COLLEGETOWN—With frigid temperatures forecasted for the Ithaca area this week, Cornell senior Danny Trelawny ‘26 is facing a cold, dangerous reality of his own.
“I’m screwed,” Trelawny said beneath three layers of scarf. “The temperature with wind chill is higher than my GPA.”
Trelawny has trodden slippery academic ground since the fall of his first year, when the Office of the Registrar objected to his enrollment in twelve one-credit seminar classes.
Since then, the wayward student has floundered his way into a major in Information Science, where he has managed to disappoint a teaching staff and faculty possessing impossibly low expectations. One Computer Science professor described Trelawny’s attitude as “frosty,” and said that he received a “nearly sub-zero” grade in the class.
Sources in the College of Arts & Sciences’ Office of Academic Advising confirmed Tuesday that Trelawny had “a snowball’s chance in hell” of graduating this spring, forecasting another flurry of failed classes this semester.
“There’s certainly some B.S. on Daniel’s transcript, but I’m extremely skeptical those letters will be printed on his degree,” said Trelawny’s personal academic advisor.
Inspired by the freezing temperatures and the multitude of fellow fuckups within the organization, Trelawny is reportedly looking into a career with ICE.
