Report: ‘Interim’ Boyfriend Still Unlikely to Go Official

DAY HALL—Just after 3:00 PM this afternoon, the Board of Trustees announced their vote to officially appoint Michael Kotlikoff president of Cornell University, effective immediately. Unfortunately, sources indicate the guy you’ve been seeing is less ready than ever for the same kind of commitment. Although Kotlikoff’s tenure as Interim President was host to a number…

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Last Remaining Senior Days Event Just Bottle of Liquor in Paper Bag

HO PLAZA—The ticketing portal for Senior Days opened last Friday, sending seniors scrambling for spots to experience the annual tradition that showcases uniquely Cornellian offerings. Events such as “Luxury Wine Touring Across the Adirondacks,” “Artisanal Beer Flights of the Finger Lakes Region,” and “Mimosas with Michael Kotlikoff” filled their 25 spots almost immediately, leaving slower…

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“Hey Why is That Guy in the Cop Costume Using Tear Gas on Innocent Civilians?” Frat Doorman Realizes He Messed Up Big Time

STEWART AVE—The many responsibilities of a frat brother can be difficult to juggle. Managing throwing parties, violently hazing freshmen, and covering up said hazing all at once is a tough ask. So when pledge brother Austin Anders ‘26 was put on door duty for Alpha Pi Ro Kappa Delta Gamma’s Halloween party, mistakes–such as welcoming…

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Student Almost Certainly Bringing Up Greek Life to Talk About Her Own Sorority

OLIN LIBRARY—Jess Maza ‘23’s run in with a first semester class acquaintance this Friday spiralled into a conversational disaster when a brief recap of winter break started to look like an in-depth discussion of the acquaintance’s new sorority. Maza should have realized what was happening after Michelle Clark ‘23 removed her jacket revealing a long…

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