COLLEGETOWN–Gourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene. “7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors,…
COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling…
After weeks of tumultuous, passionate and near-violent discussion, the Executive Board of Cornell’s Student Macrame Initiative has failed to reach consensus on the color of official club merchandise. “It would be absolutely unethical to allow any merch to be ordered in this shade of red,” Vice President of Outreach James London explained. “First of all,…
Last Monday, Jackson Carter ‘25 surprised his introductory Physics zoom lecture with an inspiring new T-shirt choice: one of the “This Is What An Engineer Looks Like” shirts given out by the College of Engineering. “At first, I wondered why this idiot had his camera on in a 300 person lecture,” classmate Samantha O’Neill ‘25…
ITHACA CAMPUS—In an event tantamount to the burning of the Library of Alexandria, Spotify’s sudden removal of Neil Young’s discography has annihilated the sex playlists of men across the philosophy department. “Without Neil Young, I might as well give up sex,” complained Dorian Lancaster ‘23 between drags of his cigarette. “Sure, women are great, but…
TRIPHAMMER ROAD—Online rush originally seemed a lot easier to coordinate for recruitment chairs, until they realized just how difficult it was to determine the familial wealth of each and every potential new member over video. “It used to be so easy to spot the Canada Geese amongst the other ducks, like a gold coin amongst…
DAY HALL—Students across campus have been left in suspense after administration announced that Ithaca campus residents are now required to take “sluggish tests” that produce results in fifteen days. “Sluggish tests are the perfect diagnostic tool for this stage of the pandemic,” attested President Pollack via email. “In a mere fifteen days, they inform students…
ITHACA, NY—Once again, Cornell students can proudly claim they have access to one of the best dining programs across the nation. The university marked a special case for the Princeton Review’s Great Campus Food ranking list, qualifying as tenth in the nation with the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe and fifth in the nation without. A…
IVES HALL—Professor Parker Wallace was taken aback early Monday morning when he received an email that each student in his Introduction To Organizational Behavior class had already completed their anonymous online course evaluation. Spending a few minutes perusing their comments over a cup of coffee, Wallace reached the very last without any notable criticisms. It…
ROCKEFELLER HALL––In an astonishing feat of academic prowess during his FWS class last Monday, Finley Bamford-Schermerhorn ‘25 inscribed his notes using a quill and ink set. As if his writing instrument didn’t automatically secure his status as the intellectual heavyweight of the group, Bamford-Schermerhorn proceeded to share a comment that included the word “elucidate” three…
