As the new semester begins, so too does the never-ending plight of the workers, according to a few Cornell students. Leon Truman ’17, and his classmates in “Marxism: Then and Now” have decided that the sins of capitalism are theirs to overturn. “The capitalist presence here is really out of control,” said Truman, sporting a…
Yeah, so, I guess I’m just a little bit confused. From my research, I was led to believe that there would be more to this whole “hockey” thing, but it was no more than just men hitting a puck around with sticks. You see, I watched the entire Cornell versus Harvard hockey game, and none…
COLLEGETOWN — Actively indicating they will destabilize their crumbling relationship by the end of the night, juniors Katie Riley and Jason Daniels arrived at a Halloween party in a cigarette and lung couple costume, a pretty good sign that they will soon be breaking up. “We’re going through a rough patch at the moment,” said…
THE HEAVENS – As Cornell struggles through one of the coldest stretches in recent memory, local reports indicate that even the Lord Almighty himself is wondering when this intolerable weather will let up. “It feels like it’s been under 10 degrees this whole semester, and classes haven’t even been canceled yet? I mean what are…
WEST CAMPUS—The McGraw Hall renovations this semester have forcibly relocated much of the History Department. One faculty member, Professor Williams, has responded to the relocation by taking up temporary residence at a nearby fraternity house on West Campus. Several months since the move, Williams seems to have assimilated into the fraternity’s culture: participating in traditions,…
The university’s now 3-week long spring break has been “extremely lit” so far, according to Nate Gomez ‘21, whose lengthiest social interaction all week has been with Rosie, the blue anthropomorphic cat from Animal Crossing: New Horizons. “I was kind of worried that with nothing to do and no one to hang out with that…
DUFFIELD HALL—Last week, Bruce Reid ‘26, a Cornell mechanical engineering student, proudly sported his “This Is What a Cornell Engineer Looks Like” shirt around campus. However, Reid’s peers claim that they didn’t require his extra clarification to figure out his major. “Oftentimes, images portray an idea better than words,” said Jabari White ‘25, who saw…
OKENSHIELDS — Earlier today, David “Happy Dave” Sepulveda, beloved card-swiper and greeter, announced his candidacy in the 2016 presidential election with massive support from Cornell Dining and the greater Okenshields community. “The American people need a carefree, cheerful leader to lift their spirits and get them back on track, and I believe I’m just the…
Ithaca NY—After many of her friends returned to campus from their marvelous spring break adventures around the globe, one pathetic student actually enjoyed her time staying in Ithaca over the break. Even though she never drank the finest wines or had passionate flings with the hottest men the world had to offer, Sarah Waller ‘21…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—A recent lack of extremely public meltdowns within Cornell’s student government has led many students to wonder what dumb shit they are getting into this semester. “I don’t know what to think,” admitted John Hawkinson ‘23. “I haven’t heard anything about them this year, and that kind of scares me. Like, did 30…
