“Hot, Single 19 Year Old, Down For Hand Stuff” Costume Really Popular Among Divorced Dads

ROSE HALL—Family Weekend is traditionally characterized as an opportunity for parents to learn about their children’s lives at Cornell, for students to hide their stashes of illicit substances, and for dining hall workers to clean up unusually messy tables. However, for Katherine Booker ‘27 and her recently divorced father Mark Booker, this family weekend was…

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Expressive Activity Policy Updated with Provisions for “Acceptable White Hood Size” and “Torch Specifications”

DAY HALL—In a conference with worried parents on Monday, Cornell administration outlined the steps it is taking to ensure that campus protests do not endanger the student body. To ease concerns, Vice President Ryan Lombardi rolled out a new set of provisions under the Interim Expressive Activity Policy aimed at making campus safer.  “We value…

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No One’s Buying It, Dumbass! Idiot Supersenior Claims He’ll Still Be On Campus Next Year Because He’s Getting A “Masters Degree”

BIG RED BARN—Let’s face it, college can be hard. And on a high-pressure campus like Cornell’s, it can be challenging for students to admit they’re struggling. Historically, attempts to cope with such failures have ranged anywhere from heavy drinking to, in dire cases, getting really into rock climbing. But in recent years, graduating seniors are…

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President Pollack Closes Eyes, Plugs Ears, Goes “La La La, I can’t hear you!”

DAY HALL—In top Universities across the nation, the crisis in the Middle East has divided student bodies and swept headlines. In a speech Monday, President Martha Pollack addressed the campus protest emblematic of the University’s rising tensions with the spirit of a true leader. “La la la, I can’t hear you!” exclaimed President Pollack with…

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“Then Came Locusts, Vermin, and Wild Beasts!” Says Review of Collegetown Apartment

STEWART AVE—Beset with an infestation the likes of which have not been seen since the Old Testament, Collegetown resident Andrew Blum ‘24 took to the internet to voice his frustrations. While Blum’s apartment is both spacious and luxurious, especially when compared to other Collegetown rentals, the veritable menagerie of non-human residents forced him to lower…

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“It’s Been the Best Four Years of My Life!” Admitted Student Tour Guides Notably Excluded From Freedom of Speech Protections

HO PLAZA—Hundreds of admitted students accepted to the class of 2028 flooded Ithaca last week for admitted students weekend, hoping to get a real sense of student life, academic workload, and average student hotness. But unfortunately for them, as the “Freedom of Expression” theme year incites discussion of robust free speech and academic liberty across…

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