NORTH CAMPUS—502 Dearborn, a cooperative living space on North Campus, offers students a non-traditional living situation. Unlike dorm living, residents have access to a house of their own, a fully stocked pantry, and 14 or 15 horny polysexuals ready to fuck on a dime.
“We cook together, we clean together, we have weekly fuck-parties in our living room at the behest of the Kings of the Depths, we eat dinner together,” Maya Chen ‘27, a current resident, said. “We’re a co-op!”
For housemates, the benefits of living in a co-op are wide-ranging: the living room provides a space where housemates can have deep conversations, get to know one another, and fuck on the couch; kitchens allow housemates to share recipes, try foods from each other’s cultures, and fuck on the counter.
“My favorite part of living in the house is feeling supported by a like-minded community,” Chen said. “Oh, and, fucking each other day in and day out in candlelit rooms, surrounded by the drumbeat of the ancients.”
With all the fucking and sucking and busting going on in the house, residents keep their place in order with weekly chores. To cover all the bases, some roommates sweep the floors, while others top.
This arrangement is like nothing else found at Cornell, according to Max Drake ‘26, who recalls struggling to find midnight occult orgies as an underclassman.
“I lived in RBG freshman year, and it was nothing like this,” Drake said. “Here, ‘quiet hours’ can’t stop me from cooking at 2 A.M., or grabbing 18 to 25 of my closest friends, stripping down to nothing but my pendant, and howling at the moon until we finish.”
Above all, housemates at 502 Dearborn have found deeper purpose. Omar Hall ‘27, a resident of three semesters, explained how his living situation has changed him eternally, a sentiment shared by all of Balthazar’s children.
“Cooperative living has brought so much into my life: meaningful connections, teamwork skills, and the love of our one true king, Asmodeus, whose devotion guides us closer to the light, his power pulsing through each one of us, until we inevitably return Home, unburdened by our earthly forms,” Hall said. “We’re a co-op!”
