MORRISON DINING—Elite soldiers from the U.S. Army’s Delta Force captured an unknown quantity of oils, sauces, and udon noodles in a daring pre-dawn raid on Morrison Dining’s West Side Grill Wednesday morning.
Shortly before 9:00 a.m., President Trump posted a picture of the seized foodstuffs on Truth Social. This official acknowledgement of American military action in Morrison came several hours after some North Campus residents reported power outages and unusual sizzling sounds.
The operation prompted widespread outcry across Cornell’s campus, with many viewing the operation as the latest offense in a long history of American culinary imperialism. Cornell President Michael Kotlikoff acknowledged these concerns, but indicated his own preference for dialogue with American officials. “My historic deal with President Trump has brought billions of dollars back to Cornell,” he reminded a group of protesters outside Day Hall. “We can’t jeopardize our relationship with the Americans over a few noodles.”
At a late morning press conference, Trump boasted about the operation’s military success and logistical intricacies. “We got in and out quicker than you’ve ever seen. You know, people say those lights are always on,” he said, referring to the dining hall’s nearly 24/7 interior illumination. “Nobody knows how to turn out the lights in that building, but we did it. We have our ways.”
Trump claimed that U.S. seizure of the stir fry was necessary to prevent it from falling under the control of hostile powers, stating that udon must be used “for the benefit of the people” of North Campus. “We love our beautiful North residents,” he told reporters. “We love our freshmen. So many beautiful people on North. You can’t say that anymore, you know—people will say, ‘Sir, you can’t say that’—but there really are so many beautiful people there.”
The president sparked further controversy with his insistence that capturing stir-fry oil was a primary objective of the operation, musing about the economic benefits of potential increased Canola production. He also asserted that the United States will “run” the flattop grill indefinitely, bucking the precedent of the U.S.’s 1989 invasion of Risley Dining Room, after which American forces ensured a swift transition to healthy eating and subsequently withdrew.
Trump also left the door open for further U.S. intervention at Cornell, singling out Willard Straight Sno-Cones as a potential next target.
