FLORA ROSE HOUSE—Despite being a self-avowed “card-carrying Cornell commie,” Jerome “Jerry” Woodhouse ‘25, the roommate of Brent Hao ‘25, has reportedly been pretty fucking reticent to split the costs of gas receipts from their spring break road trip. “I figured that if anyone would be quick to pay me back, it would be the guy…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD – Cornell football has just won their second game of the season to raise their record to an unbeaten 2-0, a rare feat for the idling ball club. Although this may seem like a welcome occasion for our student-athletes, some amongst the training staff are a bit wearier of what Cornell has accomplished….
BECKER HALL — The monster under the bed has expressed concern for Ryan Levine ’18, who has gotten almost no sleep in the past week due to mounting problem sets and extracurricular obligations. Every night for the past few months, the monster has attempted to spook Levine, but his recently disturbed sleep schedule has the…
Every fall, a few brave freshmen reignite a generations-long trend of fire-starting in dorms. This year, Mary Donlon Hall fell victim. Such a choice calls into question the arsonist’s dedication to the hobby: If they really wanted to make a building disintegrate, why not douse some gasoline on Low Rise Seven? Arson has versatility: it…
BEEBE LAKE—The survival of Cornell’s Club Surfing team is in jeopardy this season as it looks to replace its captain and sole member, Blake Stolar (CALS ‘14). Stolar lead the Soggy Bears to the wildly celebrated completion of two seasons his junior and senior year, with records of 0-6 and 1-5 respectively, before he graduated…
Professor, I have a question. I need it answered right away, or else I won’t be able to focus. Is this particular topic going to be on the exam? Look, I know you’re teaching it to us right now. But see, here’s the problem: it’s really hard. This stuff you’re teaching us is not easy…
GOLDWIN SMITH—During a spontaneous father-son tour of campus, one student found himself in the center of a parental rivalry between the man who begrudgingly raised him and the academic father figure who occasionally winks at him in the hallway. “I was just showing my father around the Temple of Zeus, and it was going pretty…
ZETA IOTA TAU SORORITY — Sorority Big Joan Kleinberg ’17 realized today that her Little is much bigger than she is. The Little, Emma Yang ’18, is considerably bigger than her Big, mainly owing to the fact that her Big is quite little. “It just occurred to me that she’s gigantic!” exclaimed the small Big,…
COLLEGETOWN—Totally oblivious to the growing pool of murky rainwater by the sidewalk, dozens gathered at a bus stop to avoid walking home. Just as the puddle’s coverage approached the optimal splash radius, a TCAT drove straight through it at full speed, dousing everyone with soaking leaf mulch anyway. “I swear I was hydroplaning,” explained route…
HO PLAZA—During an impromptu press conference on the steps of Willard Straight Hall, the Student Activities Funding Commission (SAFC) casually reminded all student organizations that it would sure be a shame if something were to happen to their “precious funding” during the upcoming 2020-2022 Byline funding cycle. “I mean, hey, times are tight around here……
