he realized that he needed to pass the course in order to enjoy all the benefits conferred by a university diploma. The struggling Freshman was studying in the stacks when he frustratedly asked those…
URIS—Amidst the hubbub of the evening exodus from campus libraries as students wrapped up their studying for the night, one student remained trapped in a purgatory of his own making: his print job was less than 30 percent of the way done. As the vile machine cranked out inch by agonizing inch, Johnny Keagan ’26…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—In a display of gritty revolutionary spirit, Elia Wang ‘21 took it upon herself to use course evaluations to dismantle Cornell’s ruling class: tenured professors. “I was looking for a way to truly make my voice heard,” said Wang. “And submitting an evaluation of straight ones will be a surefire way to topple…
