THURSTON AVE.—On a crisp winter afternoon, Isa Tan ‘29 was trudging back from her PHYS 1110 lab when she was treated to an educational real-world demonstration. “I probably deserved this for getting a 4 on AP Physics,” Tan reasoned, labelling the experience “only slightly less humbling than my last prelim.” “It’s strange—I like to think…
COLLEGETOWN—With frigid temperatures forecasted for the Ithaca area this week, Cornell senior Danny Trelawny ‘26 is facing a cold, dangerous reality of his own. “I’m screwed,” Trelawny said beneath three layers of scarf. “The temperature with wind chill is higher than my GPA.” Trelawny has trodden slippery academic ground since the fall of his first…
CORNELL HEALTH— In the throes of a bleak and frigid January, Cornell’s population is, as always, seeking relief from the effects of seasonal depression. Vitamin D supplements, although their effectiveness as an antidepressant is contested, are one popular and accessible countermeasure to the inescapable darkness of the winter months. Unfortunately, experts warn that dietary supplementation…
ITHACA—As winter recess comes to an end, travel-weary Cornellians return to campus by the busload, only to be greeted by what one local weather enthusiast describes as “the ideal environment for some really funny shit to happen.” Bryan Trast, a native Ithacan and self-proclaimed “Climate Harmonic Analyst,” looks forward to this time every year: “The…
My uncompassionate lowlife of a psychology professor obviously does not know even the basics of World War I. Come November, this campus always turns into sludge. It snows, and then the snow melts, and my feet get all wet. These are the conditions the heroes of World War I nobly fought and suffered in. The…
CORNELL HEALTH—Administrators from Cornell Health and Safety introduced a new member of their team this morning: Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin. “We thought it was past time to fight back against the epidemic that is guys wearing 5” inseam shorts in the middle of winter,” announced Arnold Riggs, newly appointed director of C.U.P.D. (Cornell University Patellar…
LIBE SLOPE—In an unabashed declaration of disregard for your safety, the “No Winter Maintenance” signs across campus have been revised to say “I Hope You Slip And Fall, Bitch.” The change, unaccompanied by a statement from administration, has received a variety of reactions from students. “You know what? I gotta appreciate their honesty,” said Gustavo Lanza…
COLLEGETOWN–Gourmands, rejoice! Ithaca’s signature blend of ice, piss, asphalt, and antifreeze is now on tap at Collegetown’s 7-Eleven location. The limited-time only road slush flavor is part of the store’s push into Ithaca’s culinary scene. “7-Eleven may not be the first place that comes to mind when you think of fresh, local, and seasonal flavors,…
HIGHLAND PLACE—Demonstrating Ithaca’s dedication to excellence, the Street Cleaning Crew worked around the clock this past weekend, valiantly battling the wild forces of Mother Nature, clearing snow from every pavement alongside their gerrymandered snow routes. “Too long has our poor performance been fodder for small talk with that person you have nothing in common…
TEAGLE HALL—In a shocking announcement, Athletics Director Andy Noel confirmed that Ivy League officials had canceled all winter sports, which includes men’s ice hockey, women’s ice hockey, and possibly some other ones as well. “We recognize that this is a very challenging day for Cornell’s ice hockey student athletes, as well as everyone associated with…
