“You Shouldn’t Have Done That,” Says Levitating, Glowing-Eyed Professor as Student Stays in Class Past Drop Deadline

BAKER HALL—Students in CHEM 3090: Inorganic Compounds were left cowering in fear this Tuesday as their instructor achieved apotheosis at the close of Cornell’s drop period. According to witnesses, the class started as normal but quickly went off the rails when Dr. Frederica Jackson locked eyes with Samuel Weiss ‘22, who was attending his first…

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Ithaca Street Plows Do A Good Job

HIGHLAND PLACE—Demonstrating Ithaca’s dedication to excellence, the Street Cleaning Crew worked around the clock this past weekend, valiantly battling the wild forces of Mother Nature, clearing snow from every pavement alongside their gerrymandered snow routes.   “Too long has our poor performance been fodder for small talk with that person you have nothing in common…

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“What Have I Done”: Student Who Pregamed ClubFest Awakens to 573 Unread GroupMe Messages

MARY DONLON HALL—James Woodhouse ‘26, who took eight shots of strawberry lemonade-flavored Svedka prior to attending ClubFest, awoke Monday morning to a pounding headache and hundreds of unopened GroupMe messages and listserv emails from completely unfamiliar organizations. “Oh god, what the fuck happened yesterday?” cried Woodhouse as he peeled laptop stickers off his clothes. “I’ve…

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