CU Nooz

Hoping To Locate Geothermal Energy Sources, Cornell Administration Now Just Digging Holes Fucking Everywhere

Nooz Staff1 year ago1 year ago03 mins

CARL BECKER HOUSE, URIS HALL, COLLEGETOWN, ETC—After the closure of the Cornell University Borehole Observatory project, the university’s eminent geology, energy and sustainability researchers sat down to analyze their data and determine Cornell’s optimal course to achieve the Climate Action Plan’s goal of carbon neutrality by 2035. Unfortunately for climate scientists and pedestrians alike, a…

In Effort to Improve Efficiency, Cornell Removes Sunday from Academic Calendar

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL — Cornell announced early Monday morning that yesterday would be the last Sunday for the academic year. “We conducted a large-scale study of how students worked during the course of a week and we discovered that Sunday was the leader in a number of concerning categories,” said April May, the chair of Cornell’s…

Libe Cafe Haunted House Includes Freshman Orientation Group Asking to Hang Out Sometime

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

LIBE CAFE, ITHACA, NY— Enrique Gomez ‘19 found himself gripped by the spirit of Halloween when a harmless Libe cafe study break brought him face to face with everyone he stopped talking to the second day of freshman year. “Most of the Halloween tchotchke doesn’t faze me all that much… Rubber spiders, perhaps a poorly-assembled…

Freshman Elects to Stay Anonymous After Winning 5 PM Housing Lottery Slot

Nooz Staff9 years ago03 mins

DONLON HALL — The lucky winner of a coveted 5 PM time slot and a single in Bethe Hall during the housing lottery for the upcoming fall semester does not want to be the subject of mass media frenzy or be in the public eye whatsoever, and has elected to collect her winnings but remain anonymous….

Cornell’s Commitment to Sustainability: Flu Shot Clinics to Reuse Needles, Bandages

Nooz Staff7 months ago7 months ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—This flu season, it’s not only the health of students that Cornell administrators are concerned about, but also the health of our planet. “We’re very excited about the Share-rynge Campaign,” said Sarah Carson, Director of the Campus Sustainability Office. “By cutting down on single-use plastics like hypodermic needles and bandages and instead choosing…

Career Service Counselor Googles “Available Internships in NYC”

Nooz Staff8 years ago8 years ago02 mins

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL— After listening attentively to junior Kate Hill’s plea for help with her failing search for summer internships, Career Service Counselor Darrell Lange opened a new window on his browser and Googled “Available internships in NYC.” “Let’s see what we have here that might be useful to you,” said Lange, carefully squinting at…

Bold Champion of Health and Safety Gives Courageous Glare to No-Masker

Nooz Staff5 years ago02 mins

HO PLAZA—Hoda Dabiri ‘23 took a fearless stand in the name of health and wellness when she lightly furrowed her brow at a mask-less passerby while walking to her only in-person class this Thursday. “I definitely considered saying something, but I decided against it,” said the breathless defender of the campus community. “Instead I just…

SA Candidate Ahlers ‘18 Only Winning Since Name Is First On Ballot

Nooz Staff11 years ago03 mins

MEWS HALL — Student Assembly Candidate Ingrid Ahlers ‘18 is currently leading in the fall election, likely due to the fact that her name comes first on the ballot. CU Nooz surveyed over 250 students who had already voted, and all agreed that the biggest quality they look for in a candidate was how far…

Cornell Spring Breaks, Possibly Beyond Repair

Nooz Staff11 years ago02 mins

ITHACA, NY – As Cornell was brought in for its seasonal checkup, it was revealed that its Spring has broken, and may be beyond repair. Upon receiving the news that Spring was in fact irreversibly broken, Cornell president David Skorton told reporters “I’ve been bringing Cornell in for its inspection every year for the past…

OP-ED: I Tried to Get Tested at Willard Straight But Was Stopped by a Sphinx Requiring I Answer Three Riddles to Gain Entry Into the Testing Room

Nooz Staff4 years ago011 mins

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’ve always liked getting COVID tested. I love the tickle I feel in the back of my sinus when I shove that obnoxiously long cotton swab up my nose, I love feeling the slippery snot exit my nostril when I pull out the cotton swab, and…

Graduating Senior Undergoes Existential Crisis Trying To Write Instagram Bio That Isn’t “Cornell ‘22”

BDSM Fanatic Unsure Whether to Feel Horny or Concerned After Experiencing Shortness of Breath

In A Bold Move Against Guys Who Wear Shorts in 0 Degree Weather, Cornell Health and Safety Introduces Godfrey the Knee-Licking Goblin

Cornell Store Earth Day Sale: “If You Don’t Buy This Shit, It’s Going to the Landfill”

Martha Pollack Curls Up With Campus Climate Surveys To Read Before Bedtime

Class of 2019 Admissions Statistics

Hoping To Locate Geothermal Energy Sources, Cornell Administration Now Just Digging Holes Fucking Everywhere

In Effort to Improve Efficiency, Cornell Removes Sunday from Academic Calendar

Libe Cafe Haunted House Includes Freshman Orientation Group Asking to Hang Out Sometime

Freshman Elects to Stay Anonymous After Winning 5 PM Housing Lottery Slot

Cornell’s Commitment to Sustainability: Flu Shot Clinics to Reuse Needles, Bandages

Career Service Counselor Googles “Available Internships in NYC”

SA Candidate Ahlers ‘18 Only Winning Since Name Is First On Ballot

Cornell Spring Breaks, Possibly Beyond Repair

OP-ED: I Tried to Get Tested at Willard Straight But Was Stopped by a Sphinx Requiring I Answer Three Riddles to Gain Entry Into the Testing Room