STEWART AVENUE– It was a seemingly ordinary Saturday night when I boarded a TCAT near the Williams Lot, wearing my mask (per policy). The bus was filled with hordes of drunk freshmen who decided against making the long trek back up the hill. The night took a turn, however, when I realized just how debaucherous…
NEW YORK, NY—As the New York City mayoral race heats up, former governor and current mayoral candidate Andrew Cuomo was spotted outside a Bronx bodega Monday morning, whispering “bacon, egg, and cheese” under his breath like a Gregorian chant in what witnesses describe as “a deeply unsettling display of cultural assimilation,” just minutes before his…
What do you mean? Stalking your crush through your club’s Instagram account is normal and healthy. Love requires sacrifice. That’s why, when I initially needed to find his Instagram, I went through the club account’s followers until I found the person I saw him eating with once through my binoculars. From there, it was pretty…
HO PLAZA– In an unforeseen turn of events, the Cornell Store announced early Monday morning that it would be significantly reducing the price of merchandise on a wide array of items at an almost alarming rate. For the first time in the history of profit-driven retail, the store has placed an estimated two/thirds of its…
EDUCATION CITY, QATAR— Dear Cornell Community, Freedom of Expression is the foundation of academic understanding, breathing life into knowledge and inspiring impactful advocacy. Some may even say that Free Expression is indispensable. But here at Weill Cornell Medicine in Qatar, we actually think it’s a little dispensable. To this end, I’m glad to announce our…
MORRISON DINING—Last week, a feasting legend was immortalized in the rafters of Morrison Dining as Clark Ewers (5’11”, 342 lbs) was officially inducted into the Dining Hall of Fame (DHOF). Ewers’ illustrious career includes two MVP (Most Valuable Porker) awards, seven First Team All-Plump selections, a Rookie Eater of the Year title, and the coveted…
DAY HALL—Yesterday, the University selected 5,288 students to create “the most diverse class in university history” and is proud to welcome the Class of 2022 to a campus riddled with hate crimes. “We have admitted a highly talented and accomplished [class] who will flourish as Cornellians,” said senior vice provost Barbara Knuth, neglecting to add…
Perhaps you have seen their strange advertisements. Perhaps one of them has approached you, pushing their product. God forbid, perhaps a “friend” has dragged you to one of their cult-like ceremonies, and charged you money for the privilege! This problem is top of mind for many Cornellians. The instrumentless menace, the unaccompanied scourge, the A…
Yesterday, Lindsay and I went grocery shopping at Wegmans together, so clearly we are in an incredibly serious relationship. When I first met her, I had no idea we would end up being soulmates. We were doing childish things like kissing in private, talking about things that weren’t us, and living independent lives. But now,…
NEWBURGH, NY — Earlier today, a chance encounter at the local supermarket yielded staggering results, as it was determined that Dan, that one kid you knew from high school English class, is still alive today. “Dude, I haven’t seen you in forever!” exclaimed Dan, in a state of undeniable existence that up until now you…
