ROCKEFELLER CENTER, NY—While mayoral candidates Zohran Mamdani and Andrew Cuomo battled over topics ranging from the housing crisis to the Israel-Hamas war in Thursday’s debate, Curtis Sliwa engaged in a battle of his own over the war-torn Western Front. At the start of the debate, Cuomo and Mamdani wasted little time launching into a heated…
OLIN LIBRARY—Between clubs, jobs, and homework, it can be difficult for busy students to tackle entire books for class. What’s more, searching the library for an assigned book can further complicate conquering an assigned reading. For one lucky student, however, the pre-annotated copy he picked up from Olin tells him exactly what’s important. “At first,…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Not even ten minutes into a two-and-a-half hour class, students in GOVT 4250: American Political Institutions report that Professor Jeremy Gilmore is already starting to get all worked up about the lecture material. Students braced for the inevitable crush of boredom as Professor Gilmore ascended his soapbox and began preaching about something to…
CORNELL HEALTH—A proud newly accepted class of 15 lucky Cornell students have been selected to fill all available appointment slots this semester. Cornell Health released statistics about their incoming class: “The average stab wound of an accepted patient came in at an impressive 12 inches long, most students filled out their forms in less than…
INTERSTATE 81—One of Earth’s most extraordinary natural phenomena coincides with fall break in upstate New York. The Great OurBus Migration is a sight to behold, but it poses significant risks to the surrounding ecosystem. This weekend, herds consisting of dozens of buses will be seen charging along the ancient migration route. Generations have driven along…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—During a government discussion section last week, one student, Courtney Howe ‘29, took a large step towards actualizing her humanity by saying her first words. The comment shook the classroom, which had become accustomed to Howe silently sitting in the furthest left corner of the room. “I agree,” she said, rocking in her…
MORRISON DINING—After several tense days of negotiations and numerous attempts to sustain operations, the Morrison soft-serve dessert station has shut down. Talks between Cornell Dining and Dole Food Company collapsed early Monday morning, and the Dole Whip dispenser officially shut down at midnight. According to a Cornell Dining staff member, speaking on the condition of…
PORTLAND, OR—Hundreds of California National Guard troops were mobilized Sunday in an unlawful move by the Trump administration. Sent to quell nonviolent protests in nearby Portland, Oregon, members of the force quickly found themselves overwhelmed by the romantic advances of the city’s legions of polyamorous inhabitants. “We were warned about Antifa, but this is much,…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—Cornell University prides itself on its vigorous commitment to the art of teaching and falsifying RateMyProfessor reviews, a dedication no less visible than in its insistence to let Professor Henry Fiske teach PHYS 2215 as a flipped classroom. Some students aren’t pleased by the teaching model, and much less pleased with Fiske himself. “He…
KLARMAN HALL—While his peers are preoccupied with looking for jobs, Simon Rice ‘26 is getting a head start on crafting the perfect Common App Resume. Although he’s now a senior in college, his role as president of the Model UN club is sure to wow any college admissions board. “If I keep working hard while…
