BREAKING: All Three Cornellians Who Enthusiastically Voted For Biden Regret Decision

COLLEGETOWN— A recent survey of the Cornell for Biden student organization revealed that all three active members of the pro-Biden group now deeply regret their decision to publicly support an aggressively bland neoliberal who almost certainly will not come through on the majority of his campaign promises, on account of the fact that he has vaguely gestured at considering a few of them.

“When I went into the voting booth, I thought I was casting a ballot for the most moderate President in history,” recalled Darren Mitchell ‘22. “Then, for some reason, the Pentagon announced that he ordered a bomb strike in Iran that killed 22 people? I thought someone as moderate as Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. would have the common sense to just not tell us about the airstrikes they carry out against foreign nations, like in the good old days.”

After Biden’s historic win in the 2020 election, campus was elated, with many people rushing the streets to celebrate. But soon afterwards, most students got back to advocating for real change, and Cornell for Biden members were shocked to find that the election of a flip-flopping white septuagenarian who implemented civil asset forfeiture and eulogized Strom Thurmond might not solve all the world’s problems. His actions in office have only exacerbated the disappointment felt by these students.

“I mean, maybe not separating families at the border? Rejoining the Paris Climate Accords? The President is inching dangerously close to minor policy changes, and that concerns me,” explained Diane Lawson ‘21. “I thought when he was in office I could just go back to barely paying attention to politics, and I definitely tried, but my friends took my campaigning for Biden as some sort of sign that I cared about any of this, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. When can we go back to brunch?”

Campus Biden supporters have floated the idea of a 2024 primary challenge if Biden actually considers enacting some sort of change, with buzz surrounding John Kasich as a potential candidate for the future of the Democratic Party.

Cornell Suggests Using Reef Polling App To DNC

DAY HALL—Following the bungled use of a tabulation app at the Iowa Caucuses, Cornell has officially offered to train the DNC on how to use the university-adopted iClicker Reef polling app. 

“We here at Cornell know that there is no better way to quickly calculate poll results than by using the Reef Polling app. Not only is it a great supplement for your iClicker Device, but all of our students and faculty love its efficiency and ease of use,” said Dean of Students Vijay Pendakur, who added that the app can also be used for fun little quizzes to see if people are paying attention at caucuses. “Plus,” he continued, “you get to offload administrative costs onto voters.”

Cornell has also mulled advertising the app’s connectivity issues to the Republican party as a surefire method for voter disenfranchisement.

Ben Carson Mysteriously Appears on Student Assembly Ballot

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — After dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination, retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson inexplicably showed up on the Cornell Student Assembly ballot earlier today.

“When I logged on to vote, I saw Ben Carson’s shining face staring at me,” said Alex Li ‘19. “I refreshed the page and tried to vote again, but every time I clicked on a name that wasn’t Ben Carson, Ben Carson would appear on the ballot two more times.”

“I’m so happy there’s a candidate who represents my Christian values, but I still don’t know why he’s running for International Student Liaison at-Large,” said Ron D’Agostino ‘18, who added that he would have voted for Carson in the Republican Presidential Primary elections, but now he’s not so certain.

When Carson was approached for comment while chalking on Ho Plaza, he quickly scurried up the stairs of Willard Straight and got stuck on the roof.