By Professor Margaret Ellipson, ENGL 2810 Creative Writing When all of you students walk through the door each morning, I give you the opportunity to look deep into yourself. For the years I have taught this class, the students and I, together, have spent every Monday and Wednesday from 10:10 to 11:00 turning the mundane…
KEETON HOUSE – At the end of this Fall semester, Evan Hunter ‘18 now finds himself unable to remember any sound that doesn’t come from his expansive Spotify library. “I haven’t stopped listening to music for the past two weeks. Everywhere I go, no matter what I do, I can only hear the cacophony of…
ITHACA- Sources confirmed late Tuesday that Ithaca Mayor Svante Myrick’s desire for a snow day on Wednesday had in fact come to fruition. “I made a wish and it came true!” exclaimed the bright-eyed and simple mayor, dancing around the kitchen of his Collegetown apartment, dressed in inside-out and backwards pajamas. “Woo hoo! No school!…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Students in Polynesian Practical Politics were sent ducking for cover amidst Professor Paul Peter’s lecture on the Preparedness of Polynesian Professional Politicians. Professor Peter, who is best known for his over-the-top alliteration and his tendency to practically swallow the microphone every class, had students particularly concerned in this lecture. “The front row is…
ENZO’S PIZZERIA — A mysterious collection of unique liter, used whippet canisters, has begun accumulating at an impressive rate outside of Enzo’s Pizzeria, the finest local italian Ithaca has to offer. What started out as just a few whippets, has transformed into a pile of at least fifteen, and appears to continue growing. “Every day…
BARTON HALL – The Cornell Concert Commission is excited to announce that Canadian pop-singer and viral sensation Carly Rae Jepsen is is scheduled to perform at Barton Hall, maybe. “We’re truly delighted to have Carly Rae performing at our own Barton Hall,” stated CCC executive director Ryan Enderby, “Be sure to grab your tickets early…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In reaction to the upcoming closure of Cornell’s campus for undergraduates, the Interfraternity Council has released a statement saying that “although there will be disruptions as we make this transition,” they expect to “learn to adjust” as fraternities begin to hold all parties over Zoom. “Obviously, we wish all attendees could squeeze into…
UNIVERSITY AVE—Aspiring brothers of Beta Sigma fraternity were shocked to find out that their favorite weekly pledge event “Silly Drink Paint Thursday” was actually hazing. Beta Sigma was one of many fraternities placed under suspension by the University amidst a crackdown on hazing. Brothers and pledges alike were caught off guard by the punishment, unsure…
ITHACA, NY – As Cornell was brought in for its seasonal checkup, it was revealed that its Spring has broken, and may be beyond repair. Upon receiving the news that Spring was in fact irreversibly broken, Cornell president David Skorton told reporters “I’ve been bringing Cornell in for its inspection every year for the past…
ITHACA, N.Y. – Although Rush Week at Cornell University can be hectic for the many involved, the stress has been overshadowed by what many are calling a “selfless outpouring of giving.” Multiple sources confirmed that female rushees are donating their footwear to the needy Ithaca community by leaving their boots outside sorority houses. “Uggs, Hunters,…
